Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Don't Taste the Rainbow

What I've Learned Recently

1. Something about X-Men.

Wolverine. Is two Batmans. About to kiss.

2. Something about a "Rainbow Dick."

"Blah blah blah blah rainbow dick."

"Wait, what?"

"Rainbow dick."

"Yeah, I heard that, but I wasn't listening to the beginning of the conversation."

"It's when a group of girls all wear different colored lipsticks and go down on a guy."

"Wait...they all go down on one guy?"

"Yep, then he has a rainbow dick."

"I'm so confused."

"You know, cause the lipsticks make ---"

"Yeah yeah yeah, I get that part, I just don't get why this term even exists."

"Apparently some girls do that."

"WHAT?! I would never do that. But if I did - not that I would - but if I had to, I'd be red. Then at least I could go first and avoid all of the germs."

"But what if red goes last? I mean which way does the rainbow go if it's on a dick?"

"That's a good question...I'm not sure."

"I'm not sure, either."

"Well of all the things to be unsure about, I'm content with this one. Hopefully I don't ever know which way the rainbow goes."

"True. But you'll never look at Skittles the same way again."

3. Something about Biggie Smalls

He died. Sixteen years ago.

4. Something about this blog post

I learned less than I thought I had when I started writing this.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Accidentally Sober

"Natasha, this is getting out of hand."

"I know. I've been on a serious binge."

"We need to have an intervention. Right now."

"Guys, I'm okay, I promise."

"You said you'd only keep this up for two weeks. It's been over two now."

"Twenty-four days, to be exact."

"Holy shit, it's been over three weeks?"

"I know. This has all been an accident."

"You've been sober for almost a month?!"

"Accidentally sober."

"How did this happen?"

"I don't know. It just started and then it wouldn't stop."

"We need to get you drunk."

"I know. I just don't know if I can quit."

"You're not the same person anymore."


"This has gotten out of control."

"You're right. I'm out of control."

"You're definitely out of control."

"Way out of control."

"I'm surprised you even went two DAYS."

"Come on, I wasn't that bad."

"You were getting wasted every night."

"Well, when you put it like that..."

"You were peeing on yourself every week."


"You remember? I thought you were black-out when that happened."

"Well...not the peeing part. Just the waking up in pee part."

"You were raiding our fridge in the middle of the night and eating all our food in the bathtub."

"I was never in the bathtub."

"Then why did I find a bunch of empty to-go boxes under my sink?"

"I was in the bathroom."

"That's disgusting."

"Which is why I'm not drinking."

"For how long?"

"I don't know. I kinda wanna make it to a month now."


"I don't know if that's a good idea..."


Why That's Not a Good Idea
Things I Tend to Do When I Black Out

- yell inappropriate things around children

Example: I went to a baseball game after I had consumed a giant bottle of wine. You know, the kind of bottle that is meant to be shared among five or more people. I remember getting to the game, losing the friends I had arrived there with, and wandering the stands for thirty minutes complaining to every passerby that "I did not come alone," "I don't even like baseball," and "my friends are assholes." After I found them, seated comfortably in their seats with no apparent awareness that I had been missing for days (to which they responded, "It hasn't been days"), I started buying beer. This is the last thing I remember, but that doesn't mean this is the last thing that occurred.

"I'm never going to a baseball game with you again."

"YOU GUYS are the one who walked off and LEFT ME."

"That didn't mean you had to start shouting at all of the baseball players who went up to bat."

"What? I wasn't shouting at anyone."

"I knew it! You blacked out, didn't you?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"You were yelling crude things. While we were sitting behind a family of four."

"Good math there."

"Do you not remember anything you said?"

"...what'd I say?"

"The most specific one I remember is..."Fuck my cunt with your baseball bat." "



"I did NOT say that."

"You didn't say it."

"I knew it!"

"You screamed it."

"There's no way I said that. I've never even thought such a thing."

"Well you thought it last night. And then you let everyone know about it."

"But they didn't hear me, right?"

