We're Goin' With Eggplant

It's 12:19am, and I can't sleep. I've been able to come up with a few reasons this inability to render myself unconscious is occurring. I'm having trouble sleeping because either:


A. My mind is exploding with genius ideas and advanced epiphanies that are so complicated and brilliant that my mind is unable to shut itself off.


or:


B. I drank a 20oz Red Bull an hour ago.


If you guessed A, I'm extremely flattered, but not at all impressed with your ignorance - or convinced of your current sobriety, for that matter. You obviously are having trouble reading small print. Don't drive anywhere tonight.


If you guessed B, I'm extremely insulted, and not at all impressed with your dyslexia. Fcuk yuo.


I just reeled you in to a lose-lose situation, which seems to be the one I am in right now. Maybe I can't sleep because I'm sitting at my computer typing. Yet I'm sitting at my computer typing because I can't sleep. Alright, enough with the tongue-twisters disguised as abstract concepts. Let's get to the bottom of this.


I can't sleep because I have a lot on my mind.


1. This week's work schedule was posted today. I'm working 67 hours. My free time this week will consist of the minute it takes me to get out of bed.
2. George Carlin is dead. No one cared to tell me this back in 2008 when it actually occurred.
3. Why is there still talk about changing Cookie Monster to Veggie Monster? What the hell is wrong with Cookie Monster? 


I'm going to focus on Number 3 for the remainder of my rambling.


For the past few years, there has been talk that Cookie Monster from Sesame Street (I find those last three words to be completely unnecessary, but I felt the need to specify which Cookie Monster I was speaking of, in case you knew another Cookie Monster. Which, by the way, would be really fucking weird.) will be replaced with Veggie Monster. They say that Veggie Monster would eat vegetables (again, an unnecessary statement) and he would be orange. Already, I'm a little pissed off.


Orange? Orange? FIRST OF ALL, if someone were to say, "Name a food that's orange," are you going to say carrot? No. When someone says, "Name a food that's orange," you're going to say, "ORANGE." And an orange is a what, boys and girls? IT'S A FRUIT. And Veggie Monster does not eat fruit, because then he would be called Fruity Monster, and if parents are going to find a reason to complain about Cookie Monster, they sure as hell are gonna find a reason to complain about a character named "Fruity Monster."


SECOND OF ALL, vegetables aren't mainly orange. They're mainly green. Why wouldn't Veggie Monster be green? Sense just isn't as common as it once was.


However, this transformation has not occurred. Instead, Cookie Monster has been acting healthier on the show, saying things such as, "Cookies are a sometimes snack" and that he also likes "fruits and eggplant."


FIRST OF ALL, eggplant? What? Fruits and eggplant? How did THAT one get written in the script?


"John, great script for this next show, but I have one problem."


"What, Dick?"


"Well, here on page 4, you have Cookie Monster saying he likes fruits and vegetables."


"Well, didn't you say we had to make him eat healthier?"


"Yeah...but...vegetables?"


"I mean...that's healthy...and something kids never want to eat..."


"Yeah yeah, I'm just not feelin' it, John."


"We could change it to carrots? Or broccoli?"


"Ehhhhhh....nah. I was thinking something more along the lines of "eggplant." "


"Eggplant?"


"Yeah yeah, eggplant. Fruits and eggplant."


"But what parent serves their kid eggpl---"


"Look, John, eggplants are good."


"Well sure they are, but..."


"We're goin' with eggplant."


"So you want me to change "fruits" to something more specific, too?"


"Ehhhhh...nah. Fruits and eggplant is good. Has a nice ring to it. May make a good song in a later episode. Yeah yeah. Fruits and eggplant."


SECOND OF ALL, when I started googling "cookie monster saying," the little bar dropped down showing me suggestions to finish my statement. My options were "cookie monster sayings," "cookie monster saying me love cookies," and "cookie monster saying what the hell is this crap." I don't believe I remember Cookie Monster ever asking that last one.


Now, don't think they may not remove Cookie Monster. Amidst my detailed research of the popular children's educational program, I came across a few interesting facts. It turns out they have taken characters off the show.


Take Don Music, for example. He loved music. He even played the piano. However, many parents started complaining when their children started imitating Don Music at home. They would play the piano, just like Don Music did, get frustrated, just like Don Music did, and then start violently banging their head against the piano - just like Don Music did. I can only imagine those newspaper headlines.


"8-YEAR OLD SELF-INFLICTS A MINOR CONCUSSION AFTER SESAME STREET EPISODE. PUPPETEERS PERMANENTLY REMOVE THEIR FISTS FROM INSIDE DON MUSIC"


So my final question is: Why Don Music? Why Cookie Monster? Are they the only characters on the show who are a bit controversial? What about all the others? Let's say I'm a concerned, uptight, anal parent, and I sit down to watch Sesame Street with my child. Cue the paranoia. Let the over-analyzing begin.


Big Bird - Big Bird? As in, giving someone "the bird?" As in saying "fuck you?" Or "fuck off?" So his real name is, "Big Fuck Off?" And why is it big? Why is his middle finger a big middle finger? Is it because he has big hands? Which means he has a big penis? My child is learning from a character who is BASICALLY named Big Penis? 


Oscar the Grouch - Now, who is that green character, honey? And why is he in a trash can? He lives there? And why is he being mean to Big Bird? He's always mean? Well what does he have against Big Bird? He's mean to everybody? So he doesn't have a home and he's always in a bad mood? He's what? He's homeless and miserable? Except when he what? When he drinks? Junior! Where did you hear such things?! What? Daddy did NOT say that. Daddy isn't homeless.


The Count - Cannibal. 


Snuffleupagus - Created on an acid trip.


Bert and Ernie - Too obvious.


Elmo - You want a what for Christmas? A Tickle-Me-WHAT?! Oh, oh, you said El-mo. Elmo, from Sesame Street? Oh, how great! So what does this Elmo toy do? Does he recite the alphabet? Does he sing happy sing-a-longs? He what? He asks you to tickle him? And then what? Right, right...but then what does he do? He giggles? He giggles and asks for more? Well, where do you tickle him? ANYWHERE?! Is that all this toy does?! He just asks you to touch him and gives you positive feedback when you touch him ANYWHERE?!


Well, I've officially gotten all my thoughts out. Maybe I can get some good sleep now and wake up to a healthy eggplant breakfast.