Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Road-Tripper-Sipper

I've recently come across some inventions that I'm going to describe as...useless. Useless inventions, unnecessary ideas, pointless effort - you know they're out there.

Edible underwear, anyone?
Since I always get the urge to shove underwear in my I'll be able to swallow it! YAY!

Dumbbell alarm clock, perhaps?
Damn my alarm clock for not building up my muscle tone! Damn my alarm clock for not being too heavy to lift! Oh it is! YAY!

Goggles for your dog. Since all dogs think about is eating, humping, and eye protection. YAY!

After little thought and barely any effort, I have come up with an invention to go with the others above. Yes, yes, I am an entrepreneur in the making. Yes, yes, this will make me millions. No, no, I will not be using this product myself. But you sure can!

My Latest Invention - For Those Of You Who Just Say Yes

And here it is, folks: the moment we've all been waiting for...DRINKING AND DRIVING STRAWS!

Yes, ladies and gents, the time has finally come! Are you ever out driving on a Friday night, and you've been drinking? Does getting in the car make you wanna stop drinking? Of course not! It's Friday night, isn't it? You had a long work week, didn't you? Of course you did! But we all know how hard it is to drink and drive when you have police patrolling the streets.

Aren't you just sick of trying to sneak that beer up to your lips while you're on the freeway, quickly sipping as much as you can before passing another cop car? Isn't lifting a whole bottle of wine up to your mouth with one hand, while steering your vehicle with the other, such as gosh darn hassle? Isn't an entire handle of whiskey just too heavy to multitask with, as well as too obvious for any passing policeman to see? Well, worry no longer! Introducing...THE ROAD TRIPPER-SIPPER! With my new and handy drinking straws, you can drink and drive - without the paranoia!

Remember those horrible, olden days, when you and your friends would have to "pregame" before you went out? You'd have to sit around, do nothing, and drink until you felt comfortable to head to the actual party? Well, you can kiss pregaming goodbye - because now, with this newest invention, you can pregame AS you head to the party! No more awkwardly arriving to one and having to wait to get drunk - now you can get wasted on your way there! And we all know that everyone wants a good drunk at their party!

They are extra long, so you can put them in your drink, and they'll reach all the way up to your mouth! No more picking up annoying beer cans, no more dangering yourself and others by taking your eyes off the road to down a shot of that tequila! No more awkwardly bending over to sippy-sippy on that drinky-drinky! Now, you can drink and drive safely! Simply place one end of the straw in your alcoholic beverage, and the other end in your mouth, and now you're ready to strictly focus on the driving, not the drinking! The best part is, you don't even have to take the straw out of your mouth! You can just drink away, and no cop will ever be able to tell the difference! Order now, and you'll get a bonus swirly-straw to match your swirly driving!

Natasha's Road Tripper-Sippers! Because we want YOU - to drive safe.


Anonymous said...

You are encouraging illegal and unsafe behavior and I rebuke you in the name of Jesus Christ.

Natasha said...

I'm so glad you told me this was you today. Otherwise I would have been scared. Or amused. I'm not sure those two mix? Smused? I would have been smused.

stevebezan said...

Just catching up on my D2BAD fix. While that is encouraging bad behavior WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU when I was in college and that would have been an F'n awesome idea. However, you could promote safety by applying the same concept to breast feeding. Baby stays safe and mom keeps on driving. You may keep this idea, no charge.

Natasha said...

Steve! I thought you were gone from my blog forever. (My fault; I take long absences.) Yes, yes...I'm liking this breast-feeding bit...I've heard they have baby dolls now that pretend to breast feed on the kid? We all know what a confusing concept it is - MUST TEACH KINDERGARTNERS THE PROPER WAY.