Speed Bumps and Lady Lumps

Random Rants After Driving Over a Few Speed Bumps

Rant #1

Whatever asshole invented speed bumps completely neglected the female anatomy. We already have to deal with a little thing called gravity. We don't need things like fucking lumps in the road to speed up the process. I'd hold myself at every speed bump if I could do it nonchalantly. Unfortunately, there's nothing nonchalant about groping oneself.

Rant #2

I only run into people when I look like shit.

What They Say to Me

"Natasha?! Oh my god, I haven't seen you in forever! How are you?!"

"I'm great, I'm great!"

"Well, it's good to see you!"

What They Say to Their Friends

"I ran into Natasha Ferrier today."

"Really? Wow, I haven't seen her in years!"

"Yeah, did you know she's homeless now?"

"Is she really?"

"Yeah, and I heard she's a bedwetting lesbian."

"No. Way."

"Way."

Rant #3

According to Yahoo, the things that are "trending now" include: Kim Kardashian, the Holocaust, and Wendy's pretzel burgers. My question, other than the obvious What the fuck is wrong with you people, is this: Are these things listed in consecutive order? Who gains an appetite after reading about a genocide? Is Kim Kardashian Jewish? Why are we combining snack foods? Does Yahoo know that the definition of "trend" is a general direction in which something is changing or developing? Is the Holocaust developing right now? Into what, exactly? The next sitcom? I can only imagine tomorrow's "trends."

1. Dolly Parton
2. Three-Fifths Compromise
3. Taco Bell's Go-gurt Gordita

Rant #4

Freaks is a 1932 film about a traveling circus. The controversial aspect of this cinematic endeavor was that every actor in the circus's "freak show" had legitimate "birth defects." (I'm putting everything in quotations right now to avoid being offensive, not because I'm lying. No CGI here, folks.) Among the pinheads, bearded women, dwarfs, Siamese twins, and legless men, there was one they called Prince Randian, more commonly known as "The Human Worm." However, I'm not here to offer you motion picture history. I'm here to tell you what it would be like to be a human worm.

After a two hour conversation with a friend of mine, we came up with the following:

Disclaimer: Yes, I realize a two-hour conversation on this topic is way too long. It's really too long to talk about anything, but yes, it's especially too long to talk about a handicapped human being. Don't ask questions. Don't judge us. Go fuck yourself. But before you do that, or maybe even while you're doing that, if that's what you're into, read this:

• If you had no arms or legs, you'd have to use your face to climb onto the toilet, smearing your cheeks all over the seat.
• If you had no arms or legs, you'd fall into the toilet once you finally got up there.
• If you had no arms or legs, your hormonal teenage son would get mad at you and pick you up and toss you in the closet.
• If you had no arms or legs, you'd be able to see up every woman's skirt - including your teenage daughter's.
• If you had no arms or legs, two twenty-somethings would spend two hours talking about you, leading to the conclusion that the only logical job you could have would be a radio DJ. Then the third friend would eventually get up and leave the room after becoming very annoyed that his two companions just spent hours talking about something "so so so stupid."

After having this conversation, I decided to look up ol' Prince Randian, only to find that my friend and I were far, FAR wrong.

The man is obviously capable of anything. My apologies, Randy. You are my new hero.

Rant #5

When I was in middle school, I remember getting into an argument with one of my parental figures about my sexual knowledge.

"I already know everything sexual," I told them.

"You're ten years old, Natasha. You do not know everything, especially everything sexual."

"Yes I do."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do."

"No you don't."

"Then name something. I'll tell you what it is."

"Fine. Jelly baby."

"I don't know what that is."

"Exactly."

"TELL ME!"

"No."

"PLEASE!"

"No."

For some unknown reason, this memory resurfaced today as I was writing. I decided to finally look it up.

Google search: jelly baby

1. A type of soft confectionery that are shaped as babies in a variety of colours
2. An English sweet favoured by the Doctor (whoever that is)

Everything was about candy. I WAS LIED TO! But just to double check, I went to a second source.

Urban dictionary search: jelly baby

1. An English sweet
2. A close cousin of the jelly bean, favored by Ronald Reagan (is he the doctor?)
3. An English sweet (candy)

LIED TO! LIED!

...until I got to the fourth definition.

4. When a man ejaculates into a woman's anal canal and a blob of semen secretes out during a bowel movement. As in, My wife came home from work today to tell me that last night's anal sex left her with a jelly baby.

NOT LIED TO! NOT! ...ew.

So now I know. And so do you. 

Avoid speed bumps.