Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Talkin Bout My Generation

"I don't listen to the radio."

"You don't listen to the radio?!"

"I don't listen to shit."

"It's pop!"

"It's shit."

"It's rap!"

"It's shit."

"It's Taylor Swift, Jordin Sparks, and Miley Cyrus!"

"It's a shit SANDWICH!"

I may not be a member of The WHO, but yes, I am talkin bout my generation. And how much I want to roll it up into a ball, spit into it, and throw it right at Miley Cyrus's face, hitting her smack-dab in her upper lip that, in case you haven't noticed, lacks a Cupid's Bow. Or, I could take my generation, fold it into a paper airplane, the good kind that takes 7 folds, not the wimpy kind that only takes 3, and fly it right into one of Taylor Swift's eyes, which, in case you haven't noticed, are more like thin slits, which, as you can see, would make this a very challenging task. But I would do it. It would be my big F-YOU! to the "singing" stars of today. The brilliant and talented "writers" of our music. I mean, who can RESIST singing along to this catchy tune:

"Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air? Can't live, can't breathe with no air. That's how I feel when you ain't there. There's no air, no air. No air, air. No air, air. No air, air. No air, air."

Now, when they sat down to write this, what exactly is it they were thinking? (or smoking) Were they thinking, 

"Okay Jordin, what's something you can't live without?"


"Tell me how I'm supposed to eat with no food, food. Tell me how I'm supposed to eat with no food, food. It's been a few days since I've pooed, pooed. No food, no food."

"No, no, that won't work. It needs to be clever. It needs to be witty."

"Can't live without clothes!"

"Tell me how I'm supposed to dress with no clothes, clothes. Tell me how I'm supposed to dress with no clothes, clothes. Can't be naked like all them ho's,  ho's. No clothes, no clothes."

"No no no, come on, you KNOW a lot of ho's listen to your music; we can't offend them, now can we? We need something specific."

"Carbon dioxide!"





"YES! We have it! We'll sing about you suffocating because you can't even breathe AIR when he's not around! You just sit there choking and coughing and wheezing and clutching your throat until he shows up! It'll be a HIT!"

And you know what our generation does? Proves them right. Even with songs that are merely common sense, such as this one: 

"I got this crazy feeling deep inside, when you called and asked to see me tomorrow night. I'm not a mind reader but I'm reading the signs, that you can't wait to see me again."

My guess is, if he's calling you, right after he has met you, and asking you to hang out, at night nonetheless, then yeah, I think that means he wants to see you. Is calling you asking you on a date really considered a "sign?" Aren't signs more like, "My phone was about to die but it lasted for my entire phone call with him, THEN died right after we hung up," or something along those lines of ironic happenings. CALLING is pretty blunt and straight-forward. If someone asks you on a date, it's not a "sign" that they want to go on a date. THEY JUST ASKED YOU. "He kissed me! That must be a sign that he wants to kiss me!" NO, it's not a "sign" because he DID IT. Kissing you was showing he wanted to kiss you. Kissing you was kissing you. Now, if he was whipping out the chap stick all night and smearing it on like sunscreen, THAT would be a sign he wants to kiss you. I mean, what? Is this just me? I don't think anybody would think, "Oh, he got my number, he's calling me, he's asking me to hang out, hang out tomorrow even...he must NOT want to see me!" Not only are you not a mind reader, Miley, you are not a musician.

Look, I know. You want what you can't have. So what if I daydream about stayin' alive with John Travolta? So what if I want to pull a Madonna and wear my bra on the outside of my clothes? So what if I want to mosh and crowd surf? I'm sorry I don't want to listen to whiny teenagers who sing like they just got punched in the stomach. I wonder if when I'm older, kids will be dreaming about this decade saying, "Man, I wish we lived in the Millenium when if it was getting hot in here we'd take off all our clothes. And when people shook their money-makers. THAT was a decade." 

The 1970's brought us Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, and 4 guys who couldn't get no satisfaction. The 80's brought us Pat Benetar, The Cure, and 99 red balloons. The 90's? Nirvana, Weezer, and a semi-charmed life. And what has today brought us? Shit sandwiches.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

FINALLY someone other than me has realized that more than 80% of the the music today is COMPLETE CRAP. *I think you forgot to bash that song about sprinklers- that actual line was "Go on and get gone . . . before the sprinklers turn on" I am sorry to say but I laughed at these lyrics for atleast 10 minutes. This "song writers" can not write worth a crap what happen to Donovan (Mellow Yellow, and catch the wind- take a listen to it) and Bob Dylan (Tambourine man, Masters of War, Love minus Zero/no limit) These are the song writers who will be remembered not stupid songs about sprinklers coming on and off, not stupid songs about sufficating, and especially NOT HANNAH FUCKING MONTANA

seriously if someone doesn't know who donovan is or bob dylan please listen to the songs mentioned above and tell me that are poorly written or sound bad or are shit . . . . .