Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Gay Baby-Maker

Quote me on this: AWKWARD MOMENTS MAKE FUNNY STORIES. So yeah, I may put myself in awkward situations quite often, and yeah, some of them may be intentional. But at least I'm admitting it. I'm not one of those wannabe-awkward-people who always say "This is soooo awkwarddddd..." when it's really not awkward at all. And I'm not one of those desperate-wannabe-awkward-people who blurt out, "Awkward silence!" when someone's in the middle of saying something because they just WANT an awkward silence. Because everyone knows that if someone is in the middle of telling a story, and you interrupt to alert everyone that there has been a silence and the silence is an awkward one, when really there was no silence at all but a person trying to tell you something, a silence WILL in fact occur soon after. Because that IS awkward. And yes, you DO seem desperate. I'm not one of those. I'm just one who likes being put in awkward situations so I can tell someone later. And I won't end the story with, "And it was SO awkward!" because the listener will have already inferred that. Because I'm just that good.

One of the most awkward things is when you run into someone from your past. Not like, an old friend or an ex-boyfriend, I mean someone you kinda knew but not real well. First name basis, sure, but not hang out on the weekend basis.

So you never really were great friends but all of a sudden you're incredibly excited to see this person? I know, it doesn't make sense. But that's because it's awkward. It's not like you can greet them like you would two years ago when you weren't really friends. "Hey." IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS. You can't act like you see them everyday! It's just weird!

"Oh hey Natasha."
Yet some people don't seem to get this.

Yeah. I'm one of those who always says the awkward-slogan-sounding phrases like, "How's the FAM?!" even though I've never met their "fam" and didn't even know if they have a "fam." The most awkward thing is when you make a "yo momma" joke to someone who doesn't have a mom. Yeah, I've done that. And yes, some idiot beside me thought it would make the situation A LOT better to say, "Awkwarddddd..." as if I didn't know that making a joke about whales singing "We Are Family" when her mom went swimming in the ocean to a girl who's mom is dead wasn't awkward.

"Good. You?"
Should I leave? Or should I stay and make small talk when the fact is obvious that I'm making small talk? I'm TRYING to make big talk but it's kinda a two-way thing, and I'm the only one givin any ummph to this, you know? So it's really not my fault. THEY are the ones making it awkward.

Yeah. I'm about to bring up the only memory I have with this person, since we weren't really good friends to begin with, but I'll act like it was the best memory of my life and maybe they'll chime in to the excitement.

"Remember when Ms. Cook sent us out of the room for laughing so much at Jane for crying when her bangs wouldn't stay down? OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO HILARIOUS REMEMBER?"

"Yeah I don't really remember that."
So much for the whole chiming thing.

"Remember when you made fun of my outfit when you thought I wasn't standing right behind you?"
Man this is getting awkward. Time for me to do the small-talk.

"No sorry, don't, playin any sports?"

"I got to go. My mom is calling me."
On what? You're invisible phone? She must really be hating this conversation. THIS IS SO AWKWARD.

Why do I say stupid things like this when we both know I'm not going to start seeing her all the time now? I may never even see her again. Should I get her phone number? NO THAT'S AWKWARD.

Okay. I know I said I wasn't the type to make the awkwardness known, but sometimes you just have to let everyone know that you YES, you ARE aware that it's awkward. Because how awkward is it when one person thinks it's really awkward but thinks that you don't think it's awkward at all? PRETTY DAMN AWKWARD, THAT'S HOW AWKWARD.

Someone told me once that every time there is an awkward silence a gay baby is born. I have made A LOT of gay babies. I am a gay baby-maker. If only I got paid for this. "Awkwarddd...." is the new, "BITCHIN!" which
was the new, "Groovy!" which was the new...errr..."What a splendid fellow!" yeah I have no idea. THE POINT IS-our generation seems to have a need to make things awkward. And we let you know about it. You older folk go through all these awkward situations and think the only thing you can do is grit your teeth and trudge through it. Well I say, quit the trudging! Don't grit your teeth! Once you feel it coming on, remember the wise words of Natasha Ferrier: AWKWARD MOMENTS MAKE FUNNY STORIES. And then once the awkwardness has completed, and there's that ear-piercing, gut-wrenching silence, all you got to do is open your mouth and say: "Awkward..."

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