Ever Hooked-Up with a Vampire?

"I'm more into the jock type than any other."

"Really? Ugh, jocks annoy me so much. I like the artsy type. They're so mysterious."

"Yeah, and GAY."

"You know what really turns me on?"

The girl who had entered our conversation appeared out of nowhere. I had seen her around. Rumor was she jumped the border but doesn't know a word of Spanish. Fact was she had a black mullet and was 4 foot eight.

"VAMPIRES."

"Vampires? Like, Dracula?"

"Please, Dracula is SUCH a phony. I'm talking about real vampires. Like, teenage vamps. They are SO hot."

"Teenage vamps?"

"They make me so horny."

"OKAY WELL---"

"Like, I hooked up with this one vamp one time, and he was all like, "Let me suck you" and I was all like "No I can't be a vamp yet, I need to finish high school first" and he was all like "Just a little bit" and I was like "Okay" 'cause he was just so hot and wow talk about a MAJOR hickey."

"Can we see it?"

"Sure!"

"There's nothing there. Well, there's a big mole but..."

"I KNOW! Isn't it cool how vampire wounds heal immediately? There's this guy that goes here, and I'm almost certain he's a vampire."

"How do you know?"

"You know like how Spiderman has "spidey-sense?" Well, I have this like, "vampy-sense" where I can tell when someone's a vampire. It's because I've let so many vampires worship my body."

"OKAY WELL---"

"I thought vampires couldn't be out in the sunlight?"

"He wears sunglasses."

"Ahhh. Of course. Sunglasses."

"And a beanie."

"Can't forget the beanie."

"And a trench coat that trails behind him."

"Trails behind him? Like a dress?"

"And rubber boots."

"I think I would have noticed this guy if---"

"I'm gonna nail him."

"Vulgar language..."

"I'm getting horny just thinking about it."

"OKAY WELL---"

"What if I ran up to him and rubbed garlic all up in his nose? What would happen?"

"DON'T YOU DARE!"

"I have a couple cloves in my locker."

"YOU WOULDN'T!"

"No. Ugh! I just remembered I ate them for lunch yesterday."

"You wouldn't say such things if you had ever hooked up with the undead."

"Do people in coffins count? Because I've heard of people who---"

"NO. That is TOTALLY different."

"Oh darn."

"You really should try it sometime. There's nothing more exhilarating than a vampy in your crotchy."

"OKAY WELL---"

When I was little I had a major obsession with vampires. I watched every vampire movie that existed, and then I had this little book of facts about vampires that I had dreams of one day publishing. (It never got published.) For my seventh birthday, I asked my grandparents for a cross necklace, and when I opened it up I pressed it to every member in my family's forehead just to make sure it didn't burn them. Can't have the undead sleeping in the next room, you know? (It didn't burn any of them, though secretly I was hoping it would.) But none of that compares with the sixteen-year-old girl claiming she got sucked by a vampy.

"Natasha, you remind me of a vampire."

Oh God.

"It's SO cool."

Euuhghahaaah.

"I LOVE YOU!"

Sad to think that the first non-family member to throw their arms around my neck and tell me they loved me was the wannabe-vampire who jumped the border and had business in the front and a party in the back.