Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I Can't Get Enough of You, Newbie

We have a newbie in my first period. Hey, I'm not complaining; I'm all for the newbs. Can't get enough of them, really. I wish we always had them. Newb after newb after newb...but this one?

"You look like Hannah Montana."

I don't like this newb.

"I do not look like Hannah Montana."

"Yes you do."

"No I really don't."

"Yeah you do."

That was Day One. Annoyed, but not angry. Hannah Montana cracks, I can deal with. What I can't deal with is someone sticking a tack into my leg.


"You felt that?!"

"YEAH, I felt that! You stuck a tack in my THIGH."


"Not funny, man. Noootttt funnnyyyyy."

"Lemme do it again."


"Why not?"

"Because it hurts. AND because---OUCH!"

"Shut up that don't hurt!"

"YEAH it does!"

"Lemme do it on your arm."


"It's not like you ain't used to it."


"You cut yourself, don't ya?"


"Ahhh, really?"

"Yes, REALLY."

"I thought you was emo."


"You always be wearin' long sleeves and shit. I thought you cut yourself."

He does the motions. And the sound effects.

"Eee! Eee! Eee! EMO."

"Nope. Sorry. I like my veins how they are."

"Your what?"

"My veins."

"What yo veins got to do with it?"

"Never mind."

Then there was the time he really needed a cigarette. BAD.

"You got a cigarette?"


"Give me a cigarette."

"I don't have one."

"You want me to stab you?"

"NO, I don't want you to STAB me."

"Then give me a cigarette."

"I don't smoke."

"That's it I'm jackin' your car."

"You' car."

"That's what I said, bitch!"

"It's already been jacked, sorry."

"Someone jacked your car?"


Not really.

"HaHA! Dude that shit funny as hell!"

"I'm glad you're amused."

"I'm stickin' a pumpkin in your muffler after school. Just gonna stick that pumpkin right up in that black Volvo of yours."

It didn't matter that a pumpkin could never fit in a muffler, that was still the day I was officially creeped out. He knew what car I drove. I don't know how. But it was creepy. That was also the day someone told me he was from a correctional facility for juvenile delinquents. AWESOME.

"Hey hemorrhoid."

"Are you talking to me?"

"Yeah, haHA! I called you a hemorrhoid!"

"Yes, that IS what you called me."

"You know what a hemorrhoid is?"

"It's bad."

"Yeah, but you know what it is?

"I would rather not have this conversation."

I really just didn't know what it was.

"Hey, Teach! Tell her what a hemorrhoid is!"

God that's embarrassing. For me and for him.

"It's an inflammation of the butthole."

Thank you, teaaaaacher! Now let's talk about anal sex! In full detail! With pictures!

"HaHA! See, you a hemorrhoid!"

"You're right. I AM a hemorrhoid."

"HaHAAA you a dirty butt hole!"

He yells this as the rest of the class is taking a test. Now the whole class know I am a "dirty butt hole." Well then.

"Hey hemorrhoid, you got a boyfriend?"

You've GOT to be kidding me.



Let's look on the bright side, shall we? I only have EIGHT WHOLE MONTHS with this guy until I never have to fear him and his tacks again. EIGHT. WHOLE. MONTHS. What a newb.

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