Life in a Stalkee's Shoes

Ever had a stalker? I have. He was a 2-ton flaming homosexual in 7th grade who went by the name of Julio. I don't remember how I met Julio, or when the stalking officially began. My first memory of living the life as a stalkee would be when the pale boy with the glasses and the mutated front tooth that went over his bottom lip even when his mouth was closed ran up to me and my friend Nancy, arms flailing every which way, and said, "I'm going to kiss this girl I like, and you're the only girl who can give me advice." Okay, I thought, One, you're gay so you do not like girls, Two, why am I the one giving the advice here, and Three, if your tooth is always going to be jutting out like that the least you can do is brush it.
"Well, what kind of advice do you need?"

"I've never kissed a girl before!"

"Just go for it, Julio."

"OH MY GOD! NO WAY! I need to practice first!"

"Well I don't really want to be around you when you make out with an apple."

"OH MY GOD! I can't kiss an apple! I need to practice on a person."

"You're gonna need a REALLY generous friend for that to happen, buddy."

"I know! YOU!"

You've GOT to be kidding.

"No no, Julio. That is NOT happening."

"Pllleeeaaassseeeeee! I HAVE to!"

"That is INSANE! NO."

"Just one little peck..."

"Julio. NO."

Closer and closer he came...

"Julio! I SAID NO!"

Two tons of lard were heading straight for my lips. I knew I wouldn't be able to push him off...

"HERE! KISS NANCY!"

In a wild state of panic, I grabbed Nancy by the wenis and thrusted her towards Julio, who had his eyes closed and his lips puckered.

"NOOOOOOOO!"

I just hope that one day Nancy will be able to forgive me.

Even after that, Julio kept showing up. He knew all of my classes, in order, and he knew who my friends were, so no matter where I went, he would stop at nothing until he tracked me down. Since I was Captain (that's right, with a capital C) of the cheerleading squad, Julio even went to the liberty of writing me cheers.

LOSER! LOSER! YOU'RE A LOSER!
THAT'S RIGHT LOSER!
SO GET LOST CUZ YOU'RE RETARDED!
YOU'RE SUCH A LOSER! WE HATE YOU!
LOSER! LOSER! YOU'RE A LOSER!

Sadly we never got to put it to use. Eventually Julio got put into Anger Management, and then the principal had actually noticed he was stalking me and told him to leave me alone. Julio thought I had told on him and threatened to stop being my friend for forever and ever, but then started crying and told me he was sorry, reapplying pink lipsgloss as he did, and after that we never spoke again.