Attacked by Vibrator

Parties in Movies vs. Parties I Go To

Movie: People are dancing. Their moves are smooth and seductive and their drinks never spill. Someone eventually gets laid.
Reality: I am jumping. My moves are awkward and uncoordinated and my entire drink is spilled on the floor by the end of the song. Someone eventually calls me, "Elaine."

Movie: People are wet from stripping down and jumping into a swimming pool. It is an arms race.
Reality: I am wet from some girl pouring the entire contents of her beer down my shirt because I "touched her man." It was an arm graze.

Movie: People run from the cops when they suddenly arrive.

Reality: I run into a fence that had been there the whole time.

Movie: Some nice guy asks a cute girl if he can kiss her. She smiles and says yes.
Reality: Some guy asks me if I want to have a threesome. I throw up in my throat a little bit and say no.

Movie: Someone pukes in the bathroom immediately after saying, "I'm gonna be sick. I know it."
Reality: I get followed into the bathroom immediately after saying, "No, you cannot follow me into the bathroom. I don't know you."

Movie: People play beer pong. They throw the ball. They get drunk. There is celebration everywhere.
Reality: I play beer pong. I get a ping pong paddle thrown at my head. I get a concussion. There is blood everywhere.

Movie: The alcohol never runs out.
Reality: The alcohol always runs out.

Movie: People keep drinking. They say, "I'm drunk as piss." They really are.
Reality: I keep drinking. I say, "I'm pissing my pants." I really am.

Movie: A guy hands a girl a drink. They spend the night laughing and getting to know one another. "Do you come here often?" It's an ice breaker.
Reality: A girl hands me a vibrator. I spend the night sneaking up behind people and vibrating them from behind. "Attacked by vibrator." It's an ice breaker.

Movie: The night seems to last forever. Until the movie ends.

Reality: The next day seems to last forever. Until I start drinking again.