Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Not Your Average Sex Symbols

I'm sick. And tired. I'm sick and tired. Of what? Oh, wouldn't you like to know. I'm sick and tired of sexy men. That's right. Not just sexy men, but men of the UPMOST sexiness. The sexiest ones out there. Well, according to you. Why am I the only one yearning to rid myself of these average, run-of-the-mill symbols-of-sex? Johny Depp? Only as a pirate. Brad Pitt? Taken, anyway. David Beckham? Sure, if you're into men who wear tighty-whiteys. The older us females become the more our tastes in men seem to entangle into one. When we were young and naive was the time we knew who made us melt like those firecracker popsicles we ran across the street without looking to the ice cream truck to get. We didn't listen to who the magazines named, '50 Sexiest Men in Hollywood.' I think it's time to pull out our Flux Capacitor and take a blast to the past to examine a prime example of a 5-year-old with shockingly good taste in the Hottie with a Body Department: me.

Natasha Ferrier's Sexy Beats of 1995

1. Robin Hood: Man, was he foxy. Literally. What? You thought I was referring to Kevin Costner? Yeah, if you're into men whose eyes always look like they're staring directly into the sun. I'm talking about the real Prince of Thieves, the Disney-animated red fox with the nimble body (we all know where THAT would come in handy) and his smooth-talking...I'd want THAT snout whispering into my ear. Forget the fact that he's wearing a dress with a belt the entire movie, just sit back and imagine what's under the dress with the belt. Ohhhh yeaaahhhhhh.

2. Basil from Baker Street: If alliteration isn't sexy enough, try the British accent this Great Mouse Detective speaks with a dash of Suave and a hint of Damn He's Fine. If the half-smirk and the single raised brow doesn't do it for ya, fast-forward to the scene where he goes undercover as a sailor. A pint in hand and stubble? Good lord I'm in trouble.

3. The Dad in 'Casper': Okay okay, so some of you may know him as Bill Pullman. But Bill isn't the one I want taking me home. I want Dr. James Harvey, the one with the raspy voice and brown cardigan he never changes out of. Brown cardigans, not your thing? WHO CARES HE'S HOT. Man would I give anything to be in Christina Ricci's place...helloooo pedophilia.

So those are my three. All I ask is that before you judge, you actually go out and rent the movies and look for the few things I have so kindly pointed out to you that will make you forget all about your boyfriend and your precious Patrick Dempsey. Of course, I don't expect Robin, Basil, and James to do it for you like they do it for me. The whole purpose of this light bulb I have placed over your heads is that you realize there are ones out there for you that aren't featured in People magazine. Take a couple of my friends for instance.

-Charlotte has seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movies just as much as any other crazed Captain Jack Sparrow fan, but she doesn't watch them for Jack. She watches them for Davy Jones, the half-man, half-octopus with a beard of tentacles and polka-dotted skin the color of a dirty lake. "Look at his lips," she insists. "And the way his nose moves when he talks...but really, it's the lips." I'm not into fish-men with ink-dyed bodies, but I must admit, the man does have nice lips.

-Felicity says hands-down that Aladdin is the sexiest Disney guy ever drawn. (as far as humans go) There's really nothing else to say here...BECAUSE HE IS.

-Clara may just take it a little too far...sure, she says Vegeta from Dragonball Z is her soul mate. Sure, she says she loves him more than she loves her mother. Sure, she says she has sex dreams starring the anime-cartoon with the monkey-tail. Sure, she draws pictures of him naked. Sure, she draws pictures of him and her having sex and hangs them up in her locker. Maybe I'm just jealous that she has found her soul mate so early in life. But she really shouldn't hang those pictures up in her locker.

So you may look at me differently now that you know a mouse wearing a detective's hat has been the star of many a sex dream of mine, but I'm sure one day you too will find your own Basil...if you're lucky.


Jane Doe said...

I'm definitely an aladdin kind of gal. What other cartoon do you see shirtless the whole movie?

Anonymous said...

*sigh* disney's tarzan does it for me.

Swinging around on those vines and his rippling muscles....mmmmmm


BlondeBabe139 said...

Okay, i would TOTALLY say the beast from, ya know, beauty in the beast. Except what is up with him when he turns back into a prince? I think you can go past girly-boy and straight to pansy. I mean, what the hell? It's tragic really.

Anonymous said...

funny post and true!

Amber said...

I'm so glad that I'm not the only one hot for Casper's dad. After the movie came out I rented every other movie Pullman was in...sigh.

Suburban Turmoil said...

Prince Eric... Don't tell Dad.