The last time I babysat, a number of things happened that really just shouldn't of happened. First, the kids' mom decides she is going to stay home to "observe" me as I watched the little tykes. Way lay on the pressure there, lady. Next, the kid throws a glass candle holder at my forehead. Then, he pulls down his pants, grabs his little sister's hand, and starts screaming, "Touch my wee-wee! Touch my wee-wee!" At this, the mom decides it is an appropriate time to intervene, but instead of saying, "Stop committing incest." or "Flashing is illegal." she simply states, "Remember Johny, we don't call it a wee-wee, we call is a penis." as if saying the correct term for it makes it okay to whip it out without warning. Last, the boy takes out a book with a menorah on the cover, and his mother explains, "Oh yes, we're Jewish." to where I reply, "Oh! Do you know Betsy?" as if her being Jewish means she must know every OTHER Jew there is in the world. It was even worse when she politely answered, "Sorry, no." giving me the cue to say, "Oh, well she's my Jewish friend." GOOD. GOD. Could I BE more of an idiot? I think I can safely blame my brief absence in brains on the previous boinking of the candle holder or the R-rated full-frontal of a minor. It was at that moment I made the crucial decision to never babysit again, until I got paid. That's right, FIFTEEN BIG ONES, BABY! And it was at THAT moment I decided that if were to pursue this destiny, I would never be like the babysitters that I had as a child, because a lot of them just...sucked.
Nancy, the chef
"Nancy, I'm hungry."
"Well I'm making lunch right now."
"It's not for you, it's for me."
"Oh, well can I have some, please?"
"But I'm so hungry!"
"Did you eat breakfast?"
"Then you don't need any more food."
"But breakfast was a long time ago."
"You shouldn't be hungry."
"But all I had was a popsicle!"
"That should last you until tomorrow."
"But Mommy lets me eat more than one time a day."
"So? You've eaten for the day, you don't get anything else. Now go away so I can make my toasted ham and cheese melt and my french fries and my strawberry-banana smoothie."
Laura, the football fan
"Do you want to watch some T.V.?"
"What do you want to watch?"
"Oh, there's a football game on right now. Barney will come on after it, I'm sure."
"But this isn't the Barney channel."
"I SAID THERE'S A FOOTBALL GAME ON RIGHT NOW!"
"Okay...can I have a snack?"
"Sure, have some grapes."
"STOP SMACKING YOUR GRAPES YOU LITTLE TWERP! I CAN'T HEAR THE CALLS THE REF IS MAKING!"
"It's okay, sweetie. The game is almost over. Then we can play a game."
"I MISSED THE WINNING TOUCHDOWN! I MISSED THE TOUCHDOWN BECAUSE YOU WERE TALKING TO ME YOU LITTLE STINKER! $*%! F!#& @$$ ^%^!"
Marge, the tattoo artist
"What's that on your ankle, Miss Marge?"
"It's a sea lion."
"What's that underneath it?"
"That says "Larry."
"Is Larry the sea lion's name?"
"No, Larry was my husband until he came home drunk one night at 3 in the morning and held a gun to my head and told me he was gonna shoot me but then I kicked him in the groin and called the cops and they came and arrested the piece of crap and now he's in jail so I'm gonna get it removed once my other ex-husband decides to obey the law and pay child support."
"What's a groin?"
Lily, the one who refused to help me use the toilet
"Lily, will you help me use the toilet?"
Where are these girls now? If only I knew...for if I knew I'd tell them that to be a babysitter, you must set a positive example for the child, for she will look up to you and model herself after you, and that they are lucky that I turned out to be normal after they mistreated me and made me feel little and unimportant, for a babysitter is not only a sitter of babies, but a role model for growing children around the world. Or I'd just honk their nose and pull their underwear over their head.