Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Snow White and the Horny Dwarfs

It has come to my attention that all little girls should immediately cease in idolizing the Disney princesses. I mean, really, what is this teaching them exactly?

To find their Prince Charming?

To talk to animals?

To walk around singing and dancing in public?

Not to mention the millions of other "insignificant details" of the princesses, which, if you really pay attention to closely, are some pretty fucked up shit.

Both Jasmine AND Ariel wear bras for tops.
You blame Madonna for your daughter wearing lingerie for the public eye to see? Try and trace back a little further, to the million of times you popped in A Little Mermaid and Aladdin for your 5-year-old to watch. I mean, come on, Ariel had two SEASHELLS over her breasts and Jasmine was considered a "street mouse" when she covered her entire stomach and cleavage with clothing, but once that clothing was off? Glamorous princess who gets her happy ending! WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN. To dress like sluts, that's what.

Belle is a fraud.
She's French? She doesn't even have a french accent, and the only word she knows is "bonjour." She's a fake, I tell ya. A FAKE. French my ass, man. She's way too friendly, first of all, AND she falls in love with an animal. You know what that's promoting? It's promoting your 6-year-old daughter to go make out with the family dog. Anyway, her sexual preferences are irrelevant. Let's get back to he fact that she's a fraud. I never ONCE saw her eat a baguette or drink a glass of wine, and she did not smoke ONE cigarette throughout the entire movie. FRAUD, I TELL YA!

Cinderella is only after one thing.
Yes, I'm talking about love. Yeah fuckin right people SEX. I am talking about SEX. She lives a horrible life where she's a maid for three bitches and she has no freedom and lives in an attic and her only friends are mice who she "talks" to...cabin fever? More like attic fever. That cinder bitch is goin' crazy and has no means of affording a mental institution. With all that being said, a FAIRY GODMOTHER pops up out of nowhere and what does she wish for? A new home? Not to be a house slave? Independence? NO. She wishes for a dress and a carriage so she can go get laid. Utterly ridiculous.

Sleeping Beauty has a thing for rapists.
I mean, it's pretty evident. She's under a spell, she's completely unconscious because of this spell, and some dude comes along, sees that she and her bodacious bod are just lying there, completely defenseless, and what does he do? Carry her to safety? Shake her and say "wake up"? No. He KISSES her. He bends over and puts his lips on hers. Thank god she woke up, man. That's all I have to say. You think if she didn't wake up he would've stopped there? "Oh, one kiss will satisfy my sexual needs." I DON'T THINK SO. She was lucky enough to wake up and slap him across the face for taking advantage of her, but does she do that? No. She goes off and marries the pervert. What a good lesson to teach the kiddies.

Snow White lives in a male brothel.
I mean, think about it. Cut the naive shit people and look at the big picture here. Seven men. Seven single men. Seven horny single men. Seven 3-foot horny single men. Seriously, when is the last time any of them got some action? Picture going on a date with one of the dwarfs. Let's say it's Happy, just for hypothetical purposes.

Happy: Let's go back to my place, yeah? (says with a wide grin, since he is Happy)

Date: Only if you give me a tour of your bedroom... (Happy likes 'em slutty.)

Happy: Sure, just don't wake my roommates! (says with a wide grin, since he is Happy)

Date: Oh, I'll be very quiet...that is until we get to YOUR bedroom. (Happy likes 'em kinky.)

Happy: No, no, silly! I share a bedroom WITH my roommates! (says with a wide grin, since he is Happy)

Date: The two of you SHARE a room?

Happy: No no silly!

Date: Oh! Wow...GOOD. I was about to say---

Happy: The SEVEN of us share a room!

Date: Um what.

Happy: Yeah! Come see!

Date: Okay.

Happy: Meet Doc, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Dopey, and Grumpy!

Date: I'm leaving.

Happy: Now now, what makes you say that you silly willy!

Date: This whole thing is fucked up.

Happy: You kook! That phrase isn't in The Language of the Little People!

Date: No. Really. This is fucked up. You live with six men. Who all have a striking resemblance to each other. How did you even meet these people? Bearded Dwarfs Anonymous? Doc, if you're really a doctor, then why the fuck don't you get Sneezy on some meds so he stops fucking sneezing all the time? And Sleepy is obviously already on some meds because who the fuck is that tired but can stay awake? Bashful, you're what? In your mid-50's? And you're STILL blushing like a little school girl? GROW A PAIR, MAN. Dopey, I don't blame you because you obviously have some type of down syndrome and can't help this situation you're stuck in, or you've just smoked way too much dope over the past years and that's how you got your name, and Grumpy...Grumpy, I respect you. You're the only one who's not afraid to show how much you hate this fucking place. Happy...

Happy: Ooh! My turn, finally! What do you like about me?!

Date: Not a god damn thing, you piece of shit. You're happy about shit that most people would hang themselves over. Like the fact that you're a workaholic, have never been married, have no grand kids, and your nose is bigger than your wang.

So, with this in mind, we have Snow White. The "innocent," the "naive," the "role model" of young girls. No. No. NO. Snow White is a whore. She comes in, lays in their bed, waiting for them to come back. What's the usual outcome when a man comes home to find a woman lying in his bed? And what's with the fact that she's always in the same clothes? That's some dirty ass panties she's got on. If she's even wearing any.

But don't lose hope; movies can still be shown to the kids without them taking life lessons from them. Your best bet with Disney movies to take home to the family would have to be Fantasia, because nobody really knows what the fuck is going on in that movie.