Twatter

I am going to take my machete and chop right through the bush and just say that music in this day and age can suck my balls.

Now I am going to get extremely off topic and let you know that I do not have balls. But as you can see, when it comes to verbally expressing your opinion toward something, it makes much more sense to incorporate body parts along with it. That way, you really prove your point. For example, why say this: "I do not agree with that theory because it does not provide sufficient evidence to support its claim, whereas the theory that I, myself, believe in is statistically supported as well as scientifically proven," when you can just say this: "Suck my dick, bitch." It saves you time AND it makes you sound like a badass. Why sound intelligent when you can sound like a badass? Exactly. Being a woman, I got the boring end of the deal. Female anatomy is not nearly as amusing as that of a male. Those lucky bastards. Can you imagine if our world of insults revolved around female body parts? Let's compare the two. I will give you four scenarios, and then provide you first with the male-oriented response followed by that of a woman-oriented one.

Scenario #1

Random Stranger: "Fuck you!"

Male Response: "Suck my dick!"

Female response: "Swirl your tongue around on my clitoris!"

Scenario #2

Random Stranger: "I'll kick your ass!"

Male Response: "Lick my balls!"

Female Response: "Penetrate my G-spot with your erected penis!"

Scenario #3

Random Stranger: "Hey, asshole!"

Male Response: "What, dickhead?"

Female Response: "What, vaginaface?"

Scenario #4

Random Stranger: "And what are you gonna do about it, huh?"

Male Response: "I'll gag you with my dick!"

Female Response: "I'll rub my vagina on your head!"

Do you see what I mean now? I mean, imagine a world where everyone was calling each other a "vagina face." Would anyone be taken seriously? It's that one word that changes the whole connotation of the phrase. Someone calls you a dickhead, your emotions get stirred. Someone calls you a vagina face, you will at first be severely confused, thinking something along the lines of, "Vagina face???" and then that confusion will morph into amusement and you will start laughing and then create a facebook group called, "My Face Does NOT Look Like A Vagina" and people will follow you on twitter, which, because of your fame, will be renamed twatter.

The point of this post is not to rename internet sites or educate you on the female genitalia, but instead to talk about what I mentioned many, many sentences ago.

Today's music. Can suck my balls.

I will prove two things by the end of my rambling, and if I don't, you can contact my secretary to file a complaint, but she won't answer the phone. BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A SECRETARY. But I do have the phone of a secretary. Where she is, I'm not sure, but you can call her phone if you'd like.

I will prove 1) just how bloody awful today's music is and 2) how easy it is to write a hit song according to today's standards.

I will prove this by showing you a popular song right now, and then I will rewrite each stanza in a similar yet unique manner. I will need it to rhyme. And I will need it to relate to a large portion of the population. So here I go. I am about to write a hit song. Prepare yourself.

Song: "SHOTS"

Artist: LMFAO & Lil Jon

Rewritten Version: "LOTS"

Artist: FHGBJDKSBDHF & Lil Tash

I'm fucked upppp

I'm stuffed uppppp

If you're not drunk ladies and gentleman
Get ready to get fucked up
Lets do it
Haha

If you're not obese girls and boys

Get ready to get stuffed up

Let's eat

Giggle Giggle

LMFAO
You know it

FHGBJDKSBDHF

You are aware of that

Lil Jon
Yeaah
All of the alcoholics
Where you at
Lets go
Hey hey hey hey uh huh hey hey hey hey
Lets go yeah!

Lil Tash

Yessss

All of the compulsive eaters

I can definitely see where you are

Let's easy-go

Hello hello hello hello errr what hello hello hello hello

Let's easy-go yes!

When i walk in the club
All eyes on me
I'm with the party rock crew
All drinks are free (all drinks are free)
We like Ciroc
We love Patron
We came to party rock
Everybody its on!

When I waddle in Mickey D

All eyes on me

I'm with the Hidden Cock Crew

I'll let you look for it for free (lift my belly)

We like French Fries

We like Big Mac

We came to Supersize

Everybody eat lots!

