How, you may wonder, did it all start with Wal-Mart? And what, you may question, the hell are you talking about?
I'm talking about Wal-Mart. And how it all started.
I find it best to start with the start, so please, allow me to...yes, start. That was predictable, wasn't it? Isn't it nice when you can predict things? Isn't it nice when you can predict...
See? Wasn't that just great? You knew what was coming. You knew how to handle it. You knew, and you were comforted by knowing. Let me tell you something. The thing that started? That thing at Wal-Mart? It wasn't at all like that. I had no idea what I was about to get myself in...
ISN'T THAT JUST SO NICE? ISN'T IS SUGAR AND...
You're having fun, aren't you?
HA! GOTCHA! You thought I'd say "Loompa," didn't you? But instead I said turds! Doesn't that just suck? Well that's how this night was, and you're about to hear about it.
It started with Wal-Mart, and it started with a wig. I walked back out to the car that was waiting so innocently for me in the parking lot with a couple of guilty people inside of it.
"Hey! I --- what the hell?"
"I stole an afro wig!"
"Yes, yes, I can see that..."
"Isn't it awesome?!"
"Yes, yes, it is...so how long have you been sitting in here waiting for me?"
"NO idea. Don't you like my wig?!"
"Your wig is great. The afro is nice and...full. Unlike that bottle of liquor."
"Yeah, it's gone!"
"Yes, yes it is."
"We'll have to get more!"
And that is how it all started at Wal-Mart.
I'm not going to go into detail about the rest of the evening. Who needs details? I'm here to tell you the sky is falling, not describe how brilliantly blue all its pieces are. One thing led to another, and suddenly I was watching my boyfriend and my sister's boyfriend shirtlessly try and destroy one another by testing out their joints. Yes boys, your leg does bend at the knee, that does NOT mean we should extend it over and over again at the other's face. Yes boys, your elbows do allow your arm to stretch out farther, that does NOT mean we should stretch that arm toward the other's stomach. We're all glad to see your joints still in proper function, can we please cease any other tests you two had in mind and get back to CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY?
But, as it always goes, no matter how hard I try, I end up getting involved IN TOTAL BULLSHIT.
"Hello, my name's Natasha, and I'm addicted to bullshit."
"Hi, Natasha. This BA meeting is actually cancelled tonight."
"That's such bullshit."
"Yes, that's why you're here."
And I was there. And then I was somewhere over there, then over there, and then I was on the ground, trying to restrain my boyfriend, for he had picked up a giant rock, saying something I can't recall...but I do remember certain words such as "his" and "head" and "bash" and "in." This is where I had to intervene.
Disclaimer: I DON'T INTERVENE UNLESS THERE ARE GIANT ROCKS INVOLVED.
Of course, I was in a state of panic, and I'm not exactly built like Hans or Frans, so I had to do the only thing I knew how to do.
I put my boyfriend in a headlock.
His younger brother was there with us, and at the time, I wasn't really thinking at all that he might be a bit bothered by this spontaneous headlock.
"STOP NATASHA YOU'RE HURTING HIM!"
"THIS HAS TO BE DONE! IT'S THE ONLY WAY! I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!"
Of course I had no fucking idea what I was doing, but I thought it might be more comforting to Younger Brother if I acted like this happened all the time.
"DON'T WORRY! THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!"
I also thought it might be more comforting to him if I acted like I wasn't putting anyone in a headlock.
"THIS LOOKS LIKE A HEADLOCK BUT REALLY I'M JUST GIVING HIM A SUBSTANTIAL NOOGIE!"
We both hit the ground, I release my rippling bicep from its grip, and for a second, things are calm, and I think this night might just end well. And end right at this second.
"CALL THE COPS!"
Until my sister's boyfriend tells her to call the cops.
Until my sister calls the cops.
Until the cops come.
"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, YOU BASTARDS!"
Until my boyfriend tries to fight the cops.
"WE NEED BACK-UP HERE."
Until 7 more cop cars show up.
Seriously, seven? Do you people not have KILLERS to catch? THIEVES to pursue? CARS to sit comfortably in?
Younger Brother and I remained calm as our shared companion was handcuffed. Alright, that was a lie. We were not calm, but we weren't trying to get ourselves arrested, either. So instead, Younger Brother did a little dance.
And then he got handcuffed.
Then I was told I had 2 minutes to calm down my boyfriend, so I opened the cop door to talk to him.
And then I got handcuffed.
And all 3 of us got separated. Younger Brother to juvie, Boyfriend to a men's cell, and I to a woman's cell. My police report stated this:
"Chased down a moving police vehicle down the street and opened the door to the car in an attempt to release the captive."
