Tuesday, August 4, 2009


I don't understand the traditional "first dates." Not only do I not understand them, I think they are stupid. Not only do I think they are stupid, but I plan to never take part in them unless I want my future relationship with said person to be doomed for life. For instance, if I met a guy who I didn't particularly like, and he asked me out on a date, and I couldn't say no because another guy I particularly did like was standing two feet away and therefore could hear me and Lame-O's conversation, I would have to say yes, but after saying yes, I would say something like, "How about bowling?"


So you've both decided to go bowling. Bowling is fun, right? You toss a ball into some pins while at the same time giving your date a good look at your ass. Seems too good to be true. OH, BUT WAIT! Have you forgotten why people go on dates? To get to know each other, that's why. To scope someone out to see if you like them enough to ask them out again. So what happens after you bowl? You walk back, and as you're sitting down, what does your date do? HE gets up to bowl. And he does. And then after he bowls, what do you do? YOU get up to bowl, while he's what? WHILE HE'S TAKING A SEAT. And once you've taken another turn, does he stay seated? Oh no. There he goes again, getting up to bowl. And this happens how many times? TEN! Ten out of how many? TEN! And what if you play two games? THAT'S TWENTY TIMES! Twenty times of up/down, up/down, hey/bye, strike?/yep!, how/are/you?/good!. I mean, seriously? I haven't even mentioned the awkwardness of you going up to bowl and bowling straight into the gutter. The gutter part isn't awkward; it happens to the best of us, but after that? After you deemed that ball one of the gutter? You have to turn around, make some kind of "oh well" gesture to your date, or laugh at yourself when really you want to cry, or pretend it never happened and walk back, but then you have 20-something feet to walk back! You just made an ass of yourself and then not only do you have to immediately face your date, you have to walk...and walk...and walk...and walk back towards him. Do you make eye contact the whole time you're walking back? Do you make it once then look down? Do you look him in the eye then pretend like you saw something really interesting to the left, then when he turns to look at what you're looking at, you run to your seat to end the torture faster? Or do you do something sexual, like stare him in the eye and lick your lips so he forgets all about the gutter ball? Then maybe he'll forget about bowling entirely and you can get the hell outta there. I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO IN THAT SITUATION! THAT'S WHY I'M TELLING YOU: BOWLING IS A BAD, BAD, BAD FIRST DATE.

The Movies

Ahhh, yet another outing that somehow made it to be prime first date rib and I don't know how the hell it did. The movies. I won't even mention the fact that movies cost more than if I had bought the date to go to the movies with. Shit, I did just mention it, didn't I? Well, might as well mention it again! MOVIES ARE EXPENSIVE AS FUCK WE NEED TO ORGANIZE A SIT-IN AND DO IT PRONTO FUCK THE CINEMA AND ITS KERNEL-COVERED FLOORS. So you pay for a movie, you walk in, and he asks you if you want popcorn. And you think, "Oh, how nice, he's willing to pay for my popcorn." NO, BITCH, NOT NICE. The only reason he's offering is because he wants popcorn, which you realize once you decline and he still gets in the popcorn line, which, in the first date world, is more commonly known as the Don't You Dare Expect Me To Kiss You When This Night Is Over When You Have A Large Bag of Buttery Kernels All In Between Your Teeth Ew Ew Ew line. So you walk into the movie, it's dark, it's dank, this place is actually a good first date location if your date is hard on the eyes, but I'm not taking the uglies into consideration at this moment. You sit down, and you think of something witty. Something hilarious, something catchy and clever, something that will make your date realize you're the only girl for him. You're the one. It's fate. It's destiny. It's the moment to make him fall head over heels in love with you. You turn to him,

"Hey, haha, have you ever thought---"

"Look, the previews are starting!"

You slink back into your seat. That mother fucker loves previews. Why didn't you take that into consideration BEFORE you thought of the seal-dealer? But wait, you recognize the actor in the preview! You used to love him as a kid! You turn to your date,

"Hey, that's James What's-His-Name! I used to---"

"Wait, hold on, I really want to see this movie!"

