"Claudia! Going to soccer practice today?"
"Yes."
"Yeah, I skipped Monday and had to do sprints. Did you get caught skipping?
"Yes."
"Man that sucks. So...did you have a good weekend?"
"Yes."
"Me too! So...what'd you do?"
"Yes."
And it's not that she's a mean person. I've had my share of those, as well. We called her Bitch.
"Natasha! I saw your sister today and you two look exactly alike!"
"Really? I don't really see it, but that's what everyone says!"
"Well, I mean, you're definitely A LOT BIGGER but other than that, yea!"
It's just that she has a problem. And no one can tell her because it's not really something you can fix. It's like this: you're talking to her, right? And, as what happens in most conversations, someone says something funny. It doesn't have to be "laugh till your abs ache" funny, just "giggle till you wiggle" funny, and so she laughs, because of course everyone there will laugh. I mean, how weird would it be if everyone was laughing and there was one person just sitting and staring at the laughing people? I'd rather fake laugh than stare at laughing people. (Or if you can't fake laugh real well, just go for the verbal approach. Try saying, "Oh! That's funny!" instead of chuckling softly. You could also say, "Man! That's a good one, Mark!" or, "Wow Cindy, you got some humor up your sleeves today!" but be sure to not sound sarcastic, because then you just look like a bitch.) So we're all laughing, and she's laughing, and that's when it happens. SPIT. EVERYWHERE. Not one little fleck that flies through the air and lands on the ground, several bubbly wads of gooey saliva splashing onto everyone's faces. (We've gotten one step closer to comfort: keeping our mouths CLOSED 30 seconds after something funny is said. Someone's else's spit in my mouth is only welcome if we're swapping it. I don't want anyone giving it away as a frikin' freebie.) So that's it. That's the problem. Sure, sure, it sounds like no big deal, but that's coming from someone who has never suddenly smelt fish and realized there was a masticated ball of tuna underneath your left nostril. That's coming from someone who hasn't had to wipe cremated Wonder Bread from your eyebrows, only to smear it on there even more. That's coming from someone who hasn't tried to look hot in from of a guy and then had to pick out potato chip pieces from their hair (one. by one.) as he stood by laughing. And pointing. (Put together that's laughing and pointing and MAN that's one combo I'm never gonna order.) It's not something easily ignored. It's a problem that needs to be fixed. Options...?
CONFRONTATION
"Wendy! Good ol' Wendy...listen. You tend to spit food at people when we're all trying to have a good time. It kinda kills the mood, you know? You don't want to be known as The Mood Killer, Wendy. So just try and not laugh at funny things...it's not that hard, just bite your lip or put your hand over your mouth or run away really fast when you feel a laugh comin' on. That's all, Wendy. That's all."
STRAIGHT-UP TRUTH
"Wendy! Good ol' Wendy...you're disgusting. Spit another one of your grotesque bacon bits onto my cheek and I'm going to take your precious bacon bits and shove them up your ass. Now TAKE A HIKE you pathetic excuse of a human being."
STRAIGHT-UP LIES
"Wendy! Good ol' Wendy...I'm concerned about you. My father is a well-known surgeon in the medical field at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital and he had a 12-year-old hermaphrodite come in yesterday with a built-up ball of Bugles stuck in their esophagus and he said it was because they tended to always laugh before they had properly chewed AND SWALLOWED their food. I noticed that some of our friends say funny things sometimes and I just don't want to risk it and since I care about you I don't want you to risk it, either. So you should probably not laugh while you're eating or not eat at all. I'm so glad I got to warn you."
DUCK AND COVER
"And I was like, "Yea! If that's what you call a RUG! Get it, rug?"
Looking around to see if this one is a hit. Slight smiles creeping in on a couple faces...bingo.
"OKAY EVERYONE! CHRIS JUST SAID SOMETHING FUNNY! THE LAUGHING HAS NOW STARTED AND MAY LAST A FEW SECONDS. PLEASE BE AWARE."
Hands up over my face, popping a squat which really just looks like I'm about to take a dump in the hallway, observe the poor suckers who didn't listen to my announcement, and...coast is clear.
WARDROBE CHANGE
"Don't mind me!"
"Wait, who is that?"
"It's me, NATASHA!"
"Oh hey! Why are you..."
"Nothing to worry about! It's just something I found layin' around the house!"
"You're wearing a ski mask..."
"I said it was NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!"
ANTI-LAUGHTER
"And I looked down and my fly was unzipped!"
"HAHAHA---"
"MY DOG HAS PELVIC CANCER AND IS GOING TO DIE."
"Natasha...I am so sorry..."
"It'll be okay. Thank you for caring."
"So then Mrs. Ewing tells me it's unzipped."
"HAHA---"
"MY BEST FRIEND WHO I'VE KNOWN MY ENTIRE LIFE IS MOVING TO AFGANISTAN."
"Natasha...that is terrible...wanna talk about it..."
"No no..I don't want to put a damper on everything. I appreciate your concern."
"So then I go to zip it up and I realize I forgot to wear boxers today!"
"HA---"
"I'VE BEEN EXTREMELY CONSTIPATED FOR SIX WEEKS."
THE INTERNET
"Wendy! Good ol' Wendy...ever read my blog?"
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