Monday, June 8, 2009

Coolness Via Walgreens

The information you are about to read is all true.

So I'm sitting in my car at Walgreens. Yes, Walgreens. You know, the place where all the cool kids go to what? To sit in their cars and be what? Cool, that's what. So I'm sittin' there, bein' cool, as usual, at the coolest pharmacy that has ever rocked this world, on a Wednesday afternoon. Yes, the coolest time to be sittin' in your car at Walgreens. My window is down, because, as every cool kid knows, you gotta feel a cool breeze if you're gonna be sittin' there bein' all cool and whatnot, when a woman approaches my side.

The woman is in her 40's.

The woman is large.

The woman is limping.

"Hi there I'm sorry to bother you I'm with my sister and we just escaped from a domestic violence situation and we're trying to drive somewhere to get away and our gas tank is on empty and we have no money and I was just wondering if you could help us out 'cause we just got out of a domestic violence situation and we just need some gas so if you could just spare anything we'd be very grateful."

So I'm sittin' there, right? And yeah, I'm lookin' cool, being one of those cool teenagers who loiters outside of pharmacies, well, not just any pharmacy, but the cool pharmacies, (Walgreens)and I'm looking at this woman and yeah, since this was the very first time a stranger had ever approached me asking me for money, of course it came across my mind that she could be lying out of her ass. You know, she just saw me lookin' cool and thought I'd be cool enough to give her some cash. Now, my impulsive reaction would be to lie and say I have no money, but this Limping GENIUS had approached me right as I was emptying my wallet of a handful of 20 dollar bills. So lying was out of the question. Not that I was afraid she would jump me if I had blatantly lied; she was limping after all, but maybe she was telling the truth? Then who'd go to Hell? I would. So, in my mind, my options were a) give her some money, or b) go to Hell. So what did I do? I tucked the 20's underneath my thigh that was conveniently located right beneath me (fate, was it?) and gave her five ones. Yes, I gave the beggar woman 5 dollars.

"Thank you so much."

And she limped away.

Three days later.

So, I'm sittin' there, just chillin', bein' cool/lookin' cool/actin' cool, and I happen to be at Walgreens. It's a Saturday night. (Look, I have a reputation to keep. You can't just be all cool all the time sittin' at Walgreens then just randomly STOP lingering outside of the famous pharmacy to what? To go to a party? To be social? To interact with other human beings? Please. Like I stated before, I have a reputation to keep. A reputation of cool.) So, of course, I'm at Walgreens, and yes, of course, my window is down. I'm listening to some tunes, cool tunes of course, when I hear something.

"Excuse me? Excuse me?"

So I turn to my left, in a very cool manner nonetheless, only to see two women sitting in a car pulled up right next to mine. They're in their 30's, each smoking a cigarette. So I'm thinking, okay...if they can afford cigarettes, then they're not going to be asking me for money...

"Hi there we're trying to get to Gatlinburg and we are completely out of gas and we just won't make it since we ran out of money completely and we were just wondering if you'd be so kind as to help us out in some way."

At least the first woman got straight to the point.

"Oh, you mean you need some gas money?"

"That would help us out and that's be wonderful thank you kindly."

So yeah, I gave her some money. Okay, it was only two dollars this time, but I mean COME ON, two people in one week? When only three days ago that was the first time that had ever happened to me in my LIFE? I mean, good god! It's unbelievable! I'm a teenager! You think I have cash? If I had cash, wouldn't I be INSIDE Walgreens? BUYING THINGS? I'm not, am I? No, I'm loitering in the parking lot listening to music. No drinks, no food, no pharmaceutical drugs. I mean, THEY NAMED A SANDWICH AFTER ME. Ever heard of a Po Boy?

She leaves.

I'm pissed.

Two days later.

Yeah, I'm back at Walgreens. I know, I know, it takes a really cool person to be parked in the same parking lot three nights in one week doing absolutely nothing. It's called sacrifice. The Sacrifice To Be Cool. I'm almost done with the thesis, actually; it'll be available in bookstores soon, don't worry. You, too will learn the ways of Coolness Via Walgreens. So it's a Monday night, not really a party night, but to be cool you gotta be cool at any time of the week, so there I was at Walgreens. Sitting. Window down. Wallet in glove box. When I look to my left.

A man is approaching the car.

I turn to my sister, who had been present for the first two accounts.

"No. Way."

I wait.

He is still headed to my window.

"Not. Possible."

He approaches my ever-notorious window.

"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but I was on vacation with my daughter and we are trying to get back home to Alabama and we have completely run out of money---"

I'm going to be honest with you, this was the moment where I started laughing right in that man's face.

"---I'm sorry, believe me I'm not a bum, I've never gone up to anyone in my life and asked for money but we are just trying to get home, we're hungry, I mean we're hungry---"

You don't look hungry, you quarter-ton-er.

"---and I'm a 49-year-old Christian man and if there's anything I could give to you in return---"

Like what, Christian man? I thought you were broke.

"---then I will absolutely come back and give it to you---"

Ew, pervert.

"---but I would just really appreciate your help right now."

I'm sitting there.

Looking cool.


I couldn't help it.

"I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you, it's just this is the third time this week...nevermind. Here, I have three dollars, I hope that helps."

"Thank you so much. If there's anything I could give to you---"

You could give me my three dollars back, asshole.

"No, no, it's fine. Don't worry about it."

"Thank you so much. This will come back to you in some way."

Yeah since the first time I gave someone money it came back a second and a third time.

And I start cracking up. I mean, this is beyond ridiculous. I have now given THREE bums cash in a span of SIX days. That's a bum every other day. It's just not what I need. I JUST got money for graduation and I've already given away ten dollars of it to one limper, one smoker, and one christian man. I mean it's getting to the point where I'm gonna start going by Jesus.

1 comment:

Ally said...

they weren't bums - they were drug addicts!