He leans into the screen. Then some hot-lookin-babe in a bikini comes on and he's forgotten all about you. And there you are, self-conscious, insecure, and regretting that you didn't make the sucker buy you some damn popcorn. Is your date the kind who talks during the whole movie or only does if you do, or does he not talk and despises when anyone mutters a single word, or does he want to talk but will only do so once you start talking and you're waiting to talk until he talks and so now the fuck what? You're fucked, that's what. And as soon as the thought of "I'm fucked" punches you in the face, the movie starts, and what do you and your date do for the next 2 hours? You sit. In silence. Staring. Going to the Movies can be summarized into the 4 S's. SIT. SILENT. STARE. SUCK. Well guess what, date number one? I hated the curtain you were hidden behind in the first place, and now you haven't spoken to me the past hour and a half that I've been talking to myself, and you see these past events as stepping stones to you giving me the twizzlers you should've bought me in the first place all over my neck? NO, WARREN BEATTY WANNABE! Are you going to urinate in the theatre or is your zipper starring in the next Hitchcock film? NO, ROB LOWE STALKER! Are we searching for props that could have made it into the movie? NO, SO STOP GRABBING MINE YOU HUGH JACKMAN JACK-OFFER! There are many dark places that don't require physical deeds to be done, such as: my grandma's closet, the doghouse in my backyard, and behind those bushes over there. NO. NO. NO. If that's what you wanted right from the get-go, you shouldn't of bought popcorn, you
should've bought a date. Yes, I do realize that I mention prostitutes quite often in my writing. It's not that I'm obsessed; they're just so damn convenient. Once you leave the movie, all you talk about is THE movie. As if two hours about one movie wasn't enough, now I'm gonna let that same movie take up another 2 hours of my mortal life and then days from now continue to do so whenever someone brings up the film. Has it ever hit you why it's called a CIN-E-MA? CIN, as in sin? As in Enid Strict would be all up in that bizz-nazz whether she thought it was special or not. As in GOING TO THE MOVIES ON A FIRST DATE IS HELL.


Cliche, I know. But what many people don't know is how this question should be asked.

"Wanna grab a cup of joe?"

DECLINE. What decade was it cool in to say a man's name instead of "coffee?" None. No decade. Meaning it was never cool. Meaning either this guy is so insecure he tries to hold on to the last of the trends that just never quite made it, or hes cocky enough to try to start his own retarded trends and his guinea pigs in this experiment are potential-dates. Stay away from the Average-Joe.

"Hey I was thinkin' me and you could sit down, grab some coffee, talk for a bit, catch up, you tell me about yourself, I'll tell you about myself, but mostly just enjoy some espresso."

DECLINE. If using the term "espresso" didn't immediately channel your inner gaydar, you need to avoid men who talk too much. I mean, that's what? 33 words? All to ask you to get coffee with him? Imagine how much he's gonna talk once you actually obtain the coffee! And you KNOW a guy like this is gonna be a foamster. "Extra foam, please." God, that's embarrassing. Tell him to write you his autobiography and bring it on the date. That'll save some time. Or you could just spill your coffee all over it, piss him off, then he'll leave, and if he doesn't, you can still leave because you''ll then spill his coffee all over the white blouse you purposefully wore on this date in hopes of a clumsy waiter, until you decided to take matters into your own hands.

"Hey, movies suck. So does bowling. Wanna just, like, go get some coffee?"


Then you can talk, and laugh, and get free refills, then get all hyper and see if he still likes you when you're fucked up on Java, which he will, because he's more fucked up on Java then you are and he's still goin' at it, and pretty soon the two of you will be goin' at it together because this brown-bean-bloke is the one and you know it.

But come on. As if that'll ever happen. Chances are you'll go get the coffee with the man who makes you laugh and then it turns out you make him laugh more than he makes you laugh and you're the funny one in this situation and you didn't want to be the funny one you wanted HIM to be the funny one and now you're screwed and your coffee burnt your tongue and THIS, my friends, is why I don't go on dates.

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