Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Show Me The Money

I need cash and I need it quick. It was only 12 years ago that I was told money does not grow on trees, and I haven't gotten over it since. The weird thing is, it never occurred to me that a tree would be a place for money to grow until I was told that it does not grow there, which really just doesn't make sense at all. Ever since that moment of---

"Money doesn't grow on trees, Natasha."

---I have been contemplating if money grows anywhere at all. I mean, who said money grows? I assume it does indeed grow somewhere, since if it didn't, why would you even add the "on trees?" Wouldn't you just say:
"Money doesn't grow, Natasha." But no, it's 'money doesn't grow...on trees." Which means, "Money doesn't grow...on trees, that is..." Did you catch the difference there? By adding "that is," I have not only proved my point but made my point sound quite mysterious, as well. ON. TREES. So money grows...somewhere else? I've actually found it incredibly easy to think of some likely candidates for discrete locations money could grow.

1. Bushes
2. Tulip Buds

3. My Grandfather's Mustache

Because of this recent epiphany of mine, there are two things I have been asking myself.

1. Where THE HELL does money grow?

2. Where can I buy money seeds to

With these money seeds, which I'm assuming, no...which I'm
inferring, do exist since in order for something to grow it must begin as a SEED, or any other S-word with the long-E sound, (yes, I do mean what you may be thinking I mean) I could make billions. Literally, make billions. What would occur if a girl like me was growing billions in her backyard?

1. I would give billions to the poor.

2. I would give billions to sick children who can't afford medicine.

3. I would build billions of giant pools in my backyard.

See? If a girl like me had money seeds, there would be no starving people, no sick people, and I would be incredibly tan. Basically, it would bring about world peace. There's a reason the words 'peace' and 'seeds'
almost rhyme. Because they're almost the exact same thing.




, all I'm asking is if anyone knows where these damn money seeds are, please let me know. I have things to buy, college things, things a college student needs, such as:

1. a laptop

2. textbooks

stylin' clothes

Obviously these things are a MUST. Therefore, I MUST have money. It's not my fault that I don't have a job. It's called
laziness, people, and it's not easily cured. Jobs are for people who like to "earn" things. People who like to "deserve" what they get. People who look down upon two of my best talents:

1. Mooching

2. Thanking People For Giving Me Things

So what? You have a job. Well that's damn dandy if you like to serve other people and be stranger's bitches, but I'd rather give out my address and see who mails me some cash. I mean, let's use some math here.
ONE Natasha gives FOUR HUNDRED people ONE envelope for themselves and ONE envelope for a friend of theirs and asks for at least FIVE dollars, what is the ratio of people who WILL send Natasha money in comparison to the ratio of people who WON'T and then WILL be found mysteriously dead one week later?

Calculating answer...

...still calculating...

...there's a reason I took
Pre-Cal 2 years in a row...

Alright, according to my calculations, approximately LOTS of people will send Natasha a rounded sum of SOME money and she will have about ENOUGH bills to buy some cool shit.
Therefore, YOU, the Y variable in this equation, have FOUR options.

1. Tell me where money grows.

2. Buy me some money seeds.

3. Mail me your money.

4. Mail me your mom's money.

All proceeds will be put to very good use, I assure you.

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