The 7 Habits of Highly Defective College Students

When I was in high school, I was given Sean Covey's 1998 book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens. I read the book, which, at 15 years old, meant I opened the cover, folded it back, and closed it. Covey doesn't include this as one of his effective habits, but he should have, because any teen feels quite accomplished after turning 300 pages into 1. 

Without even reading the book, I know that Covey's list includes 7 habits. (Impressive, huh? The good ol' Title-Reading trick! - Works every time.) Well actually, there are 8, because he snuck an unnumbered one in at the end. That's right, Seany-Boy, we're onto you. Thought if you just didn't number it, we wouldn't notice, did ya? Thought young adults couldn't count that high, did ya? Well you ain't foolin' NOBODY. Got some prejudice toward 8, do ya? Got some weird fetish for the number 7, do ya? Got ----

...okay. I'm going to stop bullying the retired author now. I'll also stop speaking like someone who'd own a tommy gun.

My question is: why write a book for teenagers? They don't count. How about we write a useful manual for the highest class of our progressing society? No no, not the racial stereotype that just popped into your mind. I'm talkin...college students. Yeah, I'm really onto something here, just like that time I came up with socks for the head. (If "hats" hadn't been invented centuries ago, I would have really made bank with my Hocks.)

Below, I have listed each of Covey's habits of effective teens, followed by my own rendition of the habits of defective EFFECTIVE college students.

Teenagers
Habit 1 - Be Proactive
I Am the Force

College Kids
Stay inactive
The Snooze Button is the Force

Teenagers
Habit 2 - Begin with the End in Mind
Control Your Own Destiny or Someone Else Will

College Kids
Begin with a Laundromat in Mind

Wash Your Own Clothes or No One Else Will

 

Teenagers
Habit 3 - Put First Things First
Will and Won't Power

College Kids

Put First Things Last

Will and Will Do Eventually Power

Teenagers
Habit 4 - Think Win-Win
Life Is an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

College Kids

Think Taco-Bell

Life Is a Dollar-Menu-Luxury

Teenagers
Habit 5 - Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
You have two ears and one mouth...Hel-lo!

College Kids

Seek First to Drink, Then to Be Understood By Absolutely No One

You have ten shots and one mouth...Hssssllllloooowhaaaa???

Teenagers
Habit 6 - Synergize
The "High" Way

College Kids

Legalize

The "High" Way

Teenagers
Habit 7 - Sharpen the Saw
It's "Me Time"

College Kids

Dull the Inhibitions

It's "Do Me Time"

Teenagers
Keep hope alive!
Kid, You'll Move Mountains

College Kids
Keep yourself alive!
Kid, a Metaphorical Mountain Isn't Gonna Help You Anymore