How To Lose A Roommate In Ten Days

It's only my third week in Dorm Life and I already feel complete and utter SUCCESS in my Ultimate Quest To Piss Off My Roommates, also known as, How To Lose A Roommate In Ten Days, also known as, What I Do Instead of Homework, also known as, I'm Immature So What Fuck Off.

Luckily, there are 4 of us total, and luckily, one of them shares my unexplained impulses to make other people feel incredibly uncomfortable in their very own home. Sure, you could do the typical things, like play loud music, leave your trash everywhere, bring a boy back and make loud noises with him till the wee hours of the morning, bring ten boys back and make ten times the noise till the wee hours of the morning, but none of these things quite spark my interest. My Partner in Crime and I (it has struck me that you must have a partner in crime when it comes to these things; otherwise, it's just "majority rules" and you lose) have together come up with not five, but SIX creative but easy ways to make your roommates want to smother you in your sleep that, yes, we have in fact put to the test. Enjoy.

1. When your roommates spend 4 whole days decorating the living room with color-coordinated couch cushions and have hung on the walls black and white photographs as well as paintings, tell them you want to help decorate. This alone will freak them out. Watch their facial expressions significantly change when you say you're going to go to Dollar General to buy the stuff you think would look great. Come back with a giant Jeff Gordon poster and stick it right next to the Painting of Tulips.

2. Blow up one or two condoms and tape them to the walls. At first, your roommates will think you have just been hiding a secret talent for making balloon animals. Then, when they realize they cannot figure out what animal you have made, (is it a worm? a caterpillar? a maggot?), they will most likely move in closer and then see that it is just an inflated Trojan. Magnum-sized. You may wake up the next morning to find that your strategically placed rubbers are now strategically placed in the trash can. But this is why you bought a pack of condoms, not just one.

3. As soon as Autumn rolls around, suggest that you decorate your dorm with "Autumn-like" things. Knowing that Jeff Gordon has nothing to do with the season of Fall, your roommates will be ecstatic. Trek it back to Dollar General and come back with an innocent little scarecrow to hang on the front door. When your roommates have left, cut a hole in the scarecrow's pants and glue one of his hands in there. Then, splash a few dollops of white-out onto his pants. Now, not only will he scare away the crows, he will scare away your roommates. All with gizz in his pants.

4. Purchase a brand new set of chalk. Colored, preferably, though white chalk will do just fine. When your roommates walk out the front door, be seated on your balcony with newly purchased chalk and be drawing girly things, like flowers, or ponies, or ponies in flowers. As soon as they are out of sight, begin to draw giant penises right outside your front door. Don't have them all look the same, try changing up the size, shape, or action the giant penis is partaking in. It may be tempting to just write the word 'PENISSSSS.' Do not do this. Please remember that a picture speaks a thousand words.

5. There will be a time where one of you will get sick. It is likely that once one of you gets sick, all of you will. Put on a smile and offer to buy everyone cough drops. Return with bags and bags of cough drops. Also return with rolls and rolls of double-sided tape. Stick one-inch strips of tape onto walls, cupboards, cabinets, and your roommate's bananas. Carefully smack a cough drop onto each strip. Voila! Feng shui and on-the-go throat lozenges.

6. Go buy a kitten. Do not consult your roomies about this, just go do it. Come home with kitten. When Roommates tell you that you cannot keep this kitten because you could all get expelled since pets are against school policy, tell them to fuck off.

Now, keep in mind that you must do all of these things in the middle of the night while your roommates are sleeping. Then, the next day, do not mention any of these things you have done. Just act like nothing happened. Nonchalantly grab a cough drop off of the milk in the fridge, don't even look at the scarecrow jacking off, and continue to change your new kitten's litter box. It's much more satisfying that way, I assure you.