Weiner-Watching

Attention, class! The first lesson in People-Watching is to Person-Watch, and that person you should be watching right now is me, your teacher and specialist. Do I even dare call myself an extraordinaire in the art of People-Watching?

You there! Yeah, you, sitting in the back of the class, you who had just sent a brief text message when you first entered through the doorway, you wearing the Black Sabbath t-shirt who was listening to Britney Spears on your iPod when you were waiting outside for me to unlock the door. Yes, you with the incredibly long pinky nails and pants 3 sizes too small. You, whose favorite fruit is that of the kiwi. Yeah, you. Stop picking your nose. I'm talking.

Yes, I do dare call myself an extraodrinaire.

"Wait...how'd you know I liked kiwis?"

"Shut up I'm talking."

"But, there's no way you could kno---"

"I'm an expert. It's what experts do. Do you know what your mother does at night when she leaves the house?"

"She goes to play cards with---"

"No she doesn't. Now be quiet. Listen. And learn."

I was in a public place (there are a lot of them nowadays. Even bathrooms are public, it's ridiculous.) and I was people-watching. And do you know what I realized?

People like to be watched.

What was once something we People-Watchers were taught to keep secret is no longer so! Now, people are watching people watching them.

Holyshitmindfuck.

I was trying to People-Watch (always capitalize your Ps and Ws, kids) and I had my victims looking over their shoulders to make sure I was still watching them! This world is constantly changing, class, and we have to keep up with it or we'll all get AIDS.

"AIDS?"

"Yes, AIDS."

"But how will people-watching initiate sexual encount---"

"ALWAYS CAPITALIZE YOUR Ps AND Ws!"

"Sorry. How does People-Watching initi---"

"What do people have?"

"Errr...things?"

"Not what I'm looking for here."

"Eyes?"

"PEE-PEES AND VEE-VEES, THAT'S WHAT THEY HAVE."

"What?"

"Yep, so when you're People-Watching, you're also Vagina-Watching and Weiner-Watching."

"I didn't enroll in this course to watch weiners..."

"Yes, you did. Unknowingly, but you still did."

"No I didn---"

"You're in this class, aren't you?"

"Well yes but..."

"Then you did. Moving on."

There's no such thing as anonymously People-Watching anymore, because in this day and age, people act out just to GET noticed. They WANT attention. They WANT us to notice them. Take bloggers, for instance. They write just so people can hear what they have to say without getting a chance to get a word in themselves! Because bloggers are selfish, they're all just a bunch of wannabes. "Look at me! Listen to me! I'm so funny, aren't I? Tell me I'm funny! Like me, like me!"

"But aren't you..."

"Shut up I'm talking."

For instance, tonight. I'm out People-Watching, and I step outside. And there's this guy who looks suspicious, so I start to watch him. And then he starts watching me watch him. And it ruins EVERYTHING. Because here is a perfect candidate to watch, but as soon as he notices me staring at him, he gets up, grabs his guitar, and walks on over to a big group of people chatting amongst themselves.

"Hey, I need y'alls help."

"With what?"

"I'm gonna sing this song I wrote, and I need you to sing with me."

"Okay!"

Drunks.

"Just repeat every line after me."

Like in pre-school?

"The best thing in the world!"

"The best thing in the world!"

I admit, I'm curious. Tell me, O' Mighty Songman, what is the best thing in the world?

"Is to love someone!"

"Is to love someone!"

Good god.

"And have them love you back!"

"And have them love you back!"

How original. I wonder, have you ever listened to music? Do you know what a song is? Because most of them say this.

"Sitting in a red Volvo!"

"Sitting in a red Volvo!"

Now THAT'S unique.

"In a parking lot!"

"In a parking lot!"

Well this is taking an unexpected twist.

"At Cafe Coco!"

"At Cafe Coco!"

I'm starting to get the feeling that there's some improvisation going on here...

"Listening to Peter Gabriel!"

"Listening to Peter Gabriel!"

Okay what the fuck.

"All I want is to be close to you!"

"All I want is to be close to you!"

To Peter Gabriel? Now I'm lost.

"Genuinely!"

"Genuinely!"

"Genuinely!"

"Genuinely!"

"Genuinely!"

"Genuinely!"

It didn't sound right the first time, man. Saying it over and over again does NOT change my opinion on that one.

"Uh-huh! Yeahyeahyeah Uh-huh! Ooo! Ooo! Ooohooh!"

"Uh-huh! Yeahhh...ooo...ooo...yeah...uhhhh..."

"Oooo yeah uhhhh." You're speaking my mind, O' Mighty Volvo-Owner.

"And here's the tricky part. You ready?"

"Yeah!"

Drunks.

"And I realized!"

"And I realized!"

That this song sounded better in your head?

"That I was sitting with Joseph!"

"That I was...sitting...with Joseph..."

You just now realized who you were sitting with? Was this before or after you smoked that crack and wrote this song?

"And I took a picture of him!"

"And I...took...a picture with him..."

Poor, poor, Joseph.

"The best thing!"

"The best thing!"

Damnit not this again.

"In the world!"

"In the world!"

This really is my cue to leave.

"Is to love someone!"

"Is to love someone!"

And yet somehow I'm staying...maybe this song is drawing me in...oh wait, I'm still here because I'm not done with my cigarette. False alarm.

"And to have them love you back!"

"And to have them love you back!"

"Thank you for listening to my song. You guys did great, you really did."

Compliments from the talentless. How interesting. Am I being mean? Yep! But someone needs to tell this guy the truth. If I went outside with a guitar and started singing about sitting in Hondas and wanting to be with Billy Idol, I hope someone would tell me to shut the fuck up. Otherwise I'd waste a lot of time writing more songs about vehicles and 80s pop stars. I'm helping him, really. This is constructive criticism.

And so class, that's your first lesson on People-Watching! True story, too. This is a TRUE ACCOUNT of my last dangerous excursion. So Lesson 1 Wrap-Up - when you People-Watch, only watch people who you can make fun of. Look over the normal people. They're a waste of time. They're boring. They're normal. We don't want normal here. We want weird. We want psycho. We want strippers, streakers, and stromboli. Watch the ones who are embarrassing themselves, because it will make you feel a lot better about yourself. Your homework assignment for next week is to write a paper on someone you stalked who was either a) trying too hard; b) acting like they weren't trying at all which really means they were trying more than any of us, or c) tried to try and epically failed.

Class adjourned. Until next Friday.