Tuesday, August 26, 2008

She's An Insomniac, Insomniac!

It's 3 in the morning and I'm making coffee. At 3:30 I will be drinking that coffee. After a year of denial I have decided to just embrace it. Embrace...the insomnia.

Hey, I'm not whining. I've seen Fight Club. It's the first scene and I have to hear some grown man whine about his sleeping problems. That's not me. I'm not Edward Norton. (I had to break it to you sooner or later.) So what does the average person do to put themselves to sleep? You name it, I've tried it.

Man I wish I could sleep. Maybe if I turn on my side...nope. Maybe if I lay on my back for an hour...nope. Maybe if I turn on my side for one hour, then my back for another hour, then back to the side...nope. Maybe if I curl into the fetal position...maybe if I silently hum the word 'fetal' aloud to myself. Fetalfetalfetal...nope.

Counting sheep? Please. I've tried counting, whether it be sheeps...cows...Brad Pitts...the problem is I can't control my mind after I reach eleven. All of a sudden one sheep will trip and fall, then the next one won't know and so they'll keep running and they'll hit the sheep lying there on the ground, then the next sheep does the same thing and there's a pile of bloody sheep, then Brad Pitt #99 appears and starts taking off his clothes. Then I appear and...it just doesn't put me to sleep.

Hot bath before bed? Relaxing, but my own smell keeps me up. Creepy visual, I know. Me smelling myself in the dark. Mmmmm...mandarin vanilla brown sugar raspberry mint...mmmmm...go ahead, imagine. Or go take a hot bath so you yourself can do the same. (Note: Mandarin Vanilla Brown Sugar Raspeberry Mint NOT an actual scent. But in due time I'm sure it and a lufa (each sold separately) will be available at your local Bath and Body Works.)

Hot milk before bed? Here's what I do: pour skim milk into a mug until it reaches the brim. Add 5 packets of Splenda. Stick in the microwave for 30 to 45 seconds. It doesn't put me to sleep but it sure is delicious.

Hot Pocket before bed? Not a real remedy. But still delicious.

Unfortunately they don't have a NiQuilholics Anonymous. So I had to quit that idea early.

They don't have a Benedryllholics Anonymous either.

Or a TylenolPMaholics.

Probably because the lack of alliteration. I bet that's the only reason. You can't make, "I'm going to TPMA" sound cool.

My mother used to tell me to imagine floating on a cloud. Of course that entailed me to believe there must be others floating on clouds as well.

"Hey there!"

"Natasha, is that you?"

"Yes Harold, it's me, alright!"

"Well by golly, what are YOU doing in these here parts?"

"It all pretty much looked the same to me! I just kept on a'floatin!"

"Well you git on back to yer bed now, ya'hear?"

Of course if I was floating on a cloud it must mean that I would have a country accent. Of course. See THIS may be why I cant sleep. As The Temptations once doo-wopped, "It was just my imagination...running away with me..." THAT'S my problem.

It's 3:30 and I've got my mug hot and ready to go. I could try going back to bed. But it's a lost cause. The coffee's ready. I'm up. The sun isn't quite up yet but it will be sooner or later. I may not be Edward Norton, but I'm Natasha Ferrier. And Natasha Ferrier doesn't wait for the sun to wake her up. She wakes the sun up. Now get back to bed.


Carol Saha said...

First, my grandma used to get up in the middle of the night and drink coffee then go back to sleep. As I got older I found myself doing the same thing. It's an ADD/ADHD thing to do.
Second. Go to a website called Forevergreen and order an essential oil blend called Quiescent. It will shut down the neuro chatter and you will be able to sleep.
I understand. You just want to yell at your brain to Shut Up. This oil will do that for you.

Carol Saha said...

One more thing. I don't have a membership with this company but if they want to know who sent you then tell them Katrina Jenner. That's my daughter, she won't mind. Or they can just pick someone for you. Whatever you want. But really. Try it. I come from a long line of ADD/ADHD people and this stuff works.

julieta...not such a niƱa? said...

ack i have the same problem.... but can't describe it as amzingly as you can. fight club is one wierd-ass movie. i wish i had an alter ego that looked like brad pitt... how would that work... my brain doesn't really allow for that whole shutting down thing very well.... benadryl just makes me look like i've been getting high, and it makes me sleepy for like a week after i take it. i just react badly to medicine in general.

Carol Saha said...

Me again. Try a melatonin before bed. It's natural, our bodies produce it, but evidently not always enough. It works for me and my two little ones. However, my older daughter slept for 24 hrs or so straight when she tried it. So if you try it, do it when you don't have anything planned for the next day. Just in case. That probably won't happen to you. My daughter has strange, unusual reactions to things.

Natasha said...

Thank you, Carol! 'Forevergreen.' Got it. I did try the melatonin thing. Not strong enough for this chica. But the oil sounds promising. I will look into it fo sho.

Joan S. said...

Have you tried decaffeinating? Caffeine really does keep people awake, even if they don't realize it--and it is in many things, like soft drinks (Coke, Mountain Dew), it's in some medicines, it's in chocolate, and yes, it's in coffee and tea.