Sunday, May 11, 2008

Escape to the Loo

I get asking the teacher to use the restroom. That's respectful. What I don't get is them saying no. That's retarded. How can you refuse to let someone relieve themselves? Empty their bladder? Take a wizz? It's utterly ridiculous. Especially when they say, "hold it," because if we could always just "hold it" we would never go to the bathroom. If we could just "hold it" we wouldn't have asked in the first place. If we could just "hold it" we wouldn't start wearing diapers when we got old. Ever heard of BLADDER INFECTION? It's a real thing. Not a myth. Real. And it's not like peeing takes an hour. Four minutes, tops. For people who don't wash their hands, two. For people who don't wipe, three. For people who don't wash their hands OR wipe...okay that's just disgusting. The point IS, teachers get to pee whenever they want to. They don't have to ask, they don't even have to tell anyone. They just go. Then they deny our request to do the same thing. They pull the whole, "you should have gone in between classes." WELL I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THEN. And what? You pee once and you never have to go again? Uhhhh NO. There are some people who pee twice in one hour. I happen to be one of them. The result of these power-hungry teachers is that instead of focusing on our classwork, we're devising ways to escape to the loo.

"Ms. Coleman, may I use the restroom?"

"No."

"I'm gonna pee my pants."

"Go sit down."

"I'm gonna pee my pants."

"Act your age."

"I guess you want me to pee on your floor then."

"Quit being immature and sit down."

"BETTER PUT THE JANITOR ON SPEED DIAL!"

The thing about the "pee on your floor" threat is that it has never happened in real life, so there really is nothing to fear about it. It's like if you said, "I'm gonna pee all over everyone's faces and into their open mouths if you don't let me go," because you know that would never happen, one because you would get expelled, and two because if someone whipped it out and started peeing on everyone, they probably wouldn't sit there with their mouths open.

"JOHN!"

"Sorry..."

"Why didn't you just ask me to go the bathroom?"

"I thought you'd say no..."

"Honey, if you had to go THAT bad I would have let you go!"

"Sorry..."

"Go the office and get some pants out of the lost and found."

"Sorry..."

"Who wants to help me clean this up?"

"So sorry..."

Of course there actually was a time someone peed on the floor...but we were in 5th grade, so it doesn't count. What I want to know is why didn't he just ask? What's more humiliating: asking to go the bathroom and being told no, or standing in your own puddle of piss and just having to wait until someone noticed and said something? The kid had issues.

"Ms. Coleman, may I go to the restroom?"

"No."

"Ms. Coleman! Can I go get some tissues from the bathroom?"

"Yes you may."

"What? Why'd you let her go get tissues but you won't let me go to the bathroom?"

"She can't control her nose from running."

"I can't control my urine from flowing!"

"Act your age."

"I think people at all ages still pee."

"You're so immature."

Is it just me, or is it immature to say, "You're SO immature."? It's just something to say when you have nothing to say. It's like the older version of, "I can't hear you!" or "SHUT UP." or "Look over there!" then running away. It's just a horrible comeback. Especially when you're saying someone is lacking maturity because their bladder is functioning properly. I mean, really.

"May I go to the restroom?"

"Is it an emergency?"

Now, what exactly does this mean? An "emergency?" Does it mean, "If you don't go will you faint and have to be taken away in an ambulance?" Does it mean, "I'm only asking this so you feel guilty about leaving my classroom."? Does it mean, "Did you pee a tiny bit in your underwear and you would rather finish the job sitting on the commode?" Does it mean, "If I don't let you go and someone tells a joke and you laugh you'll have urine running down your leg?" I have to admit girls have it easier because we can just say, "It's that time of the month..." and we are allowed to go. Because pee and blood are two TOTALLY different things. Guys can't say, "It's that time of the month..." because that makes absolutely no sense at all since guys don't have a menstrual cycle. Hmmm. What does it mean... it really is a pointless question because if asked, OF COURSE we're going to say it is, because if we say it's not, then we can't go, and if we say it is, we can. I've never heard someone say, "No, it's not an emergency." because that's just dumb. Honesty is just dumb. (when it comes to bathroom dilemmas)

"Yes, question?"

"May I go to the restroom?"

"No. We're in the middle of class."

"But it's an emergency."

"It will have to wait."

"But I'm on my PERIOD."
(I would never have the nerve to say this in front of the entire class.)

"No."
(Guy teachers don't know what it's like to have blood ooze out of their crotches. Sorry for the detail, I'm just trying to get the point across. Plus I'm in Anatomy this year and I have learned it's "all part of human nature" so I'm not grossed out by it.)

"But I'm wearing very expensive underwear."

"You are disrupting class. No."

"LOOK I'M NOT GOING TO TOLERATE BLOOD STAINS ON MY VICTORIA'S SECRET THONG THAT I JUST BOUGHT YESTERDAY SO I'M GOING!"
(Girl has a point.)

