Tuesday, August 26, 2008

She's An Insomniac, Insomniac!

It's 3 in the morning and I'm making coffee. At 3:30 I will be drinking that coffee. After a year of denial I have decided to just embrace it. Embrace...the insomnia.

Hey, I'm not whining. I've seen Fight Club. It's the first scene and I have to hear some grown man whine about his sleeping problems. That's not me. I'm not Edward Norton. (I had to break it to you sooner or later.) So what does the average person do to put themselves to sleep? You name it, I've tried it.

Man I wish I could sleep. Maybe if I turn on my side...nope. Maybe if I lay on my back for an hour...nope. Maybe if I turn on my side for one hour, then my back for another hour, then back to the side...nope. Maybe if I curl into the fetal position...maybe if I silently hum the word 'fetal' aloud to myself. Fetalfetalfetal...nope.

Counting sheep? Please. I've tried counting, whether it be sheeps...cows...Brad Pitts...the problem is I can't control my mind after I reach eleven. All of a sudden one sheep will trip and fall, then the next one won't know and so they'll keep running and they'll hit the sheep lying there on the ground, then the next sheep does the same thing and there's a pile of bloody sheep, then Brad Pitt #99 appears and starts taking off his clothes. Then I appear and...it just doesn't put me to sleep.

Hot bath before bed? Relaxing, but my own smell keeps me up. Creepy visual, I know. Me smelling myself in the dark. Mmmmm...mandarin vanilla brown sugar raspberry mint...mmmmm...go ahead, imagine. Or go take a hot bath so you yourself can do the same. (Note: Mandarin Vanilla Brown Sugar Raspeberry Mint NOT an actual scent. But in due time I'm sure it and a lufa (each sold separately) will be available at your local Bath and Body Works.)

Hot milk before bed? Here's what I do: pour skim milk into a mug until it reaches the brim. Add 5 packets of Splenda. Stick in the microwave for 30 to 45 seconds. It doesn't put me to sleep but it sure is delicious.

Hot Pocket before bed? Not a real remedy. But still delicious.

Unfortunately they don't have a NiQuilholics Anonymous. So I had to quit that idea early.

They don't have a Benedryllholics Anonymous either.

Or a TylenolPMaholics.

Probably because the lack of alliteration. I bet that's the only reason. You can't make, "I'm going to TPMA" sound cool.

My mother used to tell me to imagine floating on a cloud. Of course that entailed me to believe there must be others floating on clouds as well.

"Hey there!"

"Natasha, is that you?"

"Yes Harold, it's me, alright!"

"Well by golly, what are YOU doing in these here parts?"

"It all pretty much looked the same to me! I just kept on a'floatin!"

"Well you git on back to yer bed now, ya'hear?"

Of course if I was floating on a cloud it must mean that I would have a country accent. Of course. See THIS may be why I cant sleep. As The Temptations once doo-wopped, "It was just my imagination...running away with me..." THAT'S my problem.

It's 3:30 and I've got my mug hot and ready to go. I could try going back to bed. But it's a lost cause. The coffee's ready. I'm up. The sun isn't quite up yet but it will be sooner or later. I may not be Edward Norton, but I'm Natasha Ferrier. And Natasha Ferrier doesn't wait for the sun to wake her up. She wakes the sun up. Now get back to bed.