WHAT? YOU DIDN'T KNOW I COULD RUN 40 MILES AN HOUR? HAVEN'T YOU SEEN THE NEW NIKES? THEY CAUSE MIRACLES TO HAPPEN. LIKE A 21-YEAR-OLD SMOKER WHO NEVER GOES TO THE GYM BEING AS FAST AS A FUCKING TRANSPORTATION MACHINE.
Then I had to be searched. Keep in mind I was wearing a skirt. And I was short of laundry that day. So I just went with tights. Ahem. I informed this to the woman but all she said was, "It's just as awkward for me as it is for you."
OH IS IT? AM I INTENTIONALLY REACHING MY HANDS UP YOUR SKIRT? ARE YOU EVEN IN A SKIRT? YOU'RE NOT, ARE YOU? AM I BRUSHING MY HANDS ALONG YOUR CROTCH? AWKWARD FOR YOU, HUH? NEXT TIME YOU WEAR TIGHTS AND NO UNDERWEAR YOU SHOULD LET ME KNOW SO I CAN PUT MY HANDS UP IN YOUR BUSINESS. THEN LET ME KNOW IF IT'S JUST AS AWKWARD FOR THE BOTH OF US. BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL WILL FEEL GREAT ABOUT IT.
Then I was told if I needed to go to the bathroom, I can go in the toilet in the corner of my cell.
WHAT? YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WAS COMPLETELY COMFORTABLE PULLING MY PANTS DOWN IN FRONT OF 4 STRANGERS AND THEN DRIP-DRYING IN FRONT OF THEM? YOU DIDN'T KNOW I PREFERRED SHAKING MY ASS BACK AND FORTH FROM THE EAST TO THE WEST IN A VIOLENT MANNER INSTEAD OF JUST WIPING IT WITH SOME SOFT TISSUE?
Then I noticed an inmate, a "celly" of mine trying to read a piece of paper the police had given her.
"Do you want me to read that to you?"
I'm such a kind celly.
She handed me the paper.
"It says, 'Arrested for abuse. Abusing your...mother and your...ahem...grandmother...beating them with objects...' Well, here you go, that's all it says!"
That is not all it said. I just felt incredibly uncomfortable becoming more aware that I was in a cell with a grown woman who beats her granny over the head with her own cane.
"You're, uh, welcome."
WHAT THE FUCK THIS CANNOT BE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.
Another celly of mine tapped me on the shoulder and pointed out the sliver of a window we had in the cell.
"Look through dair! It's a big, pink one!"
"Jus' look, gurl! Look!"
So I looked through our little window that gave us the gorgeous view of two benches. Then I notice another holding cell behind the benches. A much bigger one with a giant window instead of the tiny one us ladies had. And a man standing in the cell facing us.
"OH MY GOD!"
There he was. Looking at me. Grinning. Completely naked. Smearing his dick around on the glass.
"It's pink, gur'! Big an' PINK!"
"WHY DID YOU SHOW ME THAT?!"
"HAHAHA! You ain't never seen no big, black dick before?"
"YOU JUST SAID IT WAS PINK MAKE UP YOUR MIND!"
She just laughed at me, then immediately forgot about my presence entirely and started focusing on making inappropriate gestures with her tongue toward the Pink Black Dick Man and slowly mouthing out the words, "YOUUUU WANNNN ITTT?"
I'm sure he does, Celly. I'm sure he does.
Then I'm summoned to get my mug shot taken. And I see my boyfriend.
I immediately yell and he turns around, then that same Frisky Bitch pops up out of nowhere.
"I don't THINK so, little miss. You've caused enough trouble tonight. You don't need to be talkin' to him."
"Caused enough trouble? What---"
"I can't look at him?"
The only way I could think of to get my revenge on Frisky Bitch was to smile in my mugshot. So I did.
And then I started crying like a little bitch.
Eight hours later, someone comes in and tells me I can leave. My sister was there. She had paid the entire 587 dollars out of her own pocket to bail me out.
Then she even took me to Waffle House. And we ate hashbrowns. And they were the best mother fucking hasbrowns I've ever had in my life.
I'd like to say the story ends there - freeze frame: my sister and I at Waffle House, together. Her sipping her coffee, me drowning my hashbrowns in ketchup, her commenting on how I'm drowning my hashbrowns in ketchup, that comment just making me only want to drown them more...that would be a nice ending to a night of naked men and granny-beaters. A happy finish to a start of giant rocks and headlocks. Unfortunately, there were 3 days of community service to come. And that, my friends, is where the most entertaining stories await to be told. And I am going to tell them. Until then, don't get arrested. And never substitute tights for underwear.