It Is I, The Master of Dental Mishaps

Well, this is it. I have finally been inspired. By what, you may ask? A life-changing moment? A near-death experience? Love? No, by something even better than finding my inner soul, jogging back and forth across the freeway just for kicks, and making sweet, passionate love by candlelight with me, my lover, and Marvin Gaye all in attendance. I have been inspired...by...

The dentist.

Hermey was right. Fuck Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, man. I could have made a much better best friend to ol' Hermey Boy. Sure, I probably would have been annoying, channeling my suppressed inner 13-year-old and always calling him names other than Hermey.

"Hey Germy!"

"I told you, it's HERMY!"

"Oh, my bad. Sorry, Wormy."

"HERMY!"

"Herpes?"

"Hermy! HER-MEEEEE."

"A HAHAHA! Your name sounds like Herpes!"

Rudolph would never do such a thing, true, true. But he's a self-centered freak of nature and I really don't care for him at all. GO JOIN THE CIRCUS, RUDE-JACK-OFF. See? His name isn't even pun-friendly. He just needs to go. But back to Hermy. After making oh-so-intelligent rhymes that have to do with disease, I would finally open up and show how much we actually have in common.

"So, you want to be a dentist?"

"Yeah...but I can't...I'm supposed to make toys...wah wah wah."

"Why not be a dermatologist instead? That'd be much better."

"Why would be being a dermatologist be better?"

"Because then you could go by Derm-y! A HAHAHA!"

"Furb you!"

"Furb?"

"Like, you know, Furby. Toys. I'm an elf."

"Oh, I see. Well right on, cube!"

"Cube?"

"You know, like dude. But cube. Like a Rubik's cube."

"No."

"Ah, okay. At least I tried...I'm not an elf."

"Then quit trying to be one."

"I know more about dentists, actually."

"Really?!"

"Oh yeah. OH-HO. OH-YEAH."

"I love dentist people!"

"First things first, Herm-Job, you don't have to say "people" at the end. Just plain old "dentist" is fine."

"Okay, okay...please. I beg you, Wise Human Woman, tell me more!"

"Okay Ignorant Elf Boy, I shall teach you all I know. Give you the best tips. The best advice. The best brand of floss to practice with. But on one condition..."

"Anything! Anything!"

"A lifetime supply...of troll dolls."

"Agreed, agreed!"

"WITH. COMBS."

"Of course! Of course!"

"Okay. So. You wanna be a dentist, do ya?"

"More than anything!"

"You wanna be the best there is, do ya?"

"Oh my...why, that would be a dream come true!"

"I'll make you the most bad-ass-mutha-fuckin-dentist there is, boy. And to do that, you have to know these few simple rules. Now shut your claymation mouth and listen up.

Rule #1

Do NOT try and make conversation as you're jabbing your fingers into the patient's mouth. Now, a lot of dentists don't realize this, but it's actually difficult to talk with someone's hand in your mouth. I don't know what it is, but dentists are oblivious to this. When a girl is giving you head, do you ask her how her day was? NO HERMY, YOU DON'T. So if your hands are in someone's mouth, does it make it any better? No. It makes it even worse. One, that doesn't feel nearly as good to you, and two, that's retarded. Human dentists have obviously been brainwashed for centuries. I don't know who teaches these people, but I wish it was me. Because I would not say, "Now, as soon as you stick your fingers around in your patient's mouth, filling their entire mouth with your phalanges, you MUST start asking them questions. The more you tell your patient to open their mouth wide, the more questions you must ask. And the questions HAVE TO...and I mean HAVE TO...be. Utterly. Pointless." All dentists have been taught this, Hermy. But I'm here to tell you that that method is fucked up. Warped. And needs to be challenged."

"Well, what if I didn't ask utterly pointless questions? Like, I could ask questions such as, "How was your day today? Where are you working now? How has your [insert present season, i.e. winter] been so far?"

"NO HERMY, NO! THOSE ARE THE POINTLESS QUESTIONS I SPEAK OF!"

