I know; it makes no sense. (The above equation does not include the two 5-hour energy bottles, the three Red Bulls, the tall cup of coffee, the one Diet Mountain Dew, and the one pack of that gum that has as much caffeine in each piece as a cup of coffee does. That may have factored into it somehow.) Plus, I had a lot of adrenaline pumping through my veins due to the fact that I just went to the midnight showing of The Watchmen. And I don't care what all you graphic novel worshippers have to say about it. How about instead of whining about how they mispronounced the 'a' in Rarshach, you move out of your mom's basement? It's a chiche, I know, but where do cliches come from? FROM REAL LIFE, BITCHES. So stop complaining because now not only do you look like a nerd, but you sound like a nerd, and one of those can make you cool but both of them? NO. (I mean, do I really care if the novel never said anything about the song, "Hallelujah" playing during that one steamy sex scene with all the sex? NO. Sure, the song was random, but if you were some ugly "but really nice" guy getting it on with some hot "but really hot" chick who normally gets it on with a dude with five hands then what would you be thinking? You'd be thinking, 'Hallelujah' that's what you'd be thinking.) Basically all I'm trying to say here is: that movie kicked ASS.
Now when I say all of this equals "energy" I am in no way talking about energy throughout the entire day. IN NO WAY.
"This show is good."
"So is that other guy."
"They're all really cute."
"I wish all guys were really cute."
"I think we should make some coffee now."
Willow begins to brew the coffee, as I sit staring intently at the coffee pot. I would call it more of a 'gaze.' Yes, I was gazing at the coffee pot, slouched so far down into the couch that one may infer that I was born without a neck. Or that instead of a neck, I had another chin where my neck should have been placed.
We would have ran to the coffee if we could have, but our legs were asleep. So we slowly, slowly, slooowwwllllly made it over there. Inch. By inch. By inch.
That line would be said in slow-mo if this were a movie.
"WHAT THE FUCK!"
"FUCK THIS COFFEE!"
"What. What. What's wrong with the coffee. What is it. Willow, seriously. What. Really what. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE COFFEE, WILLOW."
"There was already water in here from yesterday so when I put water in, it doubled it. Look."
"Cause it's all water."
Slow-mo, as well. But with tears.
"It's cool. I'll make some more."
Have you caught on by now?
"FUCK FUCK FUCK!"
"WHAT WHAT WHAT!"
"There's no more coffee!"
"I used the last of it!"
"There's not one single ground in there."
Yes, slow-mo. But this time I just collapse to the floor.
"That's it. We're going to Starbucks."
"Help me up."
"I'm glad we came here."
"I know I feel SO much better."
"Yeah, as long as I'm drinking sodas all day I'll be totally cool. Like, I feel completely normal. And I'm gonna be normal all day FOR SURE."
"How was the movie last night?"
"Man it was so good there was this blue guy and when the movie was over these two girls were talking and one said did you like it and the other said i saw way too many blue dicks cause you know well I guess you don't know cause you didn't see it which you totally should though cause it's amazing but the guy is always flashing his dick cause he's naked and he's blue and so that was just really immature of that girl because that movie have you seen it oh yeah you haven't man I'm tired when I was little I used to sing Mary Had A Little Lamb to myself and cry whenever something died in the backyard like that one time I found this dead litter of bunnies in it, it being the backyard and so I sang that song and it was a morbid moment in my life."
"Ms. Hamlet, may I go buy a drink?"
"But the bell hasn't even rung yet!"
"I said no."
"Are you serious?"
"What is your deal, Natasha?"
"I'm just really thirsty and I don't see why I can't go buy a drink."
"Why are you spazzing out?"
"I'M NOT SPAZZING OUT I'M JUST THIRSTY!"
"Okay you need to sit down right now and calm yourself."
"Obviously you have something going on in your life besides the drink."
"No. I'm just. THIRSTY."
"What is your problem?"
"What is YOUR problem?"
"Excuse me? You know you can't buy a drink once class has started."
"Wow that's so easy for YOU to say, you've got your Venti Starbucks coffee right there on your desk so you don't care if anyone else might need a drink cause you got what you want!"
"You're really pissed off and you need to calm down."
"You're the one pissing me off!"
At least I got to buy my fucking soda pop.
"How do you feel?"
"Exhausted. How do you feel?"
"Tired, but I took a nap last period so I feel better."
"You took a nap?!"
"Yeah, it was so nice."
"YOU TOOK A NAP?!"
"You can't take naps! That's not fair!"
"You can take a nap, too!"
"I can't sleep in school I'm paranoid someone will stick a pencil in my ear like they did to Hannah Davis!"
"That's not my fault!"
"UGH! THIS IS SO UNFAIR!"
"Have you taken a nap today?"
"And you expect to go out tonight?"
"Well yeah, I feel great!"
"You need to nap before you go out. That's final."
"DAD! I feel great! I just got a seventh wind!"
"You mean second?"
"No, my second wind was at about 6 am."
"I cannot have you driving out there when you haven't slept in 3o-something hours!"
"If I nap NOW, I'll wake up EXHAUSTED. But if I just stay up, I won't be tired. TRUST ME."
THIS is the moment the equation equals energy. A couple foot races down the highway. Me attempting to monkey leap on to the hood of some lady's car as she's pulling out of a parking spot and her honking at me for a solid 4 and a half minutes. Me pretending to be an old woman with a hunch on her back for a good half hour. Going to a party. Getting into an argument with some dudes about whether or not I parked discreetly enough. Walking in to the party only to see an ex and walking out 23 seconds later. Only to face the pugnacious dudes again. Texting 17 people in my phone saying, "WHAZZZUUUPPPP!" Purchasing 2 more Red Bulls and sitting at Walgreens for 3 hours completely content with my life. Going home. Go to sleep. Not gonna sleep forever, though.
"WHAT THE HELL?!"