THE COPS WILL FIND YOU

Psycho moms. Gotta love 'em.

"Are they still behind us?"

"Uhhh...yeah. Yeah, they are.
My sister and her friend Raegan were following my friend Rose and I back from a party. Suddenly, my sister calls me.

Riiinnnngggg!!!

"Hello?"

"Natasha?"

"Speaking?"

"Dude shut up!"

"HaHA! Sorry okay, what's up?"

"Raegan's mom is freaking out."

"What do you mean?"

"Listen."
I assume my sister had held the phone away from her ear, arm extended, head turned away as if in agony, as I sat and listened to the retaliation from a 16 year old girl to her psycho mother.

"MOM! MOM!...MOM!...NO, MOM! MOM, LISTEN!...MOM!"

Not that interesting. But it sounded BAD.

"So what's she freaking out about?"

"Raegan's curfew was 20 minutes ago and her mom didn't know she was in East Nashville."

"Well we're 10 minutes from her house."

"She said it's all your fault."

"WHAT!"

"Wait. Hold on..."

"What?"

"Hold on..."

"What?"

"Wait..."

"WHAT."

"Raegan's mom wants dad's number."

"Why?"

"To call him and tell him what we've been up to."

"But I told Dad where we were going."

"She says she wants Dad's number now or she's grounding Raegan for 6 months."

"WHAT!"

"Yeah."

"She can't call Dad at 11:20 at night after he had a date with Stepmom!"

"Not if she doesn't have his number."

"Give her mine."

"Are you gonna answer?"

"HA!"

"What about your voicemail?"

"It's automatic."

"Sweet!"

"Let me know how it goes down. Bye."

"Bye."

We pull into a parking lot 5 minutes from Raegan's house, my sister jumps into the car, and Raegan waves politely, answers her phone, starts screaming into it, looks back at us, and waves again with a smile on her face. Poor girl.

"Dude, Raegan is FREAKING OUT."

"I would be, too!"

"Her mom was calling her over and over and over and over again, then when Raegan would answer she'd just start screaming at her."

"Poor girl."

Riiinnnngggg!!!

"Who is it?"

"Fuck! It's her."

"Fuck!"

"Should I answer?"

"Should she answer?"

"NO!"

"Okay."

Rose, my sister, and I all leaned in...attentive, curious, scared shitless.

Hello. I am trying to reach Natasha and Violet's father. This is Dawn Arnold, Raegan's mother. Your daughter Violet is at large with my daughter right now, in the car, on the way home from East Nashville. Raegan has gone outside the perimeter radius zone I have given her, and it is all because of your oldest daughter, Natasha. Natasha has led Raegan out, past curfew, to East Nashville to do god knows WHAT, and now I am sitting at home with no transportation. I have anxiety. The last time Raegan had gone over to your house I talked to your wife about your daughter Natasha refusing to give Raegan a ride to the YMCA for me to pick her up at. I had anxiety at the time because of that, and I have anxiety now because my daughter cannot be led 30 minutes away by your daughter, who should know far better than that. If this is a faulty number, you just be glad you don't have teenage daughters who lie. I have no transportation."

First of all, "at large"? What does that even mean?

Second of all, The whole YMCA thing? WE LIVE 2 AND A HALF MINUTES FROM THE YMCA. WHY COULDN'T SHE DRIVE HER LAZY ASS A HALF MILE AND GET HER OWN DAUGHTER. And I didn't even know I was supposed to take her there.

Third of all, you don't have to tell us you have anxiety. We know.

It seems like this would be an appropriate time to laugh, but we weren't. We were frightened. And just really pissed off.

"Dude! I'm 18. I have no curfew. And, me and Rose had two hours left to spent at that party but Raegan was too scared to find her way back alone so me and Rose agreed to take her home. That woman should be THANKING US!"

Riiinnnngggg!!!

"Violet, is that your phone?"

"Yeah."

"Who is it?"

"Fuck! It's her."

"Fuck!"

"Should I answer?"

"Should she answer?"

"Yes!"

"Really?"

"Well no."

Beep Beep! Beep Beep!

"What was that?"

"Fuck! She left a voicemail!"

"Fuck!"

"Should I play it?"

"Should she play it?"

"YES!"

"Really?"

"YES!"

"Put it on speakerphone."

"Ooh nice."

Violet, this is Raegan's mother, Ms. Arnold. Raegan was supposed to be home TWENTY minutes ago. You, your SISTER, and your sister's friend are all out PAST CURFEW. I called your FATHER to let him know where you have BEEN and what you all have been UP TO, and I will call him AGAIN. If my DAUGHTER is not home in 5 MINUTES I am calling the COPS to track her down, and then I am telling the cops to track your SISTER down. Your SISTER has led Raegan to the middle of NOWHERE in the MIDDLE of the night and Raegan BETTER be home in 5 minutes or THE COPS WILL FIND YOU.

First of all , cops have better things to do than hunt down teenage girls who are out when they are legally allowed to be out, under the influence of nothing, driving in their cars listening to Bananarama.

Second of all, I'm about to call the cops on YOU, BITCH.

Third of all, you know that Mike Myers skit on SNL?

"I'm sorry, I am having trouble controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!"

That's what Raegan's mom sounds like.

"That woman is nuts."

"Bonkers."

"Loony."

"Off her rocker."

"Insane."

"Straight-jacket worthy."

"Crazy."

"Kooky."

"PISSED."

Psycho moms. Gotta love 'em.

(Unless they call the cops on you.)