Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Vampire Ass

I've been obsessed with vampires for as long as I can remember. I've always thought of it as "my thing." You know, like when people have "their things," like, "I have a troll collection," or, "Leprechauns get me off." Vampires ARE MY THING. So what I wanna know is why is EVERYONE ELSE suddenly obsessed with MY THING? I know exactly why. It's that book. THAT DAMN BOOK. That book has every girl and woman running around reading about vampires, talking about vampires, dressing like vampires. Guess what? I did that BEFORE THE BOOK, BITCHES.

Yeah okay, so I read it. WHEN IT CAME OUT. I didn't jump on the bandwagon, I was DRIVING that friggin' bandwagon. Then what? Two years later everyone is acting like it just came out?

"Natasha! You like to read, right?"

"Yeah!"

"I just read this REALLY good book."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. It's called Twilight, and it's about these things you may have heard of called vampires, and see what happens is---"

"I read that book a long time ago. And I know what a vampire is."

And I know what an OBNOXIOUS PAIN IN MY ASS is.

"Oh, so then OF COURSE you've read the second one, too."

I hate when this happens. What? I start a trend (okay so I know I didn't START it, but just go with me here), and that automatically means I have to KEEP UP with that trend? I've moved on, baby! To bigger and better things! To new things you'll be asking me if I've heard of 3 weeks from now! So BAM!

"Can you lend me it?"

I mean I can always resort back to old trends...

So. I have people asking ME if I've heard of, "Twilight." Yeah I've heard of it BITCH, I knew about it when you were still getting breast-fed. Yeah okay, so I went and read the second one because of all these Twilight Experts running around like rabies-victims saying, "OHMYGOD here's every little detail as well as every major turning point and twist in the third and the last books of the series!" So YEAH, OKAY, I'm now in the process of reading the third one.

"Is that the third one?"

"Yeah."

"Oh my god you're only on the THIRD one?"
Oh my god you only have a THIRD of a brain?

"Yeah."

"Oh my god wait until you get to the FOURTH one!"
Oh my god wait until I shove this book up your ASS.

"Yeah."

"Like, you'll be SHOCKED."

"Uh-huh."

"Like, I REALLY want to tell you right now what happens."
Like, I REALLY want you to know what it's like to have a 400 page book IN YOUR ASS.

"Don't."

"I mean I won't, but oh my god you'll be SHOCKED."

I have people asking me if I want "I LOVE VAMPIRES" temporary tattoos. I have one girl telling me she's going to get an "I LOVE VAMPIRES" permanent tattoo. ON HER ASS CHEEK. I personally don't want "Vampires" written on my ass. And if someone looks at my ass, I want them to be admiring it, not reading it. And think about it: the cheek of the ass curves, a word would not turn out right. It would fold in and...I JUST DON'T WANT A VAMPIRE ASS, OKAY? I just want to get this third book over with so I can then read the fourth one and THEN I can be cool like everyone else. THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS IN LIFE. TO BE COOL.

So the movie comes out soon. That much I know. Will I go? Will I succumb to the riding of the bandwagon? Will I scream like a little girl when I see a hot vampire onscreen? Will I grow envious of the leading lady and picture myself making out with a vampire before I go to sleep? Will I daydream of making out with vampire after vampire in the midst of a Transylvanian
castle surrounded by even more vampires? Guess what? I did that BEFORE THE BOOK, BITCHES.



3 comments:

Chad said...

You need to watch True Blood on HBO.

Ed said...

Or if you liked 30 days of Night check out 30 days of blood and 30 days of dust. Made by the same people you can find it Ondemand.

Rebecca said...

"Twilight Watch" series by Sergei Lukyanenko. Beats that Edward and Bella sap to all hell and back.