"But those are nice; they show that I really care about my patient!"

"NO. Those are the epidemy of small talk! And small talk SUCKS because it's impossible to disguise and once you start small talk everyone knows you're just making small talk and then they either don't want to talk to you anymore, or they make small talk BACK because they feel obligated to not say anything that's actually interesting since you're obviously boring as shit and then YOU'RE the one who is bored even though it's your own damn fault!"

"Natasha, you are so wise and badass."

"Hermy, we are wasting much time with you telling me things I already know, when there is much I must tell you that you do not know."

"I'm so sorry. Please continue."

"Don't tell me what to do, minion.

Rule #2

When you give your patient some water, and you tell them to gurgle and spit, do not watch them as they spit. You can watch them as they gurgle, if you really don't mind looking like a creepy ass with an uvula-fetish. But when it comes to spit-time, unless you want your patient to feel awkward, uncomfortable, and self-conscious, DO NOT STARE AS THEY SPIT."

"I would never want my patient to feel awkward, uncomfortable, and self-conscious!"

"Well Hermy, 93% of patients feel that way when their dentist watches them as they spit. Because, a lot of the time, they will spit out some phlegm. And that phlegm will stretch as they sit back in their seat after leaning over to the notorious spit cup. And then they will do something weird to get rid of it. I, personally, like to swipe it with my hand, which means I have phlegm on my hand for the next 30 minutes, but that's a lot better than the ones who think that shaking their head back and forth vigorously will do the trick. Sure, it breaks the Phlegm Bridge, but then the Phlegm Bridge is on both of their cheeks. And that's just gross. Have you ever had phlegm on your face, Hermy?"

"No...I don't think so..."

"Well it's gross."

"If it's gross, then why do dentists sit and watch as it happens?"

"Oh, Hermy...I didn't want it to come to this...but I guess now I have no choice but to tell you. The truth is, Hermy, dentists are sick, twisted fucks."

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

"Yes. They ask you if you want to watch TV, as if they're giving you a choice. HA! You obviously HAVE to watch TV, because if you don't watch TV, where the hell else can you look? The only other i is right into your dentist's little dental eyeballs, and they never look back, which is just plain rude. And then you feel ignored. So you must watch TV, but THEN, they stick their whole head in front of you since they can't possibly SWIVEL their SWIVEL chair, giving the SWIVEL chair no purpose whatsoever because apparently it can't SWIVEL, and then you HAVE to look into their eyeballs, unless you want to close your eyes the whole time. And if you do that, you're in a dark and scary place, and then you see the light...and you think you're dying...and you realize Heaven really does exist! But then you open your eyes and it hits you that it was really just that huge light right over your head and your religious beliefs are once again in question. And even worse than THAT is that your gums are sore."

"NOOOOOOOO!"

"YES. Your gums are really, really sore."

"No, I mean NOOOOOOO to dentists being sick, twisted fucks! Oh, the deception!"

"Don't lose hope, Hermy! YOU will be the first dentist to not make pathetic small talk! YOU will be the first dentist to not pretend to understand your patient's response of "Euhhhhhhblehhhhruuuuuplehhhh!" YOU will be the first dentist to not watch your patient spit! YOU will be the one to give them complete and total privacy as they figure out a way to get rid of the phlegm! YOU will not be a sick, twisted fuck!"

"You have hope in me?!"

"Knowing that my wisdom is in you, yes."

"I'm about to cry...this is so touching..."

"Don't be a pansy, Hermy, for there is one more rule."

"TELL ME, MASTER OF DENTAL MISHAPS!"

"Rule #3...

When filling a cavity, give your patient AS MUCH LAUGHING GAS AS POSSIBLE."

"What? Why?"

"Because that stuff is awesome."

"But....there was that kid...on youtube..."

"Yes. And I wish I had his dentist."

"Well...you have taught me well so far...I believe you, Natasha. And I will follow your guidance. And be the best dentist there ever was!"

"Yes. Now give me my troll dolls."