Monday, December 29, 2008

Bibble-Babble On Down!

Baby food. Delicious. I'm telling you, you haven't lived until you've popped a bite of Gerber on to that adult tongue of yours, that adult tongue that thinks it's too "mature" for things like, compressed peas. EARTH TO TONGUE. You're never too old for compressed peas. You may be pish-poshing this bibble-babble of mine, but just because we don't technically bibble-babble anymore, I still advise you to bibble-babble on down to your local supermarket and pick up some ham and pineapple. You've never had sliced ham and pineapple chunks until you've had them smushed, mushed, and pushed into a tiny glass jar that can also be accessed with a tiny rubber spoon. (There's no other spoon like 'em.) It's not just about that oh-so-pleasant POP! you hear when you open the jar, it's the half-way-liquidated-but-not-quite-vegetable-goodness that awaits you inside. That's really how food should be. Instead of grabbing an OJ and reading, "Shake Well Before Drinking," you'll be grabbing a bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit and reading, "Mush Well Before Eating." Shake 'n' Bake had the right idea, but they had a flaw: too many mandatory materials. Box. Oven. Oven heat. Oven mitt. Oven oven. BOWL, SPOON, FORK, SPORK?, the list goes on and on. Napkin? Optional, but encouraged. However, with Mush 'n' Smush, all you need are your hands. Or perhaps just a couple of toes. Or your friend's toes. It doesn't even matter! (strong toes optional, but encouraged) What? You're grossed out? Think your palate is all grown up and ready for the Big Boy foods, like steak (have you tried it masticated?) and lobster (have you tried it defecated? same texture, different circumstances.) and smoothies (mashed and delicious, and we all know it). So don't judge. What? You want a reason? You want a method to the madness? You want a logical explanation? WE HAVE AN OBESITY CRISIS ON OUR HANDS, PEOPLE.

How can Marge gain any more weight, you wonder. How can she be THAT big, you ask. How does she have room for that chocolate cake made for the Trunchbull herself, you ponder in awe. Well, SHE DOES. And she'll have room for more even before she "drops the kids off at the pool," but would she ever of had to purchase that XXXLLLMMXL Mu-Mu if she had never gotten weened off of the Gerber diet? NO. (Unless she was Dominik DiNapoli, but that's a different story.) Baby food = Baby Weight. What? You don't want the body of a baby? Dimples in all FOUR cheeks? Itsy-bitsy pot belly that people like to rub? Chubsy-ubsy thighs that ya just wanna grab a chunk of and shake 'em like a couple of salt shakers? Or money makers? Or the asses of bakers? Have you ever heard of an ugly baby? (The Penguin doesn't count.) And if you thought a baby was ugly, would you say, "Dude, what an ugly baby." NO. Because you would be shunned and forever deemed A Baby Hater. Which by the way, is just not excepted in American society. In other societies, you can throw babies in the river, or feed 'em to the dingoes, but in America? I don't think so.

Other than the Damn-you're-huge Dilemma, have you ever wondered why moms always eat their baby's food as they're feeding it to them? Yeah, "so the baby will eat it." Yeah RIGHT. If you jumped off a cliff, would your baby? NO. Not only because babies can't jump, but because babies would be like, "You know, though my mom just decided to plunge into the ocean, I'd really rather plunge into this welcoming jar of Mushed Turkey and Carrots." Because it's delectable, and moms KNOW IT. Admit it? Never. But know it? Always. 

ECONOMIC CRISIS. We're in the middle of one, and you're spending your money on things like spoons? Do people in third-world countries worry themselves with spoons? Do aliens saucer on over to purchase spoons? Does my grandpa ever find the need to use a spoon? Do you realize, and I'm not even mentioning the pots, pans, forks, knives, beaters, can openers, corkscrews, or those rubber things you use to open the mayonnaise, how much MONEY you would SAVE if you didn't spend it on spoons? Save your money, people. If you wanna spoon, do it in bed.

Now, baby food isn't for everyone. It will only be the biggest epiphany you've ever had in your mouth to babies, toddlers, children, tweens, teenagers, young adults, middle-aged men (yes, even you too, Mike Myers), middle-aged women, not-quite old-but-almost-old people, people in their 70's and up. So if you do not fit into any of those categories, I am sorry, baby food was just not meant for you. Morgan Spurlock may have said, "Supersize Me," but Natasha Ferrier says, GERBERFY ME...BABY.



4 comments:

Anonymous said...

That's pretty funny. I haven't had baby food recently. I'll have to try the peas.

Savannah said...

Something is wrong with your font size, and it messes up all the spacing btw

Anonymous said...

i couldn't agree with you more. I love gerber applesauce, lol. ^^

Natasha said...

Messes up the spacing, Savannah? Works on my computer...works on other's computers...doesn't work on your computer...I don't know what to say. I had to make the font size bigger because one woman wasn't able to make out the words, they were so teeny. I do, do apologize. I'll see what I can do.