Call Me Quazi

I'm a fan of Red Bull. That's right, the thing that "gives you wings."

Now, what does this exactly mean? Is there a phrase I don't know about, like, "She's got her wings on today!" Honestly if someone said that to me I'd think that they were implying that I had eaten a lot of chicken wings and looked fat. I've got my wings "on", aka, "on my body," aka, "underneath my skin" aka "tub of lard." I mean, what does it mean, "Red Bull gives you wings?" Do we take this literally? It makes you fly? That's what the commercials imply. So can we sue them?

"This drink did NOT make me fly, did NOT give me wings, and you GUARANTEED it would, so I'm SUING!"

"Sir, it is a figure of speech."

"Well did you SAY that in the commercial? 'Red Bull gives you wings! That is a figure of speech!" NO, I don't think you DID."

"Well obviously, sir..."

"Obviously? Obviously? What do you take me for, a moron? I don't know about YOU sir, but when someone tells me something on a commercial, I'm sure as hell gonna believe them!"

"By 'give you wings' we meant...well...we meant that...errrrrrrrrrrrr...shit."

CASE CLOSED.

Red Bull is the thing that "improves performance, especially during times of increased stress or strain."

Now, I have always thought that 'stress' and 'strain' were the same thing. Until, that is, I saw the can of a Red Bull. 'Stress OR strain,' it says. OR. So, I took the liberty of Webstering it up to educate myself on the foolish mistake I have been making for years.

strain (verb): to cause mechanical deformation in (a body or structure)
Wow! I never knew Red Bull could fix the deformation of my body! So wait, I have a hump on my back. Hot guys won't talk to me. My fellow peers call me Quazi. (as in Quazimoto.) (as in THE Hunchback of Notre Dame. That's right, folks, he wasn't just A hunchback, he was THE hunchback.) So back to my hump. All I have to do is drink some caffeinated carbonated water and BAM! Hunch? Gone. Hotties? Present. Is that what they're telling me? But wait...the can uses 'strain' as a noun, not a verb. Silly me! Let's find the noun of 'strain.'

strain (noun): the body of descendants of a common ancestor, as a family or stock

So. If there suddenly is an abundance of my dead great-grandpappies' decaying bodies, INCLUDING the livestock they had back in the 1800's, Red Bull will get rid of those bodies? Well that's just disturbing.

stress (noun): physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension

So, stress IS strain. Stress and strain are the exact same thing. Should I really be drinking something that doesn't even check the definitions of their words before they print them on the outside of billions of cans? Should I really be drinking something from a company that assumes it's consumers don't have the time on their hands to sit and read the back of the can, analyze it, whip out a dictionary, then spend an hour writing about it on the Internet? Surely someone else does that besides me...

Red Bull is the thing that "increases concentration and improves reaction speed."

I drank a Red Bull before the SAT thinking it would help me concentrate. Turns out all I could concentrate on was where the fuck did all these words come from and how the hell am I supposed to know what they mean? I have yet to test the 'reaction speed.' I'm thinking I'll just ask everyone to try and punch me for the next hour after I've consumed a Red Bull and see if I can duck fast or not. And if not? SUE.

Red Bull is the thing that "improves mood."

I just spent 3 dollars on a drink the size of a baby bottle. That improves my mood? And, as I have just now recently noticed, the Sugarfree Red Bull does NOT say it will "improve your mood." So basically, they're saying it's the sugar that improves your mood? Does sugar do that? I'm sure that if I got sad and chugged a sack of sugar it would NOT make me happy. If I was 5 years old it would, but not at 18. I have things to worry about now that I didn't have back then, such as "LOVE HANDLES."

Red Bull is the thing that "stimulates the metabolism."

Now they're just asking to be sued. Fat people got nothing better to do, as we've seen in the past few years.

"I gained 10 pounds after drinking your "wonderful" Red Bull! I'm SUING."

"Well how many Red Bulls did you have?"

"ONE, right after I ate a couple of baker's dozen cream-filled chocolate eclairs, and I STILL gained weight!"

"I assure you, ma'am, it was the 26 eclairs you ate, not the 110 calorie Red Bull."

"But it SAYS it stimulates my metabolism!"

"Yes, that is why instead of gaining 25 pounds, you gained 10."

"YOU AND McDONALD'S ARE JUST THE SAME! WHY DON'T YOU TWO GO GET MARRIED!"

Red Bull is the thing that "robs you of your money."

They don't put THAT on the can.

And yet, I'm still a fan. Whether it be Sugarfree or Sugar...captive?, I'll buy it. I'll drink it. And after that? I'll buy another. Because Red Bull gives you wings! Whatever the fuck that means.