Monday, December 9, 2013

AA for Pre-K

Weekly Recap: I Started to Google "Who is on - " and the first thing that popped up was " - the dime." Weird thing is, that's exactly what I was going to type. Poor Roosevelt. First polio, then a premeditated google search. 

Random Thing #1

Recently, I got a notice from my property managers informing me of a "rental unit inspection" in 2 days. My apartment is full of troll dolls, Pez dispensers, Muppet masks, Gremlins action figures, and beer.

...they're going to think I'm running an AA program for Pre-K.

(However, this is a different kind of AA. This is not Alcoholics Anonymous; this is Anonymous Alcoholics - which means we still drink. But we do it...anonymously.)

Random Thing #2

Pulling together a last-minute costume is difficult when your wardrobe is 100% black. My only options are "me" and "the shadow of me."

Or I could try and pull off The Goth Lebowski?

Random Thing #3

The Previously Mentioned Costume Party

stranger: Oh my god, you're Jack the Ripper!

...did I mention I was not in costume?

Random Thing #3

Recent Conversation with the Gas Station Cashier

me: Can I get two dollars on pump one?

cashier: Two dollars? HAHA!

me: Um, yes.

cashier: You broke, yes? You very broke! HAHA!

me: Yes. I am broke. Um. Here you go. It's all in...dimes.

cashier: HAHA so, so broke!

...I guess two dollars just doesn't make it rain like it used to.

Random Thing #4

Every time I hear, "sleeping in Versace shirts," I picture R. Kelly, trapped in Versace's closet, stealing his pajamas.

Random Thing #5

BREAKING NEWS: Naked Nicolas Cage pics have been discovered and released.

...this gives a whole new meaning to "Raising Arizona."

Random Thing #6

When Drunken Phone Conversations Remind You What a Drunken Phone Conversation Sounds Like

Me: I got a Planet Terror poster!

Friend: You got a Planned Parenthood poster?

Me: What? No. That's not what I said.

Well, folks! This has been your weekly recap, reminding you that anyone can be mistaken for a serial killer, Planned Parenthood is now selling wall art, and dimes don't count as money!

Friday, December 6, 2013

How to Study...Like a Boss

Oh, why hello! I didn't see you there. My name is Natasha Ferrier, but you probably know me as "That Girl Is Still in College?" Since I have been a university student for longer than I should have, I know plenty of ways to have a successful college career. Some 4-year-graduates may try and pass some advice onto you as Finals Time approaches, but it is in your best interest to not listen to them. What do they know? They've only been college students for four measly years, unlike me, who has enough experience to guide any fellow peer to a rolled up piece of paper. Imagine it now: you're in a polyester bath robe, a pointy square hat that seems to be sitting atop a swim cap, and you match everyone around you, making you all look like a cute, little satanic cult that worships bare paper towel rolls with bows on them. I have dreamed of this day just as you have, and that is why I am here to help you. Just follow these ten study tips, and graduation will be here eventually!

Tip 1

Call yourself "a boss." It's finals week, you're under a lot of stress, and you don't think you can balance all the exams. The truth is - you can't. But a boss can. And what are you? You're a BOSS.

Tip 2

Whenever you need a break from studying, don't just get up from your computer and sigh with exhaustion. This kind of exit strategy gives power to that white, untouched word document, the one looking back at you like an albino virgin saying, "You can't touch me. I'm blank and I'm bad." So when you take your little study break, leave with a bang. One of my favorite time-out phrases is to say my last name, and then say "out." Try it. Your albino virgin may say, "But you were never in," so you say it again. "Last name OUT!" This will trick it. Make it weak. Vulnerable. Ready to have your hands on it.