Shots shots shots shots shots Shots
Shots shots shots shots shots Shots
Shots shots shots shots shots shots
Everybody
Shots shots shots shots shots Shots
Shots shots shots shots shots Shots
Shots shots shots shots shots shots
Everybody

Lots lots lots lots lots lots

Lots lots lots lots lots lots

Lots lots lots lots lots lots

Every big body

Lots lots lots lots lots lots

Lots lots lots lots lots lots

Lots lots lots lots lots lots

Every big body

(yeah)
Let me see you do it

(yes)

Let me see you accomplish that task

The ladies love us
When we pour shots
They need an excuse
To suck our cocks (suck my cock)
We came to get krunk
How bout' you
Bottoms up
Let's go round two!

The doctors love us

When we eat lots

They need a reason

To keep their jobs

We came to eat

What about you

Bottom sticking out

It's just so huge!

Shots shots shots shots shots Shots
Shots shots shots shots shots Shots
Shots shots shots shots shots shots
Everybody
Shots shots shots shots shots Shots
Shots shots shots shots shots Shots
Shots shots shots shots shots shots
Everybody

Lots lots lots lots lots lots

Lots lots lots lots lots lots

Lots lots lots lots lots lots

Every big body

Lots lots lots lots lots lots

Lots lots lots lots lots lots

Lots lots lots lots lots lots

Every big body

If you aint gettin' drunk get the fuck out the club
If you aint takin' shots get the fuck out the club
If you aint come to party get the fuck out the club
Now where my alcoholics let me see your hands up
(what you drinking on)
Yeah
Jager-Bombs
Lemon Drops
Buttery Nipples
Jello Shots
Kamakazis
Three Wise Men
Fuck all that shit
Give me some gin!

If you ain't shoving food down your throat get the fuck out McDonald's

If you ain't Supersizin it to get that free apple pie get the fuck out McDonald's

If you're ordering a salad or a snack wrap get the fuck out McDonald's

Now where my compulsive eaters at please keep your arms down

(what you binging on)

Indeed

Chicken nuggets

Hashbrowns

Syrup and waffles

We make it all go down

Cheeseburgers

Chicken wings

A whole bucket

We know it's bad

But we say fuck it!

Shots!
Patrons on the rocks
And I'm ready for some shots
The women come around
Every time I'm pouring shots
Their panties hit the ground every time i give 'em shots
So cups in the air everybody lets take shots

Lots!

Five-dollar foot long for me

And I'm ready to eat three

I am gettin bigger

Every time I'm eatin lots

My panties get closer to the ground

Every time I'm eatin lots

Don't you love my FUPA? Everybody let's eat lots!

If you're feeling drunk put your hands in the air
And if you're trying to fuck get your hands in the air
Now say I'm fucked up
(I'm fucked up)
I'm fucked up
(I'm fucked up)
I'm trying to fuck
(I'm trying to fuck)
I'm tryin' to fuck
(I'm tryin' to fuck)

If you're feelin stuffed put your hands in the air

And if you're trying to fuck don't even try

Now say I'm stuffed up

(Munch munch munch yum)

I'm stuffed up

(Munch munch munch yum)

I'm tryin to fuck

(No you're not, you're eating)

I'm tryin tp fuck

(No you're not, you're eating)

I'm fucked upppp

I'm stuffed upppp

Lets go!

Let's easy-go!

(La dad a da
La dad a dad a da)

(Chew swallow chew

Swallow chew chew)

And there you have it, boys and girls! A HIT SONG. Bangarang, baby. And did you see how easy it was? I mean, the chorus was 20 words long, and yet only consisted of two different words, one in which was used 18 times. And did you happen to catch that many of the verses were just grocery lists? Hell, I'll save next Sunday's list to Kroger and make millions off it! And the physical commands? A lot of the song was just a rigged game of Simon Says, if you ask me. And of course there was the random question-asking that these musicians KNOW they will never receive an answer to, as well as the occasional name-stating, that way when they hear their song on the radio they can prove to everyone around them that it's them. By the way...I apologize for having to do this, but I DO own all copyrights to "Lots," thank you very much. If you rip me off, I will find you. And then I'll probably say, "Hey, there you are!" and leave. But still, you will be found. I WILL KNOW THE COORDINATES OF YOUR PRESENT LOCATION. Because this one here is a winner. And if you don't think so, you can kiss my labia.