If I Were A Rich Man

There comes a time in everyone's life where you realize money DOES in fact bring you happiness. I am eighteen years old, and I have already reached this point. What this means, basically, is that I'm wise beyond my years and I should start growing out my beard so everyone knows it. I mean, come ON people, you don't think being able to buy every little thing, every big thing, every thingy thing, can make you happy? I think you need to stop and reevaluate the times that have made you smile.

You bought a new dress that makes you look bangin. HAPPY!

You were parched out of your mind and you had the dollar you needed to buy a can of soda pop. HAPPY!

You had 5 dollars and someone asked you to borrow 5 dollars. That other person is now HAPPY! And you? NOT HAPPY! Why? Because you just gave your money away! What were you like before you gave that bum the crispy Lincoln? HAPPY!

See my point? Life's all about those dimes and nickels, baby. That's an instinct we're born with. What? You don't think you were born to love money? Okay, let's go back in time then, shall we?

You're 4 years old, walking down the street and you see a penny. HAPPY! And then what does your mother tell you? Your mother, the adult, who's supposed to have learned by now that "money doesn't make you happy?" She says, "Oooh, Johnny, you found a penny! You know what that means, don't you?" and you say, "No." because you're 4 years old and don't know shit, and she says, "See a penny pick it up, all day long you have good luck!" And do you know what luck makes people? Lucky, yes, but also...HAPPY!

You're 13 years old, and you go on your very first date. You see a movie with a girl and you want to impress her. Well, jokes won't do the trick, and you know it. So you walk up to buy your ticket, and you say, "Two please." and she says, "Oh, you don't have to do that!" even though she was expecting you to the whole time, and you say, "Oh, it's on me." and you make out with her during the whole flick. Think she would have made out with you if you had said, "Buy your own ticket, bitch." NO. But she did make out with you, and now you have the taste of LipSmackers on your own lip smackers and you know what that makes you? HAPPY!

But then what happens? All of a sudden, we get fed this idea that money doesn't bring happiness. Since when, my friend? Since you got dumped for Richy Rich? Why don't you go give a homeless man a dollar and see what he says. He says, "Thank you," or "God bless you," or, "I like your hat," even though you're not wearing one. And you know why he complimented your imaginary hat? Because he's HAPPY. And you know why he'll go ask someone else for a dollar right after you gave him one? Because then he'll have even MORE money, which, obviously, equals MORE HAPPINESS. I mean, get with the picture. And for those of you know-it-alls who are thinking, "Oh, I bet Natasha won't mention the whole 'there are some things money can't buy' schpeel because she won't know what to say to THAT one, well guess what? I'm gonna tackle that sucker right now.

Thing Money "Can't Buy"

1. Love
They're called hookers, people, and they don't come free. You may say "that's not love," but from what I hear, they DO in fact say "I love you" upon request, as well as many other things upon request, some things that don't even require words, and I'm pretty sure a night with someone who'll say, "Sure I'll take a dump on your chest," will make someone what? HAPPY.

2. Peace
All I have to say is if I was in a fight with someone, and they said, "Hey, I'll give you 20 bucks if you don't Vulcan nerve pinch me," I'd say, "Man, forget the Vulcan nerve pinch. Give me that 20 and I won't even be mad anymore." I don't think that's just me, either. I think many would do the same in that situation. Sure, that dude will be very happy that he wasn't unconscious, but do you know who is even happier in that situation? Me, fools. ME. You know why? Cause I got the mulah, that's why.

3. Beauty
Implants. These can actually be applied many places on the body. And yes, they cost what? Money.

4. Good Spirits
You wanna be in a good mood? Go buy some crack. It'll cost you some money, but hey, you'll be feelin good smokin' that crack, now won't you?

You can phrase it however you want, money is happiness...money brings happiness... money equals happiness...if you're broke you suck...it doesn't matter, they all mean the same thing. We've all wasted years of our lives listening to our teachers preaching to us about there being "more importat things in life than money," but you know why they're saying that? Because teachers are poor. You think a prostitute is happy? NO. But her pimp? YES. You think Donald Trump is happy? YES. But his wife? I would think NOT. You know why Tevye sang, "If I were a rich man, ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum?" Because he was too sad to even speak English anymore, he knew the truth, man, and he didn't want to be the one to say it. Well I know the truth, too, and I'm not afraid to say it. If I were a rich man, I'd be happier than Gilmore, mother fuckers, BUBBA BUBBA DEEDLE DUM!