"We were sitting right behind home plate."

"What? No! We were up in the stands in the General Admission section!"

"We were, but then we moved to the nicer seats since no one was sitting in them. Except a family. With children."

"I don't even use the word "cunt." "

"Well last night you used a lot of words I've never heard you say."

"Just for the record, I don't want any baseball bats near my genital area. One word: splinters."

- jump in front of moving vehicles

Example: My friends and I were walking back to our cars from downtown. There was some event that night, so one parking lot we passed through was full of lines of cars driving to exit. I remember the cars, and I remember that the moving cars had people in them.

"How'd you get so drunk last night, Natasha?"

"What? Could you tell I was drunk?"

"Yes! You were being hilarious!"

"Oh, well that's refreshing. Usually when I get black out, I get bitched at."

"Well, some people were annoyed, but you were cracking me up."

"What was I doing?"

"You were jumping in front of every moving car and when they'd get mad and honk at you, you'd yell, "It's okay! I'M INVINCIBLE!" "

"God fuck."

"It was funny, though. You even started doing little dance moves in front of the cars."

"Great. Awesome. Wonderful."

- reveal incredibly personal information

Example: I was hanging out with a bunch of my friends at their apartment. I remember opening a handle of liquor. I remember there was nothing to chase it with.

"Guys, I completely blacked out last night."

"You don't remember anything?"

"Well I remember when you guys got the guitar out and everyone was singing and making up songs as we went..."

"Woah...we were awake for hours after that happened."

"Wait, was I awake, too?"

"OH yeah."

"Oh no."

"Don't worry, you were extremely entertaining."

"Oh no."

"No, really. Everything you said was either really, really mean or really, really witty. You weren't talking much, either, but every time you opened your mouth, it was a gem."

"Damn! I wish I could remember!"

"Oh you remember that one thing you said?"



"Oh no."

"We were all singing some song we were improvising about the devil, and at one point we were all chanting "SIX SIX SIX! SIX SIX SIX!" and then we finished, and everything got quiet, and you whispered, "I started masturbating when I was six." "


"It's okay! We all just busted out laughing!"

"So when are you going to start drinking again?"

"Um I don't know, NEVER."

"You should blackout with us at least once this week."

"That is definitely not a good idea."

"It would give you something to write about."

"Well, when you put it like that..."

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Honey, I Ate the Kids

My family came into town this weekend to visit my sister and I for a couple of days. This includes: me, my dad, my 20-year-old sister, my 9-year-old sister, and my 6-year-old brother.

This Is How Car Rides Go

brother: Natasha always poots. That's the only thing I've written in my diary.

adult sister: You have a diary? That's really cool!

kid sister: No it's nooooooot, diaries are for girls only.

brother: No they're NOT. They're for important stuff. Like how Natasha always poots.

me: Alright, enough. You're lying. One, I never poot. Two, you did not write that in your diary.

kid sister: Everyone poops, DUH.

me: Poots, not poops.

brother: Natasha poots and poops.

me: This is just a really unnecessary conversation.

brother: I wrote it in my diary.

kid sister: Do you really have a diary?


me: you do or you don't...


dad: Natasha, leave your brother alone.

me: He started it!

dad: He's six.

kid sister; EVERYBODY, HOLD ON. I have an important announcement to make!

me: What's that?

kid sister: Actually, it's more of a question, not an announcement.

me: Okay, what is it?

kid sister: Well, it's kind of an announcement because I'll be announcing the question, so ---


kid sister: Is it illegal to punch someone?

me: Yes.

brother: Yeah but you can kick them in the penis to make them throw up.

me: Uhhhh...

kid sister: IT'S TRUE, NATASHA. Everyone says so. You have to kick someone in the penis.

brother: Then their face turns green and they puke everywhere, like this, BLEHHHHH AYYYYY OOOOOOOOOO EEEEEEEE ---"

kid sister: Stop it, that's annoying. And that's not how people throw up.

brother: Yes it is.

kid sister: No it's not.

brother: Yes it is.

baby sister: No it's not.


dad: Guys! Stop yelling, please. Anybody need anything from the store?

brother: CANDY!

kid sister: CHOCOLATE MILK!

me: CANDY!

adult sister: Are you a kid now, too, Natasha?

me: He asked if anyone needed anything, not just the kids.

adult sister: You need candy?

me: Yes. I do. I need it to survive. I WILL DIE WITHOUT SOUR PATCH KIDS.

kid sister: Daddy! Natasha said she's going to die!

dad: Don't worry, no one is going to die.

me: Except 9-year-olds...WHO I WILL EAT!

kid sister: DADDY, HELP! Natasha said she's going to eat me!

brother: Eat me, too! Eat me, too!


brother: YAY!

kid sister: Why are you cheering? That makes no sense. She just said she's going to eat us. That's a bad thing, duh.

brother: I'LL EAT YOU, TOO!

kid sister! Daddy! Now everyone is trying to eat me!


dad: Guys, no running in the store, please.

adult sister: Natasha's the only one running around.

dad: Natasha, set an example for your siblings.


kid sister: Wait, wait! Time-out!

me: Okay, what's up?

kid sister: What was that guy's name?

me: Who?

kid sister: That guy you were talking about in the car.

me: ...what guy?

kid sister: The guy you were whispering about to Katrina.

me: Huh?

baby sister: You know.

me: I actually...don't...

baby sister: The guy you said was really nice and he always talks to you and he works here and you think he's cute but you said he was kinda shy and awkward but you said you liked that and then OH YEAH! I remember his name now! BOB! BOB! HEY BOB!

me: STOP IT! (I grab my sister and pull her into a deserted aisle, clasping my hand over her mouth. I give her a second before I let go.) (Oh yeah, and I changed the name being used to protect my privacy.)

baby sister: Are you kidnapping me, Natasha?

me: No, I am not kidnapping you.

baby sister: Okay, good. BOB! OHHHH BOBBBBBBBBB!

me: STOP IT!

baby sister: Why? Don't you want to get his attention?

me: No.

baby sister: Why not?

me: Because that's not my job.

baby sister: Who's job is it?

me: No one's. I prefer to like from afar.

baby sister: What's THAT supposed to mean?

me: It means I am living out my fantasy without ever making it reality.

kid sister: Why?

me: Because it's a lot more fun to play pretend. Then I can control EVERYTHING!

kid sister: I don't understand you. You're weird.

me: YOU'RE the one screaming people's names.

kid sister: YOU'RE the one who won't even talk to guys.

me: Since when are you the love guru?

kid sister: What's a guru?

me: Like a Mr. Miyagi.

kid sister: Who's Mr. Miyagi?

me: Like Jesus. Like me, basically.


me: He knows I am. Dad, tell her I'm Jesus.

dad: You are not Jesus.

kid sister: See? You're a liar!

me: He's just protecting you from the truth.

brother: Hey, you're just kidding, right? You're just kidding!

me: I am not kidding.

brother: But really you are kidding, right? Really you're kidding?

kid sister: Don't listen to anything she says. She's CRAZY.

me: At least I'm not a giant nerd like your other big sister.

kid sister: Katrina! Natasha called you a giant nerd!

me: She knows she's a nerd. All math majors are nerds.

adult sister: Then what do you call English majors?

me: We are the starving artists. The creative folk. The entrepreneurs.

adult sister: Entrepreneurs?

me: Uh YEAH. Remember The Cool Girls Coloring Book? I made like 12 cents off that baby and I was six years old.

kid sister: Why are you bringing stuff up from centuries ago?

adult sister: Because that was the highlight of Natasha's life. 1996. The Cool Girls Coloring Book. Her greatest achievement.

me: Um RUDE. There was also The Road-Tripper Sipper.

kid sister: What's The Road-Tripper Sipper?

me: Nothing, nevermind.

kid sister: Fine then. BOB! HEY BOB!

brother: BOB! BOB!

me: I'll be waiting in the car.