Thursday, October 25, 2012

Gravy Groin

I just want Chris Farley to be my lunchlady. Is that really too much to ask? I mean, look at him:

"Natasha...I've always wanted to feed you meatballs..."

"Great, Chris! I love spaghetti!"

"Oh, did I say meatballs? I balls..."

It'd be like that except without the testicles because that's disgusting and I don't know what made me say it. Regardless, now you're thinking about it. SHAME ON YOU. You sick bastard.

Cafeteria food has become a big part of my life now. Thought that ended in middle school, didn't you? Yeah well. So did I.

I don't know how other college cafeterias work, but here's mine: you walk in, they swipe your card, and you are free. Free, free, FREE! Free to roam! Free to wander! Free to eat whatever you want and as much of it as you want! Free to stay in there all day eating! Free to gain 100 pounds! Free to stuff your face! Free to shove warm food in your pants and let it warm your crotch! FREE.

Pizza, burgers, sandwiches, ice cream, cookies, quesadillas, rice, biscuits, the Karate Kid - THEY HAVE IT ALL. Being a "broke-ass mo-fo," this fascinated me. Had I been completely ignorant of this buffet for the past 4 years of my life? Or was this a new thing? Surely the biggest news stations had broadcasted this phenomenon.


I'm sure they all covered this groundbreaking story. 

"And here we are, live, at a local university's campus, where there appears to be a hoard of pigs that have escaped from a nearby farm and found their way into this school's cafeteria. These hogs ---"

"Ahem, Janet."

"Yes, Tom?"

"Those are not pigs."


"Well, folks, that was Janet on our College Benefits for Students segment on today's show. We're gonna take a short commercial break now."

It is to my fortune and my misfortune that I can only go once a day due to financial funds. The plus side is that I don't have to worry about growing in size like Violet Beauregarde, but the down size is that when I go, I must make sure to eat enough to last me for the rest of my day. And night. And next morning, because I'm too lazy to walk there when I wake up, as well as too half-conscious to remember to dress myself before leaving the house. There's another news story for ya:

"And here we are, live, where the Bible has finally been proven true! I am standing here with THE Eve from the garden of Eden. She seems to have traveled in time somehow and found this college campus to satisfy her munchies---"

"Ahem, Janet."

"Yes, Tom?"

"That's not Eve."


"Well, folks, that was Janet with our breaking news story of a casual streaker caught on campus, last seen calmly walking toward the school's cafeteria, seeming completely unaware that she is naked. Now here's Tod, with the weather."

But when I do make that ten-minute walk to eat, I am READY. I'm always greeted with one out of two ways:

"NaTAAAAAAAAAsha! How you doin,' babay chile!"


"It's Little Black Ridin' Hood! Go git you sumpin to eat, honey thang!"

How can you not love this place? They know me by name AND have given me a nickname. AND they're never out of Lucky Charms. The place is a utopia for starving children and leprechauns.

Every day I'm shovelin' except when someone comments. Alright, so this happened once, but it was some bullshit and I'm not over it. I had a plate of lasagna, a mini-sandwich, and some bread pudding with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top---


---and the lunchman stops, eyes my plate of food, and starts laughing, while I'm standing there thinking, 'Who knew ham could be so funny?' But then he continues.

"You're gunna beef up eatin' like DAT! Yeah, yeah, youz gunna beef UP."

Alright, Gravy Groin, let's get this straight.

1. You've already beefed up, which I guess means you have enough experience to issue the warning, but go issue it to someone who needs it. You wouldn't say that to a big girl, would you? Would you walk up to a large woman and look at her food and bellow, "DAYUM! You gunna git bigger eatin' like DAT!" No, you wouldn't. And you shouldn't. So don't do it to me.

2. "Beef up" is in reference to muscles, not fat. I'm not gaining muscle tone by eating ice cream. We both know this. Webster knows this. Think before you speak.

3. NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM. That's me. Being Cookie Monster. Because no matter what you say, I'm throwing this food directly at my face and hoping most of it makes it into my mouth. 

All I know is, Chris Farley would never do that to me. 

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