Saturday, April 4, 2009

Not Bop It, POP It

Stan walks into P.E. class with a walk that would perfectly display the antonym for "swagger." He has one hand on his hip like his back is about to give out, he's biting his lip, not in the seductive "look at me bite my lip, you sex pot cause I want you" way, but in the "I am in so much pain that I have to bite my lip only to cause myself even more pain" way. He's taking little tiny steps, steps a Smurf would take, or a Munchkin from Munchkin land, or of someone who is holding their back and biting their lip.

"Wanna sit down, Stan? You look like you could use some rest."

"I can't."
Stan leans against the bleachers, and for some reason is thrusting his pelvis out so his bottom half doesn't touch anything.

"Oh. Well, are you alright?"

"Other than my severe battle wound, I'm alright!"
This, obviously, is a cue for us to ask him about his 'severe battle wound.'

"How did you get a severe battle wound, Stan?"

"Wrestling. Ouch!"
This unnecessary cry of pain is a cue for us to ask what exactly his battle wound is, which, of course, none of us really want to do. You never know with Stan.

"Do you have a bad bruise or something, Stan?"

This short response is a cue for us to play a guessing game about Stan's battle wound. Since we are in a class where we get A's for wearing green shorts and do absolutely nothing for a whole solid hour, we comply.

"Is it a cut?"


"A gash?"


"A puncture wound?"


"A scrape?"

You'd think there would be a bigger list of wounds, but as far as "battle wounds" go, we run out of ideas pretty quickly.

"What is it, Stan."

"A boil."

"A boil?"

"A giant boil."

"A giant boil?"

"On the crevice."

"The crevice..."

"Of my ass."

Summary: Stan has a giant boil on the crevice of his ass that makes him walk slowly with his hand on his back biting his lip and he got it from wrestling and calls it a battle wound.

Analysis: Stan has a boil on his ass and he wants to talk about it.

It's hard to form complete sentences when you're trying not to laugh. Or puke. Or imagine it in your head.

"Yeah, and you wanna know the worst thing about it?"
Is it that you just told all of us and we're going to be making fun of this for weeks?

"It lets out blood."


"And pus."


"Yeah it's pretty bad. The nurse said it should go down on its own, but last night my dad decided to take matters into his own hands."

"How did he do that...?"

"Well he was looking at it."

"Looking at it."

"Yeah, he was really surprised at how big it is."

"How big is it, Stan?"

"It's a little smaller than my fist."


"So my dad was lookin' at it, and he decides that it needs to be popped pronto."

Summary: Eighteen-year-old-Stan pulled down his pants and showed his father a boil as big as a small child's fist that is on the crevice of his ass and his father says it should be popped.

Analysis: Stan mooned his father and his father was okay with that.

"So he just kind of grabbed it."

"Wait, what?"

"My dad."

"Your dad."

"He just kinda clenched it in his fist."

"Wait, WHAT."

"My boil. He was gonna pop it."


"Okay, Stan, you're gonna have to start from the top here."

"My dad was gonna pop it, so he grabbed it in his fist and just clenched it in his famous bear claw grip and held it there, just squeezing it for a bit to see what'd it do."


"But it didn't pop."

"Not even in his famous bear claw grip?"

"No, not even with that!"


"So he started twisting it."

"Twisting it."

"Yeah, to pop it."

"What is this, Bop It?"

"No, pop it."

"Yeah, I got it, Stan."

"Like this."
Stan demonstrates his father's hand on Stan's boil. Clench. Twist right. Twist left. Rapid twisting. It was hilarious until I started getting mental images.


"Oh. Sorry."

Summary: Stan's dad examined the giant boil on Stan's giant ass and bear-clawed the shit out of it, then twisted it, and it didn't pop and now blood and pus comes out of it.

Analysis: Stan's dad cradled Stan's boil. Stan's family might just be inbred.

No comments: