Teenage Boys and Teabags

"I'm hooking up with a JUNIOR!"

Seriously? Is someone really telling me this? As if I'd be excited? Hellloooooo....I AM a junior. What do I care if some guy found out you're easy? Some guy who can't get a girl his OWN age? Some guy who not only had to wait ONE year, but TWO YEARS to find a girl to giggle at his jokes? I know better. Uhhhh...freshmen.

"He's SO smart. Like, it's weird being around someone so wise and mature. He's almost a LEGAL ADULT."

Seriously? A legal adult? The only thing he'll be able to do is vote. AWESOME. And mature? Please. I can't even count the number of times I've seen your "wise junior" yell "TEABAG!" and put some other "wise junior's" head in his crotch. Seriously? Are you really telling me this?

"And he's SO funny. He says the FUNNIEST things EVER."

Seriously? The funniest things EVER? Like the time he asked what shade of yellow Asian people's asses were? Seriously? You died laughing at that? Seriously?

"And he's SO cute. I don't even notice other guys now, not even other JUNIOR guys. It's his hair...or maybe his lips...or maybe his body...he has such a great body...but that's just because he's a JUNIOR, and JUNIOR guys work out at the gym, like all the time. It's a JUNIOR thing."

Seriously? Have you ever actually seen him up close? His hair...you mean the hair the same color as the shit that comes out of my baby brother's ass after he eats mashed carrots? His lips...you mean the lips that abnormally protrude from his mouth since he has a set of neon green braces underneath? His body...his BODY...does it not bother you that when he comes in for a kiss all you can see is the top of his head? Does it not bother you that you may suffer from scoliosis a few years down the road because you had to bend down to look him in the eye? Unless you go for the alternative and pick him up. He does only weigh about 90 pounds. HEY! Speaking of 90 pounds, I weighed that much in 6th grade! I mean...seriously?

"And he's SO good at sports. I mean, he doesn't play NOW...he never played any high school sports, but I KNOW he played in middle school. And he was REALLY good in middle school."

Seriously? Shooting rubber bands and masturbating do NOT qualify as sports. Like...are you an idiot? Seriously?

"And I know he really, REALLY likes me because I'm the first girl he's kissed since middle school."

"Wait...seriously?"

"Yeah, and I KNOW he's the one, because he wants to have SEX with me, and people only have sex when they're in LOVE."

"You can't be serious."

"I told him I loved him, and I know I made him really nervous by confessing my love for him FIRST because he started laughing, which just PROVES to me that he loves me BACK."


Why is it that the biggest losers can become the coolest guys to some girls just because their parents decided to get their freak on before some other guy's parents did? Like...seriously? Is that all it takes? OKAY MARRIED COUPLES, IF YOU WANT YOUR UNBORN SON TO GET LAID BEFORE HE GRADUATES, HAVE SEX NOW. No...seriously.