Saturday, July 26, 2008

The Modern Mother Goose

It's not that I have anything against them. It's just that I had never seen one before.

"She need ta walk
fasta! Uehh dis chick slow AS HELL!"

Me, a poor, innocent, little freshmen, being bullied just because my poor, innocent, little legs couldn't walk as fast as I needed them to go.

"Then walk around! You lazy b---"

I didn't mean to stop mid-sentence. I didn't mean to stare. I didn't mean to drop my jaw and leave it hanging open. I didn't mean to make it seem like I was going to call her a 'bitch' when really I was going to say 'bum.' I didn't mean to stutter my next few syllables.


I was just so poor and innocent and little...

"What you
lookin' at bitch?"

...and scared and sorry and stuttering out of control...


...and in a state of disbelief for at that moment I was face to face, neck in neck, on the verge of getting into a gruesome brawl with...

"Say it to my face, BITCH-ASS-HO."

The Albino Rhino.


One more and make it five!




Okay Natasha, that's enough. Say you're sorry and run.

"I'm gonna kick yo
lil ass, BITCH."

Or just run.


I had heard the rumors.

"Have you seen the Albino Rhino?"

"That is really mean, Jason."

"But have you seen her?"


"I saw her!"

"You did?!"

"She's HUGE."

"That's really mean, Jason."

"And she's an albino."


When you're a freshmen, EVERYTHING is new and exciting. Teachers, hallways, #2 pencils, and yes, albino students. Cheers to her for going to high school. Not that albinos are too dumb to make it to high school, but high school has some of the meanest, most immature people you will ever meet. Hence her nickname. I'm sure it was one chosen out of thousands, made up by the most insecure teenagers at our school who have nothing better to do than try to be the modern Mother Goose. At least she knows she's not the only one made fun of in high school. EVERYONE gets made fun of in high school. If I had a glass, I'd raise a toast in her honor. But enough about talking about how great she is for her bravery, the girl was a BITCH. A bitch about to kick my ass.

"What you gonna say den, ho?"

First, take a deep breath. NO FIRST CLOSE YOUR GAPING JAW YOU IDIOT. Then comes the deep breath. Then..words.


Okay good enough

By choosing the "whiny-bimbo" approach, I had fooled her into thinking I was too dumb to even be worth a fight. If you ever get stuck in a rut you can't get out of (the original version of the popular slow song, but was quickly changed to "moment" to make it sound less emo), just use this method I have carefully constructed over the years. Cock your head to the side, push both of your eyebrows towards the middle of your forehead at a slightly raised angle, and speak a little like a baby and a little like a bimbo. Voila!

And that's when I speed-walked out of there. Okay, so it was more of a steady jog. Okay, so it was half steady jog, half even run. Okay okay so I sprinted my ass off HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. Of course I went and told everyone I knew, even some people who just looked like I should know them, and of course they were all jealous. For up until then she had been only a legend, an urban myth. I, Natasha
Ferrier the freshmen, had made her real. Hopefully one day she'll get over the fact that she got a real good look at the inside of my mouth for a solid 5 minutes and thank me for it.

1 comment:

dramanerd09 said...

I think I know who you're talking about. She was kinda scary though I never had one of those moments.