Tip 3

Cover your desk with all the study materials you need. Having them surrounding you all at once will make you feel prepared. Everyone's study materials vary depending on their courses. As an example, my specific class schedule requires me to have the following:

1. A 6-pack of beer
2. A Red Bull big enough to knock out Andre the Giant
3. An ashtray
4. Enough candy to outlast both the beer and Red Bull
5. Books (optional)

Tip 4

At some point during the study session, get completely off track and do something that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. You may want to hula hoop while singing Chumbawumba lyrics, do the macarena while naked, or prank call your dog until you remember your dog doesn't own a cell phone. Whatever it may be, just don't put too much thought into it. The whole point is to put a halt on all brain activity.

I, for instance, put on this plastic mask, tied my hair in a bun, and then pretended to be a mute Mr. Miyagi for twenty seconds. No thought involved at all. Just raw, inbred instincts.

Tip 5

After repeating Tip One for hours ("I'm a Boss, I'm a Boss"), the mantra may lose some of its magic. This is when you must resort to a new tactic to convince yourself that you care about your education. Plant a decoy, something that appears to be interfering with your studies. This will cause you to challenge the decoy, because not only are you a boss - you're also a fighter. Standing up for your right to study will cause you to care more about this wonderful opportunity to skim paragraphs. Stop taking half-assed reading for granted and go sack that decoy!

"That's MY Red Bull, miniature Dracula figurine! I don't care if Bull is the new Blood, that's MY Bull and I need it to study! You can't stop me, Count! I'm gonna study and you're going right back to where you were! On the table beside the can! Cause I'm a studier!"

Tip 6

Your back is probably in pain from slouching over textbooks all night, trying to read the fine print. Get someone to massage your shoulders. You deserve a good back massage.

Tip 7

If you are able to find someone to give you a back massage, stop being selfish and send them my way. You have studying to do.

Tip 8

Be sure and let everyone know you are studying. There are many ways to do this, including updating your facebook status, instagram, e-mail, long-lost pen pals, phone calls to Papa John's, and an array of hashtags that could easily accompany your tweets, such as #study, #studytime, #timetostudy, #imstudying, #hashtagstudy, and the always reliable #funny#cute#stupid#me#lol.

Tip 9

Do you have any friends you haven't talked to in awhile? Text 'em!

Tip 10

Go to the bathroom as much as you can. These frequent breaks will relieve the tension finals are causing you. Don't hold it in. As famous author Amanda Mayer Stinchecum once said, "Everybody poops." Take these words to heart. Then take them to the toilet.

Ferrier OUT! a boss.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The 7 Habits of Highly Defective College Students

When I was in high school, I was given Sean Covey's 1998 book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens. I read the book, which, at 15 years old, meant I opened the cover, folded it back, and closed it. Covey doesn't include this as one of his effective habits, but he should have, because any teen feels quite accomplished after turning 300 pages into 1. 

Without even reading the book, I know that Covey's list includes 7 habits. (Impressive, huh? The good ol' Title-Reading trick! - Works every time.) Well actually, there are 8, because he snuck an unnumbered one in at the end. That's right, Seany-Boy, we're onto you. Thought if you just didn't number it, we wouldn't notice, did ya? Thought young adults couldn't count that high, did ya? Well you ain't foolin' NOBODY. Got some prejudice toward 8, do ya? Got some weird fetish for the number 7, do ya? Got ----

...okay. I'm going to stop bullying the retired author now. I'll also stop speaking like someone who'd own a tommy gun.

My question is: why write a book for teenagers? They don't count. How about we write a useful manual for the highest class of our progressing society? No no, not the racial stereotype that just popped into your mind. I'm students. Yeah, I'm really onto something here, just like that time I came up with socks for the head. (If "hats" hadn't been invented centuries ago, I would have really made bank with my Hocks.)

Below, I have listed each of Covey's habits of effective teens, followed by my own rendition of the habits of defective EFFECTIVE college students.

