Toilet Talk

I have more important things to do with my life than clean a toilet. I have more important things I could do with a toilet other than cleaning it, such as using it. Making sure my open mug of coffee is far from it when it is flushed because apparently the water invisibly sprays up into the air. Keeping my 2-year-old brother FAR from it because he likes to experiment with the nature of the independent swirly. Those are just a few things I could do involving toilets that would better my life other than getting down on my hands and knees and scrubbing the exact place a countless number of asses have been. Clean asses? Dirty asses? Any kinds of asses. And here I am, in the same position people get in to pray to the lord, looking as if I'm worshipping the Crapper and whatever might have been plopped down into it. Or tinkled down into it. Or kerPLUNKED down into it. I restate my case. I have better things to do with my life, THE ONE LIFE I WILL EVER RECEIVE IN ALL OF ETERNITY, than spend one second of it cleaning a toilet.

What's the point, anyway? If you're willing to put your ass where other asses, stranger's asses, fat auntie's asses, have been in the first place, then exactly what sliver of dignity are you trying to hold on to? You have none left. None of us do, really. And if you're patting yourself on the back for being one of those people who rip three pieces of 12 inch toilet paper strips and then place them on the left, right, and back of the toilet seat then stop patting yourself and slap yourself. Sure, I'm putting my ass there but I'm not letting my hands get anywhere NEAR that seat! And here you are putting them near where people's butt cheeks have been three different times! In three different locations where the germs could have spread! Its called germs, people. It's called hepatitis, people. It's called shit on your fingertips, people. And what? I'm gonna clean it and everyone is going to be like, "Hey guys, Natasha just scrubbed the toilet so let's not empty our bowels for a couple of days." Please. I wish that were the case, but it's not. People gotta pee and I can do nothing to stop them. Cleaning a toilet probably encourages them to go anyway. "Use it before someone else's fat ass gets to it, man!" You know the drill.

My point in raising this minor problem in my life is the fact that "cleaning the toilet" happens to be one of my weekly chores. Sure, I don't have a job. Sure, I get paid 20 bucks for cleaning a toilet. Sure, I do nothing around my house to help out. BUT CAN'T I HAVE SOME OTHER USELESS CHORE? Like dusting, perhaps. I could dust. I could dust gooooooood. But oh no, I'm stuck getting yelled at for not cleaning my toilet. You don't use it, do ya, Pops? NO. So why do you care what I do with my bum? Or if it's clean or not? Or who it is that gets a peek at it on the weekends? It's my private property and if my bum is my property than so should be my toilet.

So you're stressing the fact that the toilet needs to be cleaned once a week. Does it really get that dirty once a week? Do me and my 15-year-old sister shit on our toilet seat? Have we not learned what the hole in the bowl is a target for? Did we not grow out of Pampers almost 2 decades ago? And what if I skipped a week, huh? What if we let that toilet go uncleaned for two weeks...no no no! Three weeks...eh? Eh? Or should we dare and go for FOUR WEEKS...what would happen? Would 4 weeks of using a toilet a few times a day turn it brown and stained? Would the water be dirty and murky? Poisoned and lethal? Would disease spread throughout the entire house, or would the house merely smell like pure shit? (That's right folks, pure shit, none of this inbred shit you've heard of. Pure.) I don't think so. You know what I would think would happen? I'd think our toilet would be the same old toilet it always had been. We'd still use it, it'd still flush away our little brown secrets. If I didn't clean the toilet, life would go on just as we've always known it to go. I mean, I'm not saying OTHER people shouldn't clean it...I'm just saying I shouldn't. I'd like to give a shout out to all plumbers of the world. I respect you people. I know you fix them rather than clean them, but cleaning them is a way of fixing them if you think about it. You know what they say...a dirty toilet leads to a dirty conscience.When I stop getting paid 20 dollars to clean my own toilet every Sunday, I'll be giving you a call.