Tuesday, November 5, 2013

The Toaster Incident

How My Morning Started

1. I'm awoken by high-pitched squeals of children coming from outside my window. These aren't the innocent giggles you'd expect from little kids. Instead, I'm listening to incessant chanting of, "FAT GIRL ON A LITTLE BIKE! FAT GIRL ON A LITTLE BIKE!"

...that poor girl. But more importantly, poor me. I still had two minutes left to sleep before that fat girl decided to ride that little bike.

2. I rise to get out of bed. As soon as I put my foot down, I start rolling forward on an overturned Gatorade bottle that was lying on my floor. I roll straight into my closed bedroom door, slam my entire body into it, and fall down.

...this should've been a sign to go back to bed.

3. My cat, who doesn't care at all that I almost broke my neck, starts licking its asshole. 

...it then comes over and continues its licking - this time on my face. Now, not only do I have a bruised face, but I also have butthole-infused-bruises on that same face I mentioned earlier (my own).

3. I pick up the hat that I wore ALL DAY yesterday, and as I'm putting it back on for Day Two, I notice something inside of it.

...a pair of underwear.

So all day yesterday, I was wearing underwear on my head. For all I know, a bit of underwear escaped the rim of my beanie at some point throughout the day, leaving many passerbys wondering who let the crazy underwear-head-woman out of the asylum.

4. I get into the car with my roommate, who drives me to school in the mornings. As we're talking, he mentions that he has a toaster to bring into our apartment.

"A toaster?!" I exclaim, acting as if all toasters were as little and as brave as that One... 

"Yeah," he says, suddenly reaching in the backseat for it as we round a curve.

"AHHHHH!" we scream, as the car sharply veers off the road. We would have been screaming for our own lives - if it wasn't for some damn pedestrian in the way.

Damn Pedestrian, a young, long-haired backpacker, LEAPS out of the way, falling onto the ground. From his reclined position, he raises his arms and ejects both middle fingers, yelling something that I couldn't hear over my roommate's shouts of, "I'M STILL DRUNK! I'M STILL DRUNK! I'M --- COP!"

We then veer out of the way of a cop car we almost collide with and continue driving, anticipating the moment we get pulled over for going 30 miles over the speed limit, almost hitting a hippie, and almost wrecking a cop car.

Surprisingly, we don't get pulled over. Maybe the police officer went to see if the pedestrian had any broken bones (though his middle fingers seemed to be working just fine).

5. I'm twenty minutes late to class.

...this was a highlight to my morning.

One of my high school teachers once told me, "If you spill your coffee in the morning, it's a sign you need to go back to bed." I always followed that rule until this morning. Now, that rule has been revised: If you realize you were wearing underwear on your head all day yesterday, it's a sign you need to stay in bed forever.

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