Habit 1 - Be Proactive
I Am the Force

College Kids
Stay inactive
The Snooze Button is the Force

Habit 2 - Begin with the End in Mind
Control Your Own Destiny or Someone Else Will

College Kids
Begin with a Laundromat in Mind
Wash Your Own Clothes or No One Else Will

Habit 3 - Put First Things First
Will and Won't Power

College Kids
Put First Things Last
Will and Will Do Eventually Power

Habit 4 - Think Win-Win
Life Is an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

College Kids
Think Taco-Bell
Life Is a Dollar-Menu-Luxury

Habit 5 - Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
You have two ears and one mouth...Hel-lo!

College Kids
Seek First to Drink, Then to Be Understood By Absolutely No One
You have ten shots and one mouth...Hssssllllloooowhaaaa???

Habit 6 - Synergize
The "High" Way

College Kids
The "High" Way

Habit 7 - Sharpen the Saw
It's "Me Time"

College Kids
Dull the Inhibitions

It's "Do Me Time"

Keep hope alive!
Kid, You'll Move Mountains

College Kids
Keep yourself alive!
Kid, a Metaphorical Mountain Isn't Gonna Help You Anymore

Monday, November 25, 2013

Wigs For the Chin

Studying with the Schizos
Like Dancing with the Stars - but for college students.

It was the night before my first final, and I had started to study. This would be a productive beginning if we were going by Webster's meaning of the word, who defines studying as "the pursuit of knowledge, as by reading, observation, or research." Well that's adorable, Webby. We're all very proud of you. I, however, study like this:

"I have to brew some coffee first."
"Let me just take a shower real quick."
"I haven't checked Facebook in a good five minutes..."
"Snapchat study time!
"Twitter #studytime!"
"My foot is asleep. I need to take a break to wiggle my toes."
"Who knew how satisfying it could be to stare at a wall?"
"I should stare at the ceiling, too!"
"Wall, ceiling. Wall, ceiling. Wiggle toes. Wall ceiling."
"#wall #toes #studytime!"

Just kidding. I don't actually have snapchat.

What I had ahead of me was a speech to memorize from any play of William Shakespeare, and a paper to write on how I memorized that speech and what I learned from the process. After much mulling, I finally decided on a sequence of lines spoken by Macbeth's Witches as they are in the midst of casting a spell. In case you're not familiar with the play, these witches have beards.

I mention this because my initial reasoning behind choosing to memorize a passage spoken by The Three Witches was simply because I had planned to wear a beard as I recited it to my class. After twenty-three years of attempting to grow my own, my constant failure to do so has left a void in both my heart and on my face. One might assume this inability to reproduce an abundance of clustered chin hairs has something to do with me being a woman, but I beg to differ. The lone, black hair that sporadically sprouts on the lower right side of my face poses no threat to the multitudes of bearded women frequenting Wal-Mart. Some may see such an individual as just another woman seated in an electric buggy, but I see her as a reincarnation of one of Shakespeare's most intriguing characters. Were William alive today, I believe he would see great potential in these aisle-blockers.

After it struck me that I do not own any clip-on beards, I decided to study the same passage, anyway. I had been studying the whole time, though. Not searching my apartment for clip-on beards. Not texting anyone to see if they had a clip-on beard they could lend me. Not googling nearby wig shops to see if they sold wigs for the chin. I was studying. Just studying.
But then this troll got in the way.

And then my camera fell into my hands, and my finger collapsed onto the button, and this picture was taken.

But I was studying. I was not posing children's 80s toys with tobacco products and firearms. I was studying.

I started writing down the lines I had to memorize to refrain from arming more dolls with things that cause cancer. It has always been my tactic in committing words to memory to write them on top of one another, creating overlapping lines of sentences to embed it into my brain without cheating and being able to read it. It looks like this:

You could either call this "modern art" or "early signs of schizophrenia." 

After writing it over and over until my hand turned into a shriveled nub (which I nicknamed "Prune Pinkies"), I tried repeating it out loud. I immediately ran into problems I wasn't expecting. Perhaps it was the fatigue, but for some reason I kept saying the wrong words.

The Three Witches: Cool it with a baboon's blood!
Me: Cool it with a baboon's butt!

