The Devil and Mr. Woodworth

If for some reason I ever end up in Hell, I imagine it would closely resemble a little thing I was forced to participate in every single day of my entire freshmen year. What is this little thing, you wonder? The Devil would know. I would descend into the flaming gates...the fiery pits...whatever it is you descend into, and Satan would be there waiting, and he would say something like, "Helllloooooo Natasha. Do the words, 'Mr. Woodworth' and 'minivan' ring a bell? MUAHAHA!" and I would reply, "Sounds vaguely familiar..." and he would answer, "How about 'Russian' and 'middle seat?' MUAHAHA!" and I would whisper, "It can't be..." and he would say, "How about...'AFTERNOON CARPOOL?' MUAHAHA!" and I would scream, "NOOOOO! Not afternoon carpool!" and he would say, "MUAHAHA!"

"Good afternoon everyone. Natasha, Lucy, and Jasmine, you sit in the back. Good ol' Cole here can sit up front with me!"

"Hey guys...I was thinking maybe today I could sit by the window? I get kinda squashed..."

"No."

"So Cole, how'd you like that football game last Friday night? Pretty amazing, huh?"

"I didn't go, dude."

"I went, Mr. Woodworth!"

"Why didn't you go, Cole? Football is a man's sport, you know!"

"I was getting my lip pierced."

"Well, I'm sure you'll be at the next game! It's supposed to be a good one!"

"I'll be at the next game, Mr. Woodworth!"

"You're going to the game, right, Cole?"

"Nah dude. Football sucks."

"I like football, Mr. Woodworth!"

"Do you play any sports Cole?"

"Nah dude."

"I play a sport, Mr. Woodworth!"

"Why not Cole? Sports were made for us men, you know!"

"I wouldn't pass the drug test, dude."

"I would pass the drug test, Mr. Woodworth!"

"Dad, I think Natasha has been trying to tell you something."

"WHAT, LUCY, DO YOU THINK I'M DEAF? DO YOU THINK I AM NOT ABLE TO UNDERSTAND? DO YOU THINK I'M SPEAKING RUSSIAN? IS THAT IT? YOU THINK I'M SOME RUSSIAN MAN WHO CAN'T UNDERSTAND A LICK OF ENGLISH? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK? HUH? HUH?"

"No sir."

"So Cole, you a Packers fan?"