Bring On the Strip Clubs!

The Beauty of Turning 18

1. I will have the ability to understand.

"When you're an adult you'll understand."

WHY is it that EVERY adult says this? As if EVERYONE goes through the EXACT same experiences when they become adults. There are some things ANYONE can understand, (for instance: why we eat and drink.) there are some things that NO ONE can understand, (for instance: why Donald Trump does his hair like that.) and there are some things that only my Great Aunt Stella can understand (for instance: why, according to her, every child at birth must be given an African doll). So basically, all the things I haven't understood in the past will magically make perfect sense to me when I turn 18. Since at 18 I will, in fact, be a legal adult. This is the day parents everywhere must think of an alternate way to tell their kids they are retards. They won't be able to say, "When you're an adult you'll understand," because I can say, "Guess I understand then! BECAUSE I'M 18, BABY! Good thing you didn't tell that to me yesterday when I was 17 because then I would have had no idea what you were talking about! But now, 24 hours later, I have the knowledge I have been missing all my life!" LOOK. I act like I don't understand you a-dults because I don't CARE about what you have to say. That way I don't have to comment, I can just say, "I don't understand" and then start talking about myself, because I'm 17 and that's all I really want to talk about.

2. I will have the ability to enter windowless buildings.

And YES, I am talking about strip clubs. I guess when we have lived a decade and four-fifths we can not only handle the maturity of becoming an adult, we can also handle the tactic of slipping some Lincolns into a gyrating thong to the adult tunes of, 'Ice Ice Baby.' I think the only reason teenagers are not allowed in strip clubs is that there would be stampedes of hormone-loaded boys running into the joints with their tongues out and their flies unzipped. People would get trampled in the mob, schools would be shut down on account of an entire GENDER of students NOT showing up, and us teenage girls would be single and fat on account of befriending Ben and Jerry to replace the boys who left us for G-strings. What 17-year-old boy is gonna go to English when he can be getting a lap dance? That is why at 18, the Forbidden Fruits are forbidden no more.

3. I will have the ability to legally light a fag.

And NO, I do not mean I can legally set a homosexual on fire. That goes under the category of Cruel and Unusual and Completely SICK AND TWISTED punishment. Things like that are NOT allowed here. Not in this place OR time period, thank you very much. I mean I can buy a pack of ciggies. No mo' bummin' a cigarette, no siree, I can now PAY ACTUAL MONEY for the smokes. WOO HOO! Honestly though I do not smoke cigarettes because someone once told me that kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray and though I have kissed a smoker and it tasted nothing like an ashtray, not that I would know what an ashtray tastes like because I don't go around licking ashtrays, but I DO go around kissing smokers and it pretty much just tastes like a mouth. (Okay, I didn't mean "I go around kissing smokers" like 'Hey! You there! Yes, you, the one smoking! Get over here, I wanna kiss ya!' I just mean it has happened. And I didn't mean 'It tastes like a mouth' like it tastes warm and wet and like teeth, I just mean it was a kiss and WHY AM I EVEN BOTHERING TO EXPLAIN MYSELF.) and therefore this means nothing to me. But I may go buy a pack for the hell of it. Why? BECAUSE I'M 18 AND I CAN.

4. I have the ability to go to jail.

Well it's about time I actually got in trouble for the drugs and alcohol I've been in complete possession of for the last 17 years of my life. No more of this ridiculous "We found your stash of coke. NO TV FOR A WEEK." or "You insist on having UN-safe sex every weekend with complete strangers. NO ALLOWANCE FOR YOU, YOUNG LADY." or "You've been shooting up again, haven't you? That's it. GO TO YOUR ROOM AND DON'T COME OUT 'TILL YOU'RE SORRY." Oh no. NOW when I get caught, I will be put with the other hookers and dealers and adult versions of those orphans in Annie who had no idea of the hard-knock life to come! Instead of sulking in my room and coming down only for dinner, I can sulk in a jail cell with the woman covered in tats eyeing me from above our springy bunk-bed. GET ME OUT OF MY ROOM AND PUT ME WITH THE DRUG ADDICTS!

5. I have the ability to vote.

But who gives a shit about that?

So bring on the strip clubs! The jail cells! The ashtray-flavored mouths! I'm ready to finally be an adult and be granted the joys in life I've been missing out on! I'm ready to be under no protection whatsoever! I'm ready to be an adult and understand everything! Legalize me, baby.