Monday, July 21, 2008

No Offense!

"You really dressed like a slut last year."

Anyone's initial reaction to this insulting remark would be something like this:

"Well at least I wasn't a slut, SLUT."

But for some reason people seem to think that this same insult can get a completely different reaction as long as the words, "No offense," are added afterwards.

"You really dressed like a slut last year. No offense."

"Oh, none taken! And you're right. Boy, did I dress like a slut!"

Some people may even give you a bit of a heads up to the offensive observation coming your way by putting the "No offense" at the beginning of the sentence.

"No offense, but..."

With these two milliseconds between the 'but' and the next few words, I mentally and emotionally prepare myself for any hurtful remark. Not only that, I think of every insult they could possibly throw at me and try to think of a way to respond to each and every one, so when really this person only intended to insult me once, they have actually insulted me a thousand times by simply saying, 'No offense,' at the start of their sentence.

"...you really dressed like a slut last year."

"Really? You think so?"

By choosing the oblivious approach, I have only put myself in the position to be insulted even more. Good going there TashMyster.

"Oh my god YEAH! You wore those fishnets, and those other fishnets with bigger nets, and then you wore corsets like every DAY, and really short skirts, and spaghetti straps..."

You would think that an article of clothing featuring the word "spaghetti" would be anything but slutty.

"...and then you had that one shirt that only covered one shoulder..."

And did you hear? They're making shirts AND dresses that don't cover EITHER of your shoulders! They're called...strapless.

"And so YEAH. You dressed like SUCH a slut. No offense."

I remember when I first heard, "No offense." I was in third grade, and my best friend told me my hair looked bad. Immediately after uttering this rude remark, she spat out, "No offense!" and smiled. It was then that I realized she really had not meant to be offensive, thus the phrase, "NO offense." It's not, "Yes! Offense!" meaning "Yes, I DID in fact just mean to offend you by saying you are fat and ugly!" because when you say someone is fat and ugly, "Yes offense" goes without saying, because no one is going to say, "You're fat and ugly. No offense." because first off fat people can be intimidating and secondly that is just really, really mean. So I then took this opportunity to let her know that her underwear always forms into a bulky mass and sticks out of the top of your jeans every time she sits down. I smiled after I admitted this long-term annoyance and said, "No offense." She smiled back and said, "None taken!" and tried her best to smooth out the bulky mass. Then she insulted me (no offense!), I insulted her (no offense!), and we kept on going until every last thing that had pissed us off was out and in the open. If "no offense" had never been said, I would have poked her in the eyeball and she would have poked me in the navel (which is surprisingly just as unpleasant when poked hard enough) and we would have never spoken again. But since we remembered to say "no offense" at the end and/or beginning of every insult (yes, you CAN do both. example: No offense, but you have big bags under your eyes NO OFFENSE. it's a double whammy.), we remained the best of buds and even fixed a few bad habits because of it. (I started to brush ALL my teeth, not just the ones people see when I smile, and she stopped dressing like her mother. She even nixed the pearls. Very thoughtful.) But that was back in third grade.

"Yeah, we were ALL talking about how you were the sluttiest looking sophomore EVER. But I mean, no offense."

"Yes I used to wear fishnets but you are still really ugly."

Yes offense.

"No offense."

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

navel

dramanerd09 said...

OMG! Natasha, this is incredible! I am DYING of laughter right now simply because a lot of ppl make rude comments seem nice just by saying "No offense." that's great!

Zahn Zahn Toupee said...

I'm totally going to say "Yes! Offense!" now after I purposely insult someone. Thank you, Natasha!

julieta...not such a niƱa? said...

tashmyster. that is honestly one of the best nicknames i have ever heard. i love your fantastic rants.