Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Unconditional Love In A Diaper

I am sorry to say that I do not possess the common "obsession" with the round balls of blubber you most often find disguised behind a pair of overalls. I'm talkin' babies here, people. Babies. Now, most girls my age tend to talk about these little morsels of lard not only every minute, but also as if they are the solution to happiness. Are you depressed? HAVE A BABY! Are you a closet homosexual? HAVE A BABY! Are you shooting up Monday through Sunday? HAVE A BABY!

"Oh, I can't wait till I have a baby!"
14-year-old Samantha

"Oh, I wish I could have a baby right now!"
15-year-old Kelly

"I do have a baby!"
16-year-old Penelope

"Well I have TWO babies so suck it!"
17-year-old Bonnie

"Your BABY will suck it!"

"That's BABIES you bitch!"
Bonnie, again

"Well your son's a BASTARD!"
Penelope, makin it personal

"Fuck you, scabby nips!"
Bonnie, being a hypocrite

The whole baby-infatuation baffles me. I get women who grow up, get married, and want to have a baby. I mean what the hell else is there to do? A baby isn't like a pet, man. I mean yeah, it drools and shits and you punish it by securing it to one single location in the entire house, such as a corner, (in my household we call it "the naughty corner") (it's not for me) (I've never been to "the naughty corner") (or any corner for that matter), but a baby is for LIFE. There's no redo's with a baby. No returns, either. You also can't trade your baby with other mom's babies in the hospital, though I think that would solve many problems.

"Look, honey, she has my mother's eyes."

"Ha...you mean MY mother's eyes."

"No, your mother is an evil, conniving bitch and my baby is none of those things."

"Let's not argue over who's mother is a bigger bitch; this is about our new daughter."

"Oh, so you think my mother's a bitch, do you?"

"That's it, NURSE!"


"We're arguing a lot over our baby's features."

"Oh, well let me take care of that."



"Now just give me that one and I'll give you this one."

"Oh, look, honey! See that man over there in the waiting room? Our new daughter has his same uni brow!"

"Oh, honey, you're exactly right!"

I think the reason the whole "babies are god, god is babies" or however you wanna phrase that, ordeal bothers me so much is because I know I would be a terrible mother. But I wouldn't think that. I would do things thinking I was doing what a mother should do when really every other mother on the planet and Planet X (whatever happened to that?) would look down on me for doing. Because just like every baby looks like a old man's wrinkly ass, every mother has to raise her child in the same way. That's why there are BOOKS on "raising you kid," you know, since it shouldn't come naturally or anything, since it's not nature taking its course, since some old broad sat down and decided that not one other woman knows that it's good to communicate with your adolescent, since a mother's instinct is really just to ignore the thing and leave it in the kitchen somewhere. Since, as a mother, I have not already assumed that I "shouldn't feed young children tiny plastic toys" because it never occurred to me that "babies can choke on tiny plastic toys" since, as a new mother, I have filled my house with "tiny plastic toys" just so I can prove how good of a mother I am by putting these "tiny plastic toys" away and doing so when other people can see me doing so. I hope you're following. I just know I would be the weirdo mother who lets her kids watch R-rated movies and thinks a "balanced meal" is food on a scale, and then neighbors would think I'm a drug dealer because my kids eat french fries on a scale and they'd think I was hiding druggies in their huggies or some weird shit cause neighbors are just stalkers with a shorter distance to stalk and so then they'd call the cops and the cops would walk in and we'd all be naked because I think it's incredibly unnecessary for children to wear clothes and I wouldn't want to be the outcast and then the cops would ask me why no one has clothes on and then I'd say my kids' skin is just so soft they can't wear clothes and I'd stroke their skin but since I'd be naked as well it'd look like incest pedophilia and I'd be taken to jail and what kind of mother could I be there? EXACTLY.

It's not that I hate babies; believe me, there is something fiercely appealing about having someone who will always love and adore you for the rest of your life even when your husband's left you and you think power walking is exercise. That's beautiful. It's unconditional love in a diaper. But now is not the time girls my age are supposed to be looking forward to that. I mean talk about the stupidest mothers in the world.

"So I was like teaching my babAY to grind and like my best friend PollAY was like, 'oh my god megan you cannot teach your babAY to grind that's just like wrong' and I'm like 'every girl needs to know how to grind PollAY' and she's like, 'but your babAY is only two' and I'm like, 'PollAY, it's never too early to start teaching your girl to give a guy a boner' and she's like, 'oh my god megan you are SO right!' and I'm like, 'duh, I'm a MOM now, hello?" and she's like, 'i am just so silLAY i want a babAY' and I'm like, 'it's really not that hard to like get one' and she's like, 'you're right i totally should get one' and then we were just teaching my babAY to grind but then I left her with my mom so I could go to the club and do some grinding myself.'

-just so you know, I didn't just make that up. Not in the least bit

All I know is that if I were an 18-year-old guy, I'd be looking for junk in the trunk, not a mummy with a tummy. But maybe that's just me.

1 comment:

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