It has recently been reported that 1 in every 4 American teenage girls has an STD. An STD, keep in mind, stands for sexually transmitted disease, not synchronized tap dancing, as I have heard a few MIDs (Mothers in Denial) insist. Disease, people. Disease. This recent statistic has struck fear into the minds and crotches of many teenage boys and girls. You could try analyzing the reasoning behind this sex craze, but it really is no use. In the 60’s, it was “Make Love, Not War,” and in the 80’s, girls just wanted to have fun. So what is it in this day and age that is having adolescents dropping their pants left and right? IT FEELS GOOD.
Let’s pretend I am the mother of a teenage girl. I’ve given her the sex talk. (“They’re only after one thing, honey.”) I’ve tried my hardest to make sure she isn’t influenced by pop culture. (Now see, in real life, honey, Julia would never end up with Richard. She is a whore who will die on the streets, disrespected AND infected, with runs in her stockings.) I’ve warned boys her age of the dangers of dating my daughter. (“Whip it out one time, Buster, and I’ll be grading it like cheese by tomorrow.”) But it’s not enough. I can’t stop little Susie from “getting it on” or “hooking it up” or “mojoing it down,” or whatever phrases these kids are using these days. I was a teenager once, myself. I do remember what it was like before these married days of, “I worked all day I don’t have the energy fine let’s just do it then I guess.” So, after much pensive thought, I have come up with a solution to this crisis.
My first solution, removing all genitals from adolescents ages 13 to 17, was soon deemed ridiculous when I realized that our human race would no longer be able to continue if this were to be done. Also, there would be no sufficient way to dispose of the genitalia of millions of boys and girls across the United States. Throwing it into the ocean would only lead to it later washing up onto the shore and who knows what diseases would spread then! Silly me. My second solution was also given the boot due to the fact that shipping all teenage boys off to Switzerland and keeping all teenage girls here in America would not necessarily prevent the spread of STD’s. It’s called adapting. But forget all of those preposterous half-baked schemes. It is I, Natasha Ferrier, mother of a teenage daughter, who has come up with the most brilliant solution to date, a solution that will indeed be embraced by millions around the nation.
High school students attend school Monday through Friday. From what my daughter tells me, Fridays are spent watching “educational movies” and “talking about what we learned.” From what my daughter tells me, Fridays are a joke. However, with my newly found solution, Fridays will no longer be of no benefit to the student body. Every Friday, we shall congregate all students, male and female, to some sort of large room, such as an auditorium, or perhaps a cafeteria. They will be given precisely 6 hours, one hour deducted in order to make sure no one has brought condoms or any type of “protection,” and after those hours are up, they will go home happy. It is during these 6 hours that, as my own mother would phrase it, they can “have at it” with whomever is willing. This “doing it” with numerous people will occur every Friday. You may even call it a modern “orgy.” As time progresses, the statistic will without a doubt change to: 4 in every 4 American teenage girls has an STD. When my daughter goes out on a Saturday night wearing an exceptionally low-cut top, I won’t be biting my nails thinking, “Is little Susie going to get frisky?”, “Is little Susie going to be safe?”, “Is little Susie going to have a disease-infested meal tonight?” Instead, I will be sitting at home, reclining even, thinking, “I hope my little Susie gives that Johnny that gonorrhea she contracted last Friday. That’ll show him!” So you see, as long as everyone has an STD, no one will have to fear ever getting one. You can “shake your groove thang” with whomever you wish! As a wise man once said, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” But as I say to the teenage girls of the world, “You can beat ‘em, and then you’ll join ‘em!”