Monday, May 31, 2010

Dial M For Mother

Today, I am going to write about my mother.

Now, whether or not you realize what a joyous! and happy! and yayicecream! occasion this is about to be does not matter to me, since I don't even know who you are or where you are, but I'll tell you now that I'm Natasha Ferrier and I'm in my living room. It may be creepy that you know this, which means it is extra creepy that I am the one telling you and therefore I am only creeping out myself, which means I'm really the one to blame, which means that if Jack the Ripper Junior shows up in my living room and makes my intestines into a yo-yo string, I will be remembered as a caring girl who always offered advice to people and who had very stretchy intestines. But that is not really what I want. What I want is for you to shut up and listen. Because I am about to write about my mother.

I cannot tell you everything, because 1) it would not be funny, 2) it would take 19 years, and 3) the last time I wrote about my mother, she threatened to sue me. And so I deleted the post. But today I found out that suing me is not even possible, since 1) I can write about whoever the fuck I want, 2) I'm not using her name, and 3) I'm broke as shit.

Once upon a time, on a sunny afternoon in May, there lived a little princess named Natasha. She was an innocent lass who was oh-so-happy, even though she was a bit jealous of the other princesses. She had never had a sevensome like Snow White, the only whore accepted by society. She lacked the mega-cleavage of Ariel, who was only a wimpy 16 years old. And she had never owned a pair of parachute pants, which Jasmine seemed to have an unlimited supply of. But Natasha had other qualities she was proud of. She would sing to the lambs when they were sad about becoming McNuggets when they grew up, and she who would give magical handjobs to all of the goats of the land when they couldn't find a mate, making all of the animals in the forest simply adore her. But one day, Natasha was sick of pleasuring goats. She wanted to talk to The Queen of the land, who she had not talked to in quite some time. She called, but again,even after 5 months of not talking and a year since she had seen her, there was no answer. So on this very sunny afternoon in May, little Princess Natasha decided to leave an enchanted voicemail on the cell phone of The Queen, hoping to put a spell on her so she would call back this time. The spell worked, but as it turned out, the spell...was actually...a curse.


You heard me. A CURSE.

(Cue the Twilight Zone theme.)

This curse was unlike any other, for instead of being put on someone else, little Princess Natasha had put it on herself.

"Hello Natasha."

"Hey Mom..."

"What is it."

"How are you?"

"Quit the nonsense."

"What nonsense?"

"Fine, Natasha, if you want to start a fight, I'm hanging up. I don't have time for this."

"You don't have time to talk to me?"

"Natasha, what do you want."

"To talk..."

"No. You can't call me and leave an emotional voicemail and then not tell me what is going on tell me what is going on or I am hanging up."

"Well, I just wanted to talk. You're my mom...I'm your daughter...I don't even know what's going on in your life..."

"I don't have time for this Natasha. I paid for your school books in the spring."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I paid for your school books."

"What about it?"

"Fine, Natasha, I can see you just called to fight with me."

"I'm trying to just have a conversation with you."

"I don't have time for this."

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is when the curse kicked in, for little princess Natasha suddenly had a bad case of Tourette's.





And that is when The Queen hung up on her.

The End!

Okay, okay, so I get that maybe I should not have called my mother a bitch. If I had really, truly wanted her to stay on the phone, I probably should not have screamed "fuck you," since I did, in fact, have a lot more to say. There was, "go fuck yourself," "I hope a dog pisses on your favorite pair of shoes," and "By the way I have six children now and they want to meet Grandmother Bitch if you have the time." These are logical points, except for the six children bit, which is just a lie. Maybe I should not think such mean things. But maybe she should not have randomly thrown away every toy I owned when I was eight years old. I NEED THOSE TOYS. I LIKE TOYS. I PLAY WITH TOYS TO THIS DAY BECAUSE MY INNER CHILD IS MORE OF AN OUTER CHILD AND I WILL NEVER GROW UP. The mere fact that I do not think, but know that Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future is my soulmate proves that I have much maturing to do. Not that he's not. Because he is. Because if he wasn't, I wouldn't feel the urge to say this: Mikey Poo...I love you...

