Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Thunder and Thighs

Teenagers and sex go together like thunder and thighs. It's a known fact. Freshmen year it's, "Austin and Allie kissed!" Sophomore year it's, "Austin and Allie are hooking up!" Then junior year it's, "Austin and Allie are doing it!" And by the way, yes. Seventeen-year-olds still use the term, "doing it." Having sex sounds too formal, and making love isn't exactly what all teenagers are doing. They're just...doing it. Doing. IT. It's perfect really. "It" as in the phrase and "it" and in "IT."

"Excuse me, is this Laney's house?"

Rule number one: NEVER approach a car with the only sign of humans being in the car is a pair of legs sticking out the back window.

"Yep! You can go inside if you want!"

Rule number two: NEVER stand with your mouth hanging open when a naked person emerges from the back seat of the car that you should NOT have approached in the first place to tell you you can go inside. It's rude. And awkward.

"Thanks...sorry to have interrupted..."

Rule number three: NEVER apologize for interrupting what you should NOT have interrupted in the first place. What you should do is immediately leave and let them go back to doing it. Because if you stand there apologizing it will only cause the boy to step out, also naked, and start to put his pants back on, and the girl will then give you a dirty look because not only have you interrupted, but now you have ENDED what you should not have even interrupted in the first place. Comprende?

"I'm really sorry...go on back to what you were doing..."

Rule number four: There isn't a rule number four because you should have followed the first three rules and there is no rule to prevent you from being a complete effing idiot.

NEWS FLASH! THIS JUST IN! Teenage guys are not any more obsessed with sex than girls are. They just think that their obsession must lead to results, and girls know that if you must always have results you might get genital herpes.

"So we were making out..."


"On the couch."

"No I mean where?"

"Where what?"

"Where were his hands?"

"I don't really remember."

"Well how am I supposed to imagine this if I don't know where his hands were?"

"I mean, you don't really have to imagine it...I'd actually rather you NOT."

Please. People always imagine a story when it's being told. As if a sexual story is some kind of acception. Everyone imagines two people getting it on if someone is talking about two people getting it on. I mean, I do... Shit. Is that not normal? Its not like I can help it...whatever I'm sure you do it, too. Shit.

"Okay whatever. Continue."

"So I get thirsty, right? I mean, we were goin' at it for kinda a long time...so I'm starting to crave some lemonade, you know?"

"Lemonade. SO good."

"So I go into the kitchen, get a cup, and I turn around to go to the fridge, and Jarrett is standing there with his hand in his pants."

"Like...it was just resting in there...or was he like...you know..."

"I hope you're not imagining this."


"Well he wasn't...you know. I didn't know what he was doing, until he just sorta...whips it out."

"Whips out his..."

"I REALLY hope you're not imagining this."

"Well it's kinda hard not to when you use phrases like, "WHIPS IT OUT." "

"Well that's what he did. He just whipped out his...you know. And we haven't really gotten to anything below the belt sooo..."

"So that was your first time seeing his..."

"Thing. Yea."

"Well if you're calling his penis a "thing" it's probably best you haven't gone that far yet."

"Well it was weird."


"No not that. I mean it was weird that he did that. Whipped it out and all. No warning. Just...BAM!"

"So was it...small...large..."

"Why so you can IMAGINE it?"

"NO! Well yes."


"How is that awkward?"

"You want to imagine my boyfriend's THING in your MIND!"

"It's not like I WANT to, I'm just trying to GRASP the story HERE! You're the one who brought up your boyfriend's "THING" in the first place! At least I can call it by it's proper name!"

"WHATEVER! Can I just finish my story?"

"Go right on ahead."

"So he's like, "Touch it." And I'm like, "No," cause that's just an awkward way to go about it. And he keeps on insisting, and I keep saying no, but the truth is, I really, really wanted to, so I put down my cup---"



"You say you don't want me to imagine it, and yet you go into this SPECIFIC DETAIL and the truth of the matter is, I KINDA KNOW WHAT'S COMIN' NEXT, SO YOU CAN JUST STOP RIGHT THERE. I'm doing you a FAVOR, here. There's no way I'm having the mental image of you touching your boffy's thing in my head."

"You're the one who just went into detail. You don't HAVE to imagine me grabbing Jarrett's thing."


"What, that you don't have to?"


Everyone is obsessed with sex. We're just the ones who aren't afraid to admit it.


Anna-Banana said...

Glad you're blogging again - Funny stuff!

NedaAnn said...

You have a gift for story telling. Thank you for a wonderfully enjoyable blog.

Jelly Butt said...

This is like Curb Your Enthusiasm for teenagers. And you are Larry David.