Teenage Lingo for Dummies

As humans, we are always asking questions. Questions lead to answers, yes? We learn from them, and we encourage others to ask them, as well. Aren't people always asking, "Do you have any questions?" They want us to question everything, they want us to be curious. Unless you're a parent, of course.

"Where do babies come from?"
It sounds so simple, yet there are so many ways to answer. You simply cannot tell a Kindergartner that a boy puts his uh-uh in a girls uh-uh and they do a little uh-uh. You just can't do that.

Of course, my case is different. I lived in a house where there was no such thing as personal and awkward questions. My mom believed that there was nothing to hide about the world. And in effect, I, too, decided that there was nothing to hide...not even from my friends.

"Where are we going, Mrs. Croft?"

"I am taking you and Lucy to play mini-golf!"

"YAY!"

"Mommy, can Natasha come over to my house to play after we play mini-golf?"

"Sure, honey!"

"And can we watch a movie?"

"Sure! Why don't you ask Natasha what movie we should watch?"

"Okay! Natasha, what do you want to watch? We have Aladdin, Lion King, The Brave Little Toaster..."

"Can we watch To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything?"

"What's that?"

"It's my favorite movie EVER. IT's about these three guys who dress up like girls."

"Oh! Like when we play dress-up?"

"No, they dress up like girls because they're gay. You see, gay people are people who don't like girls. They are guys that like other guys. They want to marry guys and kiss them. Some people are just born gay."

"Really?"

"Yes. My mommy told me all about them. There is even a girl version of gay people. They are called lesbians."

"Really?"

"Yes. But they can't have babies."

"Really?"

"Yes. You see, two private parts in the front that are the same cannot make babies."

"Mommy, is that true?"

"Yes. Yes. It is true."

Can we just stop and take a moment to give this mother a hand? I mean, she lets her daughter's friend come over, she pays for her to play mini-golf, she lets HER choose the movie to watch, and how do I repay her? I blab on and on about things that she had probably been waiting to tell her daughter when she was older...much older...and had probably spent a lot of time on thinking of ways to explain. And instead of making up some lie on the spot to "protect" her child from "the real world", she was honest. Good for her! But hey, I give the cold, hard facts. No beating around the bush with me. No, siree. She should really have thanked me for it. She didn't even mention it to my mother, not until 4 years later, anyway, when her and Mother were discussing on how to explain to us about sex, and Mrs. Croft goes, "Why don't I just get Natasha to explain?!" Of course my mother had no idea what she meant...but either way, I would have done a hell of a job. You know that really old wrinkly woman on T.V. who answers sex questions? Yeah. That's going to be me when I'm 90. Not only still kickin', but still gettin' some. Ohhhh yeaahhhh.

I just don't think parents should fret about ways to tell their kids the nitty gritty about life. In fact, they may not even HAVE to. Just like that one kid lets the cat out of the bag about Santa Claus, there's always that one kid who somehow knows everything there is to know about...you know. I was definitely that kid in elementary school, but now? Sad to say I have lost my mojo. Now I'm the Clueless Clara with all the questions and hey, I'm not afraid to ask them! I've learned quite a few things throughout my high school career. Hey kids! Here's a list to take home to the fam!

Teenage Lingo for Dummies
1. Gooch
Learned this Junior Year. Art Class. Described to me as "where point A and point B meet." Great word, awkward definition.
2. The Rusty Trumpet
Learned this two nights ago. Asked 6 different people before I got an answer. Kind of confusing, but I know I heard the words "doo-doo" and "tongue" used in describing it. Who thinks up this stuff? I mean, really?
3. "Are you clean?"
Upper-classmen think they can ask freshmen girls anything they want. This is just one of many awkward questions I have been cornered with.
4. V-Card (no. it is not Visa)
Sophomore year. Soccer practice. Of all the senior girls, only one paraded around the field doing the V-Card dance. "I got my V-Card, what? I got my V-Card, YEA!"
5. Hook-Up
I admit this is just me being extremely naive. Sophomore year, a freshmen was telling me about a boy she was "talking to" and said they had "hooked-up." Me, being the inexperienced one in the "hooking-up" department, asked, "Oh? So you two, what, went to the movies?" She laughed, thinking I was joking, and continued with her story. That could have been my chance to let it drop and save myself the humiliation. But no, I just love askin' questions! So I asked again, "So wait...did you two...kiss?" God I embarrass myself. She kindly explained to me what "hooking-up" was, and I kindly sat there staring with my mouth open. Man how things change.

Well, that's all the lingo you get for today! Of course, a lot of you reading this probably already know what these terms are, which only embarrasses me more. But hey, I know now, don't I? (If there is any other vocabulary not mentioned here, you are welcome to call, e-mail, or fax me the terms, definitions, and origin of the word any time Sunday through Saturday. Thank you and have a nice day.)