Mothers of the world, I'm about to tell you something you may not want to hear. Clutch your bibles and hide the children. Barbies promote sex. If you don't already know this, you obviously didn't own the blond bombshell with the double D's. As of this moment, I expect you to be in denial. What? You just checked on Susie Lou and she was driving Barbie to her house? Yeah, try Whore House. What? You saw Penelope Ann dressing her Barbie to go to school? Why were her clothes off in the first place? What? You bought Pumpkin PooPoo Doctor Barbie to promote a future career in medicine? Yeah, and those meds will turn out to be birth control. I'm telling you, it's time to face the facts. Who needs the birds and the bees when you have Barbie?
Skip the anatomy of the figure, we all already know about THAT. (Gazungas-waist-legslegslegs.) Skip the innocent smile that stays white without those amazing Crest White-Strips. Skip innocent occupations such as, "Nurse Barbie" and "Babysitter Barbie." Skip it all. We're about to get down to the nitty-gritty: Barbie is a tramp. Why do you think she has painted on panties? BECAUSE OTHERWISE SHE'D TAKE THEM OFF. Why do you think those panties have an innocent floral print? BECAUSE HER THONGS ARE IN THE BACK SEAT OF KEN'S CONVERTIBLE. Why do you think there is one Ken and thousands of Barbies? BECAUSE KEN IS A TRAMP, TOO. There's no way I was the only child who had a Ken doll who sneaked out of the Barbie House at night to have a little hanky-panky with Wilderness Barbie. (And boy, was she wild.) There's no way I was the only child who made Ken use the grocery store as an alibi while he was really playin' some Marvin Gaye over at Gymnast Barbie's house. (Even though all Barbies were contortionists.) There's no way I was the only child who had Ken babysit Barbie's little sister Kelly and then get it on with her. (Or maybe I was the only one for that one...) If Barbie was a slut, Ken had to be, too. (Slut Barbie got taken off the market in '92 when some parents complained. Same thing happened with Gonorrhea Barbie in '96.) Besides, Ken was hot. At least mine was. (Magic Razor Ken. He had stubble that could be removed with warm water and then would reappear with cold water. I never removed his stubble. I loved his stubble.) (True story: Magic Earring Ken got taken off the market in the 1980's because people complained he was too "gay," including the gays. Apparently lavender silk shirts and diamond earrings are stereotypical of that of the homosexual. I personally would have purchased Magic Earring Ken in a heartbeat. I could have had a lot of fun with that one...)
Remember Life-Size Barbie? All I have to ask is this: Why do you think they made a Life-Size Barbie but not a Life-Size Ken? Think about it. (Or I could just tell you. BECAUSE WE'D BE DOIN' IT WITH THEM! THREESOME, BABY!)
We must not forget in 1994, merely two days before Valentine's Day, Barbie and Ken called it quits. According to Russell Arons, vice-president of marketing at Mattel, Barbie and Ken would "remain friends." Well, according to Natasha Ferrier, former president of her junior class, "Barbie and Ken will remain friends. YEAH. Friends WITH BENEFITS." Do you really want your child playing with a doll who has problems with commitment? (Unless you count commitment to taking advantage of Cheerleader Barbie after a Friday night kegger.) Sure, you don't have to tell your kiddie that Ken has moved on to greener pastures (it's a phrase, NOT a sexual innuendo), but that doesn't mean they're going to have Ken and Barbie be together forever. That's BORING. That's LAME. Why do you think divorce rates have increased? Because as children, we were taught to play the field, and it's all because of Barbie. It's a disaster waiting to happen. Sure, you buy her Babysitter Barbie, but that only leads to Pregnant Barbie, which leads to Abortion Barbie, which leads to I Don't Give a F*ck I Just Wanna Get Laid Barbie. Why do you think boys are so much hornier than girls? Because us girls got that all out of our systems when we were playing with Barbie and Ken. (And listening to "Barbie Girl" by Aqua. What a classic.) Guys can't release their sexual impulses when playing Donkey Kong, can they? I don't think so. Unless giant apes turn you on. (Or if the word "Kong" makes you think of "thong" or "ding dong" or some other "ong" that could only take a perverse imagination to think of.) Until they make Abstinence Barbie, I would recommend not investing in one for your child. Buy her a Furby, instead.