The Three Witches: Those will make the younker madder!
Me: Those will make the younker's bladder!

The Three Witches: Liard, Robin, you must bob in.
Me: Robin, Robin, you must robin.

The Three Witches: Titty, Tiffin, keep it stiff in!
Me: Titty keep whaaaaaaa?

...this went on for hours. Until, of course, I had no hours left to spare, and it was time for me to get to class and recite these Witches' lines in the creepy-British-old-lady accent that I had been practicing all night. When I began, my classmates laughed at the accent as I hoped they would, but honestly - they laughed more when I said, "Titty."


Friday, November 15, 2013

I, Natashabot

While scrolling through facebook, I noticed a few posts about some generator that, with the click of a button, creates a status update that is something you would say based on words it pulls from your previous statuses. The posts are then signed by your "robotic self." Out of curiosity, I clicked on this to see what statuses this "Natashabot" came up with. This is what I discovered:

Natashabot likes romance.

I've added Pez dispensers to have a romantic night, baby.

A cold shower includes deepened breathing, blood circulation, and you.

I sucked Ronald McDonald's McDick.

Natashabot is a terrorist.

I have a Gun!

A bomb threat makes me feel better. 

I need to enslave about it.

Natashabot is already naked.

I'm already naked, but then I spelled Cher's name correctly.

I'm already naked, but then I got an autographed pair.

I'm already naked, but not when jizzing occurs strictly in pajama pants, and pajama pants. 

I'm already naked, but believe me, miss, are you?

I'm already naked, but believe me, beer and ramen noodles. That's right, bitches. WE DID.

Natashabot gives advice.

Never look at Waffle House. Share the Vagina Snatchers.

Let 'em be tossed. LEGALIZE DWARF-TOSSING.

Natashabot needs advice.

What's with my job applications? Under Physical Requirements, I request a demon-possessed plastic baby.

I could make a choice between two women in Chicago.

So far I've got an experiment. The more people fucking and running if your signature is legible?

May I request a choice of a Nicolas Cage thong or you?

I've been trying to make a choice between a den and FUCK and twenty-three cents.

Natashabot proves you can read.

You read. We're two bouncers.

You read. We're meant to be playing bumper carts.

You read. We're in the bachelor life!

You read. My vagina.

Natashabot is pro-urine.

Your ideal candidate for my pee rights.

You make me in the bathroom.

So far I've peed in Heaven.

Maybe next time I'll wet freshman.

And anti-pants.

Beware of PANTS.

Natashabot asks questions.

What's a light and happy chinaman?

Natashabot is fond of children.

Ooh I shouldn't think young girls could be good.

Give it one week of virgins.

Little girls um hewwo we are Anonymous Alcoholics.

I already had 90-year-olds, but then I decided to be saved.

Natashabot likes math.

There are 13 flavors of honeysuckles.

You are 13 flavors of judgment.

Natasha + wet hair = a part of hell.

Profanity > time to the beard.

Natashabot predicts the future.

The fanny pack at next year's Thanksgiving.

Screw frats is next year's resolution.

Googly-eyed vagina is next year's Halloween.

Hanging out with my Chlamydia will bring us both to the Belcourt Theater.

Natashabot gets sad sometimes.

I've been deemed the Garbage Dump.

I'll have no blood. I'd just love to be taller than you.

All life is an experiment. More bird shit on this.

Natashabot runs a brothel.

Especially with the women to buy you.

I request a unique installment of people fucking Nestle products.

I had a Miss Piggy. But lung cancer.

Three giant parking cones in my sister.

Natashabot already has.

I already had a dream I was impersonating a banana.

I already went strolling with his chicken.

I already saw a goat in a wheelchair wheeling over to graduate from college.

Natashabot loses her mind.

A terrible, horrible, no I anticipated some pasta, Whitey. Hi ho hi ho or hello is fuzzy! No one tell me.

...thanks a lot, Natashabot. It's so comforting to know this is what I sound like.