Friday, May 30, 2008


"He took my hat."

"Well did you get it back?"

"He took my hat and ran off."

"Well did you chase him and get it back?"

"He took my hat and ran off and went upstairs."

"Well did you follow him upstairs and get it back?"

"He took my hat and ran off and went upstairs and went into a bedroom and said, "Come get it..." "


"In a bedroom upstairs! Waiting! In the dark! With my hat!"

"We're gonna go get your hat. NOW."

"He's in---"

"That one?"

"No...that one."

"That one in the corner with all the lights turned off?"




"Uhhh...hi. Here's your hat."

"Thank you..."


"That was a little uncomfortable."

"The part where he came out all by himself after waiting in there for a good 10 minutes only to face you with your friend, which proved the fact that you believe in safety in numbers and that he is a total PRICK?"

"No, the part where his pants were off."

"Ahhh. I didn't notice that. THAT PRICK!"

Parties have proved to be the outlet for all the pricks in the world. The ones who believe that they can get whatever they want from a chick as long as they get her trashed first. Which, sadly, is true for some. True for the chick dressed as a Catholic school girl in the purple eyeshadow with her shirt unbuttoned revealing a floral-printed swimsuit-top grinding on every person and lamp shade in sight who constantly approached me the entire night saying, "Loosen UPPPPP! You're so up-TIGHTTTTT!" For chicks like THAT, go for it, dude. But for chicks like me, the ones who like to party while keeping their pants ON, stay the hell away. It's really quite simple.

"You have nice hair."

"Get the hell away from me."

Okay. So I'm not that blunt. I wish I was, but that wouldn't be fair, would it? Because if I go to a party, horny guys are a big percentage of what parties are about. It's like if I went to a Chinese buffet and got angry that there were crab legs there. They're always gonna be there. And I just need to accept it. So I'm a little nicer.

"You have nice hair."

"I'm not going to hook up with you."

There. That's to the point without being a complete wench. Of course I don't usually say that, either. I usually just go along with it, compliment them back, giggle a bit, then book it. So in reality it's more like:

"You have nice hair."

"Hehehehehe thank you hehehehehehe GOT TO GO!"

Then there's the mingling. The roaming from room to room. The scoping out of the hot guys. (NOT that I would go up to them and tell them they have nice hair)

"May I have that blanket beside you? It's freezing."

"Maybe you should wear more fucking clothes."

"Umm maybe you should lose a couple hundred pounds."

Of course I didn't say that either. Because you just don't insult huge drunk guys who happen to have two fists. So it went more like this:

"Maybe you should wear more fucking clothes."

"Yeah? Oh yeah? Yeah well...well yeah? Well...yeah. Yeah? Ho ho! Well! Yeah..."

And as I repeat the "yeahs" and "wells" I'm also AT THE SAME TIME walking out of the room. It's quite brilliant, really.

"Dude, Natasha. Your HOT."


"Like, she is SMOKIN."

"You know, it's best you DON'T tell me these things."

"I can't believe you brought your sister to a party."

"There are other freshmen here! She can handle it!"

"But can she handle ME?"


"I know she wants me."

"Okay NO. NO NO NO."

"You don't think she's into me?"


"Why not?"

"NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. Good god I feel like her mother."

"Man she's HOT!"

"We are NOT talking about this. Stay away from me. NO, stay away from HER. Keep talking to me, just don't---"

"Hey guys!"


"We're leaving. NOW."

I wish girls were the predators, and guys the prey. Because if girls were the ones who did all the hitting on and looking up and down and ass-grabbing, and guys were the ones who were the sluts and the tramps and the dirty whores, then parties would be SO much better. Why is it us girls who are "taken advantage of?" Why isn't it US taking advantage of the guys? Why has it been permanently established as US being used for our bodies? Why can't WE do the exact same thing? Why can't I look at a guy, then look at his chest, then back up at him, then say, "Nice legs," then say, "Come talk to me where it's more quiet..." then go in for the kiss then have my way with him? Then walk out and tell everyone what I JUST did with whats-his-face then move on to the next man-slut? WHY THE HELL NOT?

"Are you drunk?"


"Okay, I'll come back when you're drunk."

See? Why can't we pull "douche-bag moves" and have the guys whining, "Why didn't she calllll? She said she'd callll!" And have them saying, "What a BITCH. She's hooking up with that other man-slut right now! And he wasn't even attractive!" and "She told me I was the easiest person to talk to at this party...did that 5-minute conversation we had before she stuck her tongue down my throat mean NOTHING to her?" Why can' us girls be the pricks at the party? I would KILL to be That Prick.

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