There's always the ol' "my contact fell out" trick I've seen a dozen times. There's also the "I left my pencil on the bathroom sink" that somehow qualifies as a good excuse to leave class when there are millions of pencils in the world. Like, millions. And then there's the rebels who just can't take it anymore. Not saying I'm of the rebellious folk, but you gotta go when you gotta go.

"Ms. Coleman, may I please use the restroom?"
(Notice: use of the words "please," "may," and "restroom." I was trying my best to be polite to the bitch.)

"No."

"But it's an emergency."
(Early use of the "emergency" excuse. Too early?)

"No."

"Ms. Coleman."
(She ignores me.)

"Ms. Coleman."
(She ignores me.)

"Ms. Coleman."
(Man what a bitch.)

"I really, really have to go, Ms. Coleman."

"Quit causing a scene."

"I don't really think I'm causing a scene..."

"Oh yes, you are causing QUITE the scene."

"Well I'm the one whispering and you're the one yelling soooo..."

"You think you're so funny, don't you?"

"Well I..."

"You think this is SO amusing."

"I don't really think asking to pee is that amusing..."

"Oh yes you do. Grow up."

"Even if I did get older, I'd still have to pee."

"You just love this attention, don't you?"

"I love peeing."

"Still causing a scene, I see."

"I wouldn't be causing a scene if you would have just said yes."

"No."

"I'm just gonna go..."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm leaving now..."

"It's your office referral."

"Yes well I'm very sorry..."

"It's your detention."

"I'm sure the need to urinate will look daring compared to the crack deals."

"You're so immature."

Peeing is not exactly something we all enjoy, or look forward to, or dream about one day doing, but it is SO incredibly satisfying when you've tried for twenty minutes to be allowed to go, when you've asked and asked and requested and made up excuses and said it was an emergency and threatened to pee on their floor and into people's mouths and you've asked and asked and requested and caused a scene and alerted the class about you new thong and asked and asked and got up and walked out all to sit on the toilet and just...go.

8 comments:

Carol Saha said...

I peed in my pants at school in the first grade. I was afraid to ask if I could go. I remember but I wasn't traumatized by it. However, later in the year another girl did the same thing and when they sent her to the office to call her mom they sent me along for moral support because she was crying (I didn't cry). I can still remember not knowing what to say to her.
Carol

Chip N. Dale said...

Best. Blog post. Ever.

Doodaddy said...

OK, so Ms. Coleman is clearly a bitch. I was a teacher and I never really wanted to hear "Can I go to the bathroom?" -- I preferred "I'm going to the bathroom" or "I'll be right back" because that's what, y'know, normal people would say to excuse themselves.

Soooo.... um.... can I ask... What would you say (as the, y'know, teacher) to someone who asked *every* day, sometimes *twice* during a single class... and then took 20 minutes about it?

Just curious.

Personally, I tended to ignore it, because she was getting decent grades and seemed just basically bored by the pace of the class. (We have to teach to the middle, sadly, although I tried, I tried.) But then I got in trouble with the AP. Not that I really cared, but you know.

So... any advice?

Erdybell said...

Oh, honey!!! I've got a worse one......

I'm a TEACHER and I STILLLL have to call the office to ask if I can go. Now how ridiculous is that?

Wait. It gets worse. Sometimes they say "no"....as if I could wait!!! I teach from 7:30am-12:30 without a break, or a potty in my room.

Peeing is bliss!!

Great post!

Amalia said...

Where I teach, we can't leave the children "unattended." So I have to wait until I'm done teaching for the day! My suggestion to get a little sympathy? Have one of your classmates do something naughty whenever the teacher leaves the room so he or she feels that he or she must stay there and watch you. Wait until the second cup of coffee he or she had hits his or her bladder and enjoy! You'll have potty privileges in no time.

~Amalia~

Liz said...

This has happened to me before. I needed to go, bad, but we had a substitute in my algebra class. She wouldn't let me go, and so I wrote her a little note and said, "What do I have to do to show you that I need to go to the bathroom? Pull out my panties and show you the period blood?" She read it and looked at me with angry eyes, "Show me."

I was like, WHAT?! and she just said, "Do it. Show me." She was doing that head swiveling attitude thing. So I said aloud, "Fuck this." and went to the bathroom where I called my mom and told her what happened and she came to get me. I think I was suspended for my language or something...I don't remember.

It was very satisfying to say that though.

Natasha said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Natasha said...

Doodaddy...Your idea on not having to ask to go to the restroom but just excusing yourself silently? BRILLIANT. The chick who pees twice an hour and takes advantage of the courtesy you have bestowed upon your students? UNFORTUNATE. I would recommend having a pop quiz on hand and next time she leaves for the second time, hand it out "for a grade" and when she returns, apologize and tell her there is simply nothing you can do about it. Maybe then she'll stop fleeing for some peeing.

Liz...F-Bombs are always great for dramatic effect. So is flashing the inside of your panties, but I would rather go with the F-Bomb, as well.