I've never been "a new kid." I've been a kid, but never a new one. I've always had a secret desire to be "a new kid." Everyone knows "the new kid." Everyone is interested in "the new kid." Half the students will ask, "Hey, have you seen "the new kid"?" and the other half will say, "YES!" because that's what "new kids" are. They're the center of attention, the topic of discussion, the apple of many eyes. Not that I crave attention or anything...not that I want to be on everyone's mind...not that I want to be the mystery everyone wants to uncover (figuratively that is)...I just want to be new and a kid. "The new kid."
I've had my share of new kids in high school. And yes, even though it's high school, the name doesn't change. They are not new teens or new young adults, they're still a new kid. New kids come and go, and as sad as it may be, there comes a time where they are not new any longer. They must forget the new kid status and hand the crown over to someone else, because a new kid will always come along. And there cannot be more than one new kid at a time. I mean, come on, think about it. There can't be a new kid and a newER kid. And newEST kid? Please. New kids are a rare specimen. Only one can exist at a time. Over the years a good supply of memorable new kids have accumulated in my memory. So forget top ten movies of all time, top ten romantic get-aways, top ten things to do on a rainy day, top ten ways you can sit on a noodle, I'm talking about something bigger. Something better. Something...new. That's right. I'm talking about...Top Ten New Kids.
1. "the new kid" with lips so chapped we mistaked him for Bobo the Clown
2. "the new kid" with uncontrollable impluses to do "the worm" in the middle of history class
3. "the new kid" who claims her mother adopted a demon baby from Mary Bloody Mary
4. "the new kid" who drinks chocolate milk through her nose and insists on calling every female, "Bra Queen"
5. "the new kid" whose hobbies include mountain biking, fitting as many baby carrots into her mouth as humanly possible, and orgies
6. "the new kid" who threatened to cut my butt off with a chainsaw and fry it on a frying pan until it was as flat as a pancake
7. "the new kid" who payed boys to sit with her at lunch and answer to her nicknames, such as "puppy wuppy" and "boo boo bear"
8. "the new kid" who wrote me a letter confessing all the wrongs she had done and telling me i was the right friend for her, begging for my forgiveness, even though we had never spoken before
9. "the new kid" who tucked his pants into the front of his socks
10. "the new kid" who tucked his socks into the front of his pants
Ahhhh new kids...what would we do without them?