Ahem. Moving on.

Michael...seriously. Do me.

Ahem. I apologize. Back to the topic.

You may be thinking I am a spoiled brat who disrespects my parents and should get my ass spanked. Well, you're wrong. (All except for the spanking bit. I'd be okay with that. That and wearing diapers. I hear they're quite cushy...before they get mushy.) Before you start bein' a Judgey McFucker, you need to know one thing: there is a lot you don't know. And I'm not talking about the fact that I do not own one pair of socks.

Now that it has hit me that my mother probably won't speak to me for a couple more years, I've been devising ways to get her to call me back, because I am a devious mother fucker I am. All of these methods would be in voicemails. Every day, I will leave a different voicemail. Here is what I have come up with so far:

Voicemail #1

"Mom, I've been kidnapped. Please call back."

Voicemail #2

"Mom, a man just doused me with gasoline and is holding a match above my vagina. Please call back."

Voicemail #3

"Mom, I'm in jail for killing all the Kroger employees. Please call back."

Voicemail #4

"WAHHH! WAHHHH! Sorry Mom, that was my baby. Anyway, please call back."

Voicemail #5

"Mom, I stuck a pencil in my eyeball and it's still there. Please call back."

Voicemail #6

"Mom, I don't know where I am but I know I have a blindfold over my eyes. Please call back."

Voicemail #7

"Gurgle! MOM! Gurgle! Gurgle! HELP! Gurgle! Gurgle! PLEASE CALL BACK!"

Voicemail #8

"Ay bitch I have yo daughtuh and I'm gonna kill her. Please call back."

They're all pretty much the same, as you can see. As long as it has to do with me in danger, dying, or fucking up my life in one way or the other, it'll work. I will also be accepting any ideas from others, since I'm going to need about 730 different voicemails if I plan to leave one every day for 2 years.

Or, I could always go with the threat approach.

"Mom, if you don't call me back, I'm going to keep leaving voicemails for the next seven hundred and twenty nine days. Please call back."

"Mom, if you don't call me back, I'm going to blog about you."


(But for you, Michael, I'll leave you a voicemail anytime, baby.)

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Summer Time, Where the Living Sucks Ass

I haven't written in forever, so I'm going to be a little rusty. The usual brilliant, superior, cocky comedic genius you all have grown used to is now back to being a mere fetus, and I do NOT. Look good. As a fetus. (You may be wondering, 'Who does look good as a fetus?', but trust me, I've seen some sexy fetuses out there. So sexy. You have no idea. If they weren't minors and I a wise, old, 19 year-old, I'd be holla-in at dem fetuses and tappin dem undeveloped asses. So squishy at that age. So mushy. So perfect.) Speaking of fetuses, it's summer time.

(See? I'm rusty. I can't even make a smooth transition from one paragraph to the next. Fetuses and summer time have absolutely no relation to one another. I know this. And now so do you. In case you thought maybe they did. Because they don't. You moron.)

Summer! A time for joy! Freedom! Sunshine! Smiles! Raging hormones! Body odor! Sweat! Sweat in clothes! Sweat in beads! Sweat on arms! Sweat on face! Sweat on balls! Would you sweat in a box? Would you sweat with a fox? Yes I would, Sam I Am, because it's 110 fucking degrees outside, asshole. But for me, summer has also meant some other things.

What Summer Has Brought Me Thus Far

1. I now have a job.

YAY! JOB! NATASHA IS FINALLY EMPLOYED SINCE SHE SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT 4 YEARS AGO LIKE EVERYONE ELSE HER AGE! Fuck you. I was busy then. I'm not busy now. Well, now I am, since I have a job, but I wasn't before. And I am now. Washing dishes. Sweeping floors. Cleaning tables. Wiping mirrors. Washing windows. Scrubbing toilets. I thought the term was busboy, not busgirl, and I didn't sign on for this shit, anyway. (I mean that in the figurative and literal manner. Little kids. Don't. Aim.) Today a pipe busted while I was washing dishes and of course I wouldn't notice the 2 feet of foam around my own damn legs until my boss came and pointed it out in a high-pitched voice. I thought of making up the fact that I go temporarily blind every 30 minutes, but I thought that was taking it too far. I thought of saying my legs had been numb since birth. That's why I didn't feel the bubbles. I came to the conclusion that that was stupid. So I said I was getting ready to take a bubble bath. He did not laugh. He handed me a mop. I laughed. Because I had never mopped before. I decided not to tell him this. Or take the bubble bath.

2. I now pay for my own gas.

I understand that I SHOULD be paying for my own gas, but it still sucks. The other day I went to the gas station with eight dollars that just happened to be in dimes and nickels and pennies kind of a lot of pennies so the fuck what. They told me they could only accept 5 dollars worth of change. WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE DO THEY NOT REALIZE THEY WOULD MAKE THREE MORE DOLLARS IF THEY WEREN'T SUCH COINISTS. (like racists. but against coins. a rare breed.) So I gave them the 5 bucks. Pumped away. Drove to my pump's neighbor pump, then went in and asked for 3 dollars of gas. (I put on glasses the second time hoping they wouldn't recognize me. First, I was Superman. Then, I was Clark Kent. But apparently that only works in the comic books. Assholes.) My daydreams have now transformed from ones of riding on a gondola in Venice, living in a world of vampires and werewolves where everyone dresses in leather and looks fucking sexy (this particular one is Underworld-inspired, NOT Twilight-inspired, thank you very much.), and extreme dance-offs where I kick everyone's ass with my secret move "The Natasha Kicking Everyone's Ass Move" - to ones of filling up my gas tank until it is full, and then celebrating by gazing at my fuel gage and talking to it...

"Oh, fuel gage,
How sorry I am,
to only give you minimum wage,
my fuel gage, my fuel gage...

Dear fuel gage,
Please don't be in a rage,
I have freed you from your cage,
my fuel gage, my fuel gage...

Sexy fuel gage,
Now you shall never age,
at least not for a few days,
cause I just put in 40 bucks,
And now let us fuck."

Then I would stroke it. Lick it. Flick my tongue at it. Other things I shall remain kept to myself. And stare at it for 2 hours before deciding to drive everywhere I can and waste it all that day. Because that's just something I would do. Which is exactly why a full gas tank is a fantasy and not a reality.

3. I now shave my legs.

And it sucks. Legs are what? HALF of the body? That's like if I shaved my entire upper body: arms, neck, chest, and belly-button, which I wouldn't even know how to go about doing. Who decided that legs should be shaved out of all the body parts? How about elbows, instead? That would be easy. Quick. Hassle-free. If you cut yourself, you wouldn't even feel it. Since elbows are inexplicably numb whereas the area under the knee is DEFINITELY NOT. And on top of all that, no one would notice if you had FORGOTTEN to shave your elbows since there is no hair on them to begin with! It's perfect, if you ask me.

4. I now have decided to write again.

It's been too long. I guess writer's block is a real thing and not just some excuse that shitty writers use for never getting their "life's work" published. If it really was your life's work, you'd be dead by the time it got put on the shelves, anyway so what the hell is the point of that especially since all the profits would go to your pretentious grandchildren anyway who would then get all of their shitty shit published because they'd have your millions to bribe the publishing companies I AM NOT RANTING. I'm just explaining without using any type of punctuation whatsoever. Who needs to pause anyway? It's a complete waste of time, if you ask me. You might as well get all of your thoughts out while you can. Pausing only leaves room for other people to talk. Who the hell wants that? Well, other than right now, that